How to be rich, part 1: Building a house!
How to be rich: a Series
This is the first installment in a series of informative articles that will teach you how to live as a rich person. Although plenty of people will tell you how to become rich, never before has there been a definitive source on how to be rich.
How will you live your life as an unimaginably wealthy person? Will you squander it, never knowing the joy of making others grovel for any tiny scrap of approval? Never tasting the sweet nectar of purchasing a squadron of army fighter jets and terrorizing your rival Ivy League school? Keep reading and you'll learn how to avoid these terrible fates.
Part 1: Building a house
This installment focuses on the finer points of building a home. Remember that the information provided here is merely a starting point. Feel free to take the suggestions and build on them, pun intended.
When you build a house, most people suggest that you start with the foundation. That’s just stupid. That’s like drawing someone’s portrait and starting with their brain. When building a home, it is best to begin with the bathroom. Let’s be honest, that’s where you’re going to spend most of your time, anyway.
The most important part of your bathroom is the toilet. Your toilet should reflect your personality as well as your social standing. If you are cool, super-rich, and have lots of friends, then your toilet should have 22 inch rims, a jet engine, and shoot fire. It should be able to communicate on a wireless network, use only filtered spring water, and turn your poop into gold.
Your bathroom should contain photos of you doing awesome things, like climbing Mount Everest naked while midwifing a sick giraffe. For your auditory pleasure, a twelve-piece orchaestra is the perfect complement to a hard-earned #2. Do not forget to feed the orchaestra, or they will die.
Although you may spend most of your time in the bathroom, occasionally you will want to sleep. That’s where you bedroom comes in! Bedrooms are great for sleep, but they tend to have one problem: no waterslides. I’m serious. Many people still do not have waterslides in their bedrooms. Considered by some to be a “luxury,” I simply can’t fall asleep unless I know I’ve skidded down a curvy, slippery chute into the comfort of my kitten-skin blanket.
Like your bathroom, your bedroom should also contain pictures of you doing awesome things, like having your toenails groomed by current world leaders, or grave-robbing Albert Einstein’s head and putting it on a horse’s body.
Lot of Pointless Decorative Rooms
When putting your house together, the most important thing is that everyone who sees it knows how rich you are. If you are a trillionaire, do you want your friends to think you’re a billionaire? The most effective way to show people how rich you are is by filling your house with lots and lots of pointless, redundant decorative rooms.
Really Cool Themed Rooms
Equally important to having lots and lots of pointless decorative rooms is to have really cool themed rooms. The point here is to be original. Every Joe Schmoe millionaire has a bowling alley, a basketball court, and an expensive home theater room. But how will you show that you’re better than those people?
I have a few recommendations. How about an anti-gravity room? Or a dangerous, uncaged, wild animal room? How about a pool filled with expensive cheese? How about an expensive cheese filled with a pool? The possibilities are endless. Just remember: if you’re friends aren’t impressed, you can always buy new friends. After, all you’re rich!
Stay tuned for the next installment in this ongoing series. In it, I will explore some of the many non-monetary uses for hundred dollar bills. Have a great day, and remember, it's great to be rich!
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