ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How to Get Rid of Garden Slugs (or "Who Says Murder Is a Bad Thing?")

Updated on June 16, 2017
An adult garden slug
An adult garden slug

I Could Never Understand Hunters

  • My son always liked to go hunting during deer season, and would sometimes come back with a big 6-point buck or whatever they are called. I never could understand it and I still don't understand about killing deer.
  • My son would always tell me that if hunters didn't kill deer, we would be overrun with them and they would all run out in the middle of the road and cause accidents. Still, a deer is a pretty cute creature, and don't all living things have value in the balance of nature? I can now answer that question with a resounding "NO"!!!

If you have moral issues that prevent you from killing a living creature, bring him to ME!!
If you have moral issues that prevent you from killing a living creature, bring him to ME!!
Make no mistake, if you love your garden, this is the ENEMY and he must be taken out.  The Navy Seals are busy, so you'll have to do it yourself.
Make no mistake, if you love your garden, this is the ENEMY and he must be taken out. The Navy Seals are busy, so you'll have to do it yourself.

But Today I'm Going to Go and Kill Something!

  • As a matter of fact, I have just put on my boots, cap, blue jeans and gloves and I am on a mission to kill something. And, yes, it will be pre-meditated. I have planned this out and expect to get away with it and never even lose a wink of sleep. I am going outside to hunt down and kill every nasty, toeless, fingerless, creepy, crawly slug I can track down.
  • Step 1 in this pre-meditated murder is to hunt these slimy little things down. You can go outside and brush away some leaves off the ground and there they will be...having a leaf snack before they move on to your flowers. You don't have to be in a hurry; he's not going to outrun you. Leave no stone unturned because these slimy little creeps can make themselves look like a rock if they want. Don't fall for it. Hunt them down...all of them. Every time you find one, use your tweezers to pick him up and drop him in a two-liter bottle of water (or bleach) (or acid), so he will drown. You MUST put the lid back on the bottle because this little creep will come right back out to ruin your garden again if you don't make sure he is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!
  • Now, what exactly is the "balance of nature" value of a slug? There isn't one. They live merely to make our lives miserable by eating our leaves and plants, then leaving nasty, ugly, slimy little trails behind to flaunt their existence. As you are dropping him into the bottle, pinch him a few times so that he will recognize your superiority. Then, say the following poem I have written just for the occasion:
  • Who's gonna cry when I kill this slug?
    No one will admit they like this bug.
    I will drop him in this bottle, then look for another.
    If he's lucky, he'll get to drown with his brother.

Sleep at last

  • Now, you've hunted them down, murdered them, recited the slug poem, so what's left to do?
  • I would go take a nap and fall asleep knowing you have made the world a better place. You will sleep like a baby.


I Would Start Slicing From the Head (Just Sayin')

Slug body parts...cut them off one by one if you want to.
Slug body parts...cut them off one by one if you want to.

Sure, You Can Trap Them, But Where's the Fun In That??

Then There's This Way!

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 10 days ago from Houston, Texas

      Murder She Wrote is an old TV show of which my husband is currently watching an old rerun. I see you have written your own version of Murder She (or He) Wrote. Ha!

      Crushed eggshells around plants can repel these creatures from munching on plants. Another remedy is putting out some beer in a bowl and placing it in your garden. Snails and slugs will crawl in overnight, imbibe and be dead by morning. Then you can put them on your compost pile. Use the cheapest beer you can find. No sense wasting good money on those creatures.

    • Casey White profile image
      Author

      Mike and Dorothy McKenney 5 years ago from United States

      Yes, Suzanne. Do you think I need to talk to a counselor?...lol

    • profile image

      Suzanne Jarrell 5 years ago

      Wow.....that was too funny...you really enjoyed that little killing spree didn't you!

    • Casey White profile image
      Author

      Mike and Dorothy McKenney 5 years ago from United States

      Thank you Sandy, I was giggling as I wrote it!

    • profile image

      Sandy Bennett 5 years ago

      I love this! I hate those things and this made me giggle.

    Click to Rate This Article