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Landscaping Ideas: I Never Promised You a Rock Garden

Updated on July 14, 2009

An Unnatural Rock Quarry

"What do you mean, remember when I said I wanted a few more rocks for the garden?" I spoke quietly into the phone to my husband, glancing at my boss's closed door.

"You said you needed more rocks," Chuck repeated.

"Oh, yes! I need about twenty for the area by the trees to complete the border." Had he gone out in the middle of the workday just to buy me rocks? How sweet.

"Well, you've got a few more than twenty."

"You can always take them back, right? Maybe we can exchange them for a trellis."

"Uh." He paused. "It's not that simple."

"Why?" I started doodling a face on my notepad. "Didn't you get them from Lowe's or Home Depot?"

"No. I didn't," Chuck said. "And they're already delivered and I wanted you to be prepared for what you saw when you got home."

"What am I going to see?" I drew an alarmed "O" for the mouth.

"There's some flat rocks."

"I don't want flat rocks."

"Well, I do," he said. "I can put them by the garbage cans. And the others are rectangular, but they're a bit bigger than you wanted."


"I didn't know how big they'd be. From what they described over the phone, it sounded like they were what you wanted."

"How much bigger?" I drew hairy eyebrows.

"About 24 or 36 inches long and and six or eight inches high."

The ones I wanted were six inches long and three inches high. "Those won't match at all. What am I supposed to do with them?"

"Build a wall?"

"I have enough to build a wall?" I glanced again at my boss's door and lowered my slightly hysterical voice. "How many did you order?"

"Nine tons."

"Nine tons! What made you buy nine tons of rocks that are the wrong size?" I put glasses on the face and added short dark hair.

"The way he described it to me, nine tons didn't sound like a lot of rocks and didn't know they'd be that big." When I didn't say anything he added, "Maybe we can cut them."

I knew I couldn't handle a rock chisel. I couldn't even iron clothes without burning myself - I couldn't imagine trying to handle a sharp object.

"But that's not the real problem," he said hesitantly.

"There's more?" I added a noose around the neck.

"Exactly. They accidentally delivered 16 tons of rock and since they would have had to bring in a front loader to pick up the extra tons and that would have destroyed our front lawn, I made a deal with them for the extra tons."

"You're telling me that we have 16 tons of large rocks on our front lawn?" I connected a gallows to the noose.

"Yes, that's it dear. I just wanted to let you know what was going on before you got home and saw it. Uh, oh, gotta go, am late for a meeting. Love you." He hung up before I could say anything.

I put down the receiver. 16 tons of rock on our front lawn. 16 tons. Of rock. I stared blindly at my doodle, only realizing after awhile that it looked oddly like my husband.


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    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 8 years ago from Essex Junction, Vermont

      This is absolutely hilarious! I can hardly type cause I'm still laughing so hard. You have a real gift for writing funny stories. What the hell did you do with all those rocks? I loved the ending...the way he just hung up"....gotta run you" So typical and so funny. And the noose around his neck, that was genius.Thanks, you made my day.

    • Queen of the Lint profile image

      Queen of the Lint 8 years ago from The Laundry Room

      True story.

      And then we had to get it all into the back yard, and then I injured my right arm moving them around, and then I learned that snakes and fire ants like to live under rocks, and then I learned not to tell my husband when I want anything. He tends to go overboard, bless his heart.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      I'd give your husband A for initiative, A for follow-through and F for common sense. Definitely one of those "What WERE you THINKING?" moments! But hey, it made for a wonderful hub!

      Good luck with your wall. Sounds like it will surround the entire neighborhood! MM

    • Teresa McGurk profile image

      Sheila 8 years ago from The Other Bangor

      I do so hope this is some mad daydream and not true -- it's hysterically funny (I do enjoy your writing style; I know I don't always leave a comment, but I always get a chuckle when I read your work). Please tell me it's the dementia induced by heartburn or too much caffeine or something. . .