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I’m Scared of My Kitchen Appliances

Updated on June 24, 2013

I’m Scared of My Kitchen Appliances

I’m scared of my kitchen appliances because exactly none of them offer the energy efficiency, ease of use, reliability, stylishness, and functionality of ultra-modern appliances available online today. Waking up in the morning becomes a massive challenge. Knowing that antiquated rust buckets await my bleary-eyed visit to the the kitchen is almost sufficient to have me reaching for the snooze button on the alarm clock, but that device is also a worn out contraption worthy only of a trip to the dumpster.

LG : LMX25981ST Panorama 24.7 cu. ft. French Door Refrigerator

I'd not fear this refrigerator. LG engineers nothing but satisfaction and happiness into their line of french door refrigerators. While my current ice box literally consists of a hunk of razor sharp ice in a self-collapsing box, this high-tech gizmo actually keeps frozen things frozen and cool things cool. Tripping down the hallway into the kitchen would be a joy if an LG french door refrigerator nestled in the refrigerator alcove.

Tayama 6.5 Liter Electric Wok

I experience nothing but fear and loathing for my current wok. For whatever reason, we simply do not speak the same language. When I want stir-fry, I end up with something almost but not quite completely unlike anything ever cooked by a sentient human. My dogs won't stick their nose in it. This wonderful wok would wipe away all of my angst.

Hamilton Beach 67650 Big Mouth Pro Juice Extractor

Should you visit me in my terrifying kitchen, don't expect fresh-squeezed anything, except fear. My juicing experience consists of dropping in fruits and watching them spray into the next county. A juicing attempt is considered successful if I end up with the same number of fingers I started with. My juice looks like chunky soup without the soupy parts. A real authentic juicing device such as the Hamilton Beach Big Mouth couldn't do anything but make my life more pleasant and safe. Certainly the number of emergency room visits would plummet. Even if I don't get any juice, the insurance premium savings justifies the investment.

Dirt Devil BD20020 Power Sweep Cordless Sweeper

My sweeper sweeps about as well as a hammer picks up a bowling ball. Sweeping has evolved into an exercise in manually picking up stuff with manual fingers. I am truly afraid of my vacuuming appliances. Should I someday become guardian of a Dirt Devil Power Sweep cordless sweeper, I imagine that my life would be enriched by the ability to actually retrieve flotsam and jetsam from horizontal surfaces throughout my house.

The name Dirt Devil startles me a little. I will adapt.

Black & Decker TRO480BS Toast-R-Oven 4-Slice Toaster Oven

I'm pretty sure that my toaster oven wants to kill me, or at least singe my eyebrows. Whenever I attempt to warm up a bagel or pop a bag of popcorn, I come close to the imminent possibility of nearly burning down the kitchen. All the other appliances seem as gentle lambs compared to my deceitful toaster oven. This gorgeous shiny new Black and Decker toaster oven could bring order and structure to my appliance world. No one can resist a properly browned slice of toast or a well-popped bag of Orville Redenbacher's .

X10 AM466 Appliance Module

I don't know what these items are, but anything that might offer an opportunity to increase my control over my household equipment would be most welcome. Certainly I would not be scared of my kitchen appliances were I secure in the knowledge that control is only a few plugs and switches away from my trembling fingers.

If I had a few X10 Appliance modules I would plug them throughout the kitchen in an attempt to make the entire room less terrifying. Stainless steel would fear and respect me, I just know it.

Are you scared of your kitchen appliances?

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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      I thought it was funny. Oh well.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      90 page views. Sigh!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Great stuff once again, nicomp! Bribery is welcomed.

    • dallas93444 profile image

      Dallas W Thompson 7 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

      Try a cement mixer to mix your salads. You can invite the neighborhood over to share in the bonanza and perhaps install a patio at the same time...

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      NiComp - You masterful mix of humor and commerce will not go unnoticed by our judging panel. "Should you visit me in my terrifying kitchen, don't expect fresh-squeezed anything, except fear." That was a great line that had me laughing otu loud. There were others in there too. Great job!

    • ltfawkes profile image

      ltfawkes 7 years ago from NE Ohio

      nicomp - if I may call you nicomp? - speaking as one friendly hubber to another, my advice would be don't start buying all these new kitchen appliances, especially the ones about which you say, "I don't know what these items are . . . " (When I got to that line I laughed even harder than I already was laughing).

      Think of all the owner's manuals you'd have to read and not understand. Yech. No, don't start buying new appliances. Use the money to eat OUT!!

      Also laughed at "don't speak the same language as the wok" . . . that would be because the wok speaks Japanese?

      Very funny.


    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 7 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

      I remember a "Twilight Zone" episode where household appliances were trying to kill a guy. Be careful!

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 7 years ago from Moundsville, WV


      I have a partial solution for your angst. I have had my whole house carpeting vaccumed and cleaned by Kirby salesmen doing demos in the last month and the carpeting is spotlesss. Kick you vaccum cleaner to the curb and let Kirby do it!!!!!!!!!!