ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How to Kill a Garden in Five Easy Steps

Updated on May 22, 2012

There hundreds, nay millions of articles online detailing the path to success in your gardening endeavors and extolling the virtues of the proverbial green thumb. But nary a one could be found explaining the deeply complex process of destroying the lush, fertile vegetation that is inevitably abounding in your back yard should you have decided to plant a garden. Quite frankly, it's a bore. There are millions of successful gardeners in the world, so it is high time that humanity saw a successfully bad gardener. I may be the original, but with a bit of practice you can find you own breed of plant-lethal gardening.

Here's the fail-proof process that I found is going to help you get rid of all that over-grown greenery in your garden, and replace it instead with far more contained, lower maintenance plant form-- the dead one.

1. Start Your Seeds in a Small Container

Who buys the healthy, already strong plants at the greenhouse to put in their gardens? It's far more cost effective, especially for this kind of project, to start your own seedlings. At a dollar or so per package of a hundred seeds, it's entirely feasible to start at least twenty, say, tomato plants in very small containers. After a few weeks, you may notice that they are no longer getting larger which indicates that they are root bound. This is the perfect time to put them in the garden.

2. Plant in Full Sun, Preferably Next to Cement

Full sun is the perfect place to plant the delicate little seedlings. The intense, direct sun, paired with the heat reflecting off the cement will quickly wilt the small leaves.

Excessive watering at this point may help delay the inevitable demise of the plant life forms, so keep on top of it! Your patience will be amply, if slowly rewarded.

3. Over-water the Plants in the Shade

Now, this is exactly the opposite tactic used for the cement scorched plants. Over the ones that you find receive plenty of shade throughout the day, pour the water liberally and without reproach.

Now, these plants will not shrivel up and die. Rather, they will yellow and then curl up in a suffocated little ball of greenery and fall over in a limp, pathetic little help. Weep services and put flowers on their graves.

Gardening is not a rational act.
~Margaret Atwood

4. Allow a Small Child or Dog to Enjoy the Beauty of Your Garden Area

What better way to efficiently baby-sit and accomplish your gardening goals at the same time? This one is quite self-explanatory-- simply send your charge, small human or animal, to find hours of amusement and enjoyment in your vegetable patch! The essence of efficiency.

5. Prune Eratically

The highly civilized form of pruning pictured at right? Far too healthy! Take those very same shears and begin to clip indiscriminately. Leaves, buds, stems, none are too be spared in the massive hair cut.

There is one plant that seems to enjoy being shorn on a regular basis. Zucchini has been known to thrive under this treatment, and indeed under every other above indignity that may be imposed on it. Given it's tendency to proliferate excessively, I apologize but you can consider yourself warned.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • collegatariat profile imageAUTHOR

      collegatariat 

      5 years ago

      Thanks for stopping by April! Those are some great suggestions, but I'm not even sure that I aspire to the kind of skill that killing cactus in the desert takes. ;)

    • April Reynolds profile image

      April Reynolds 

      5 years ago from Arizona

      wonderful! It also helps to live in the desert and never get around to fixing your irrigation system. I have even managed to kill my cactus.

    • collegatariat profile imageAUTHOR

      collegatariat 

      6 years ago

      Hi Kathleen! Sorry I've taken so long to respond-- it was a loooonng weekend away. :) Thanks for the recommendation on the gardenias! I live in Colorado, so keeping things in pots and pulling them inside during freezes has worked for delicate plants in the past.

      Also, thank you for offering to send the irises! I love those flowers, and very much appreciate your kindness. I'll send you my address in a message.

      Thanks again for everything! :)

    • Kathleen Cochran profile image

      Kathleen Cochran 

      6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Your profile doesn't say where you live, but give dwarf gardenias a try. They are practically indistructable, especially if you start them in pots for the first year. Also iris, my favorite, grow almost anywhere with little care - if they get plenty of sun. I could send you some of mine when I divide them in July?

    • collegatariat profile imageAUTHOR

      collegatariat 

      6 years ago

      Oh, I love azaleas Dolores, and I'm sure that yours are beautiful! Unfortunately I don't live in a part of the country where they grow well, but if I did I'd kill them too in all likelihood! Thanks for stopping by. :)

    • Dolores Monet profile image

      Dolores Monet 

      6 years ago from East Coast, United States

      I loved this one! The title is fabulous and so funny! But it did make me think. I was just outside pruning azaleas and somehow, despite years of gardening experience, wound up making them worse. You really have to think about what you do in the garden.

    • collegatariat profile imageAUTHOR

      collegatariat 

      6 years ago

      Hi Kathleen! Unfortunately, I know how well these things work from sad experience... like you, no matter how many things I read or wonderful tips I implement, successful gardening eludes me. Thanks so much for stopping by!

    • Kathleen Cochran profile image

      Kathleen Cochran 

      6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Thank you. I've fought the good fight with nature for years in my attempts to surround myself with the beauty of flowers and the usefulness of vegetables. I read, yes, millions of articles on what to do. Thanks for a brief checklist of what not to do. Doing the wrong thing can so quickly erradicate all the "to dos" you've tried.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)