How to Break a Snow Blower
Breaking Your Snow Blower
Snow is everywhere these days, huh? East Coast, Mid Coast, West Coast and any other coast, am I right?
Good thing for you you have a snow blower and good thing for you (x2) you came across this handy-dandy article which will tell you precisely how to break your snow blower during this winter season.
Shall we get started?
"How to break a snow blower? Wouldn't it be better to write about "How to Fix a Snow Blower" or "Snow Blower Repair Tips"?", You ask.
Yes. It would, dear reader. But I don't have experience in such matters. No. I am much more experienced and well-versed in the act of breaking a snow blower(s) than fixing one and, as every educated writer knows, the first lesson in Writing 101 at (insert city here) Community College is "Write What You Know".
And, in some ways, by providing detailed information on how to break a snow blower, you could argue that I am providing priceless step-by-step instructions on what to avoid when attempting to start or use your snow blower so that it never breaks and never needs repair.
Try that logic on for size.
Which brings us back to "How to Break a Snow Blower".
What You Will Need:
Breaking a snow blower is likely exactly as easy as you think it is. All it requires is a little amount of frustration mixed in with a complete lack of knowledge regarding the inner workings of said machinery along with any and all other household tools and motorized equipment.
One never knows exactly when they will begin the act of breaking a snow blower. More than likely it will occur during a time in which you simply had planned to use the snow blower for its intended purpose, snow blowing (or snow throwing).
The first sign that you are about to attempt to break a snow blower usually occurs during the initial stages of starting the snow blower, when for whatever reason (completely unknown due to the lack of knowledge of machinery, as mentioned above) the snow blower does not start.
After multiple tries without success, it is time to investigate the obvious reasons as to why the snow blower is not starting:
Books For Dummies:
1) Check the Gas Tank
Unscrew the gas cap and check to see if there is indeed gas in the snow blower. If there is, then you can move to Step 2 in breaking your snow blower, if not you will want to fill the tank with gas and in doing so will have likely avoided any potential snow blower breaking for the day.
2) Fill up the Oil
Most snow blowers require constant oil fillings in order to operate. That is the depth and extent of my snow blower knowledge.
During this step, you will fill the tank with oil, despite not positively knowing whether or not the motor does in fact need it. But, in doing so, you will be confident that you have fixed the snow blower and can begin to use it for its aforementioned purpose, when in reality, you have only delayed the act of breaking your snow blower.*
It's game time. There is no turning back at this point. Because of your lack of knowledge in all motor-related subjects, there is little else you can attempt with odds of succeeding in starting your snow blower. It becomes an issue of pride. Truly a Deadly Sin.
You can continue on with the process of breaking your snow blower or stop, take a deep breath and wait until a further time when someone will be able to help you.
Because the title of this article is "How to Break Your Snow Blower", we will push forward despite the almost certain doom for your snow blower.
2A) Frustration Sets In
After you have completed Step 1 and Step 2 and the snow blower still isn't starting, the frustration should begin to set in. You will feel it coming when you begin to sweat, despite the freezing temperatures around you. Your muscles should begin to tighten and once one or two curse words spew from your mouth, you have reached a full state of frustration and are ready to continue the process.
3) Call Someone
After pacing/grumbling for a short time, swallow a small ounce of pride followed by a chaser of whiskey if your liquor cabinet is well-stocked.
Odds are you know someone who is educated in regards to motors, home repair and general "fix-it" knowledge. Someone who, if they were educated in the science of sentence structure and English grammar, would be writing the type of "How to Fix a Snow Blower" article mentioned above.
Give this person a call and listen* to their advice. It is important to note that you will only understand about 70 percent of what they are saying (give or take) and that the other 30 percent will be what leads to the actual snow blower breaking.
*Listening is not the same as understanding which is required for Step 3 to result in fixing your snow blower.
4) Failed Attempts
Now you will want to take the advice, or what little you understood of it, and put it into action.* Congratulations! At this point you are fairly knee-deep in the act of breaking your snow blower and it is likely you are doing more damage than good with each failed attempt.
Therefore, keep attempting.
* If by chance the snow blower does start and begins to work during this point in the process, you should thank your lucky stars or pray to whatever deity you believe in as it truly will be a small miracle.
5) Hit the Snow Blower
This is common. Blunt force, that is. The snow blower continues to not work and you begin to hit it. Nothing else has worked. So. Why not? Unleash your inner caveman. Hit it a lot. Hard. Maybe even pick it up and drop it. What's there to lose? It isn't working anyways. Are you going to double break it? No. Once it is broken it is broken.
6) Break It
If you haven't broken the snow blower by now due to the hitting and dropping throughout Step 5,
you are about to. Take the pull cord which starts the engine in both
hands. Get a strong firm grip. Plant your feet firmly into the ground.
The force of the final pull should cause you to fall back while the cord rips completely off of the snow blower and rests gently in your hands.
Now, as they say, you are up the creek without a paddle. The paddle, in this case, being the pull cord. Without a pull cord to start the motor, you cannot start the motor and have successfully broken your snow blower.
For more tips, hints and "How To" guides, check out my articles on "How to Break Your Lawnmower", "How to Break Your Dishwasher" and "How to Cost Yourself Thousands of Dollars on Home Repair and Mechanic Bills Throughout Your Lifetime Due to Your Inability to Understand How Things Work".
Now get out there and break something!