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Moving Once Again

Updated on August 24, 2011

Here I am, practically on the eve of another move. Tonight, it doesn’t matter to where, how far or what lies ahead. Tonight is my melancholy night of self-indulgence. I look back on my life into the patterns; I wonder why I’ve made the choices I have and swear to myself that this time it will be different. Although, from where I sit right now, it’s not looking all that unfamiliar.

Everything I own is again in boxes

And the older I get, the scarier it is

My memory isn’t what it used to be

Most of my trinkets are triggers

They remind me of where I’ve been

Who I am and who I was,

Perhaps also, hopes of who I’m trying to recover

The last few years have been hard ones

Not anything I could have foreseen

Not in the cards nor in the runes

No fortune teller warned me

No doctor could predict

Yet it was what it was, it is what it is

I’m climbing out, as eventually I always do.

I’m not one to stagnate, I always rebound

Something with my spirit I suppose

I’ve always had too much hope for my own good

Too much faith in something no one else can see

Given too much power to something no one else believes

But that’s just the way I am

I won’t make an apology for it

Although I can’t say it’s always worked,

Prayers and faith don’t always work no matter what they say

A lot of times it does get worse, not better

But that’s life.

Silence surrounds me now

I am so tired of moving

But I have yet to find a place I want to stay

Wait, that’s not entirely true.

Colorado was a place I wanted to stay.

I just wasn’t ready to give up everything to stay there alone with an uncertain future.

Now, everything in my world has turned on its end from what I used to define as “My Life”

“My Life” is now something I have to start building all over again

Brick by brick, piece by piece

But I’m not young anymore

And my view of the world has become somewhat jaded

And that scares me

I know I have a million possibilities open to me and I can do anything

I know I can start over anywhere

I know that all I have to do is reengage.

I am so tired.


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    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Nell, thanks for the good would be exciting were it not so overwhelming! cheers my friend!

      Sharyn, yes, the situation sounds completely familiar. Disability, lost home, complications, not knowing where to start over and I'm getting too old to be going through these kinds of changes yet again. It is difficult...but we'll both get through it - my motto lately when I get out of bed and don't feel like facing things for the day is "Just do it anyway." - I feel much better when the day is over having accomplished things. I know there is a reason for everything even if I can't tell what it is right now. Best wishes to you too!

    • Sharyn's Slant profile image

      Sharon Smith 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA

      Hi Erin,

      Well I can totally relate about being tired and changes being thrown at us that can be scary. Now, in my late 40's, my life is totally different than it was not that long ago. Lost jobs, homes, relationships, etc. The need to start over at this time can be very difficult, for me at least. Thank goodness for supportive family and friends! Best wishes to you,


    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

      Hi, wow sounds exciting! good luck with your move, cheers nell

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Dear sister Penny, you always come along with my hope and inspiration! Don't worry, I'm looking ahead much more than I am glancing backward - I know the past is past and over. I'm tying up loose ends so I can finally say ...."Now, for something completely different...!" LOL Truth be told, moving is exciting, perhaps with a little less frequency though. Love you sis.

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Thanks Christina, good luck on your new chapter - I know how much of a challenge it can be to start over and have to stand on your own. It does take so much strength and courage. We will have to get together for lunch when all of this is over, perhaps September? Take Care!

    • pennyofheaven profile image

      pennyofheaven 6 years ago from New Zealand

      The you that was and the you that is here in now are two totally different people.

      When we constantly seek who we were we never really discover who we are.

      You are special my dearest just as you are. The jewels of lifes lessons have crowned you with experience that shine brightly if you have eyes to see.

      The events in life do not define us nor do they need to keep us shackled in recurring patterns that we could rather do without. They are merely pointing out opportunities to go with it and learn from it. That might mean moving on and moving literally on.

      What an adventure (I move often and love it) to embark on. What an exciting fork in the road. Out with the old and in with the new. The new that brings new friends and more "new" life experiences that we are never too old to experience.

      I realize you already know this from the messages in your writing. The subtle windows that give me an insight to your strength and courage.

      With love

    • CMCastro profile image

      Christina M. Castro 6 years ago from Baltimore,MD USA

      Wow. I know how you feel, just having moved myself, and I too am entering a new phase of my life, ready to take a challenge and stand alone and stand firm on my decisions. I wish you all the best, and from what I have seen in you through your hubs is Strength and Courage and the ability to over come. Congratulations, Erin, for the next level in your life is bound to be fresh and new, all for you. Just let me know, I'll always be there to give you support. Christina :)

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Prasetio, my friend, how good to see you! Yes, moving again, and my family is always there, I'm so lucky to have them. I'd be in a nuthouse by now if it were not for my family, friend and all of you here at hubpages! But if they did put me away, I would continue to write to you all from my padded cell, I assure you.

      Thank you so much and brightest blessings.

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Nell, thanks so much for writing...yes both my parents are so supportive - all my friends as well who are helping me pack up all my treasures and choreograph this big dance. I don't know yet where I'm going to end up... that's the fun of it all, I have options. I wasn't expecting to move this soon, so I haven't got all the plans worked out yet - I'm just about to start a University to finish my degree, and I'll be going back to work soon, but I am not sure where the job will be. It could be anywhere in the US...or close to home....kind of exciting really. I haven't decided. But I don't have to yet, so I'm working on "me" and what it is that I really want and what's important at this stage of my life. I've made quick decisions before, some have been awesome, some complicated, and some could have been better. I want the next one to be peaceful. Love ya!

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Cagsil, thanks so much for your insights and words of wisdom. I've already started on that journey this year - recognizing my patterns and cycles and putting an end to unhealthy behaviors. The original problems are so intertwined with life now its impossible to unweave, but this is one of the things I'm doing to correct that. I can start over. This move is not at the best time, but I'm not settling into a permanent place - I'm taking a while to decide carefully where to pick up the next chapter...I'm lucky to have this time to "float" while I am assembling all of my pieces. Thank you for all your well wishes :)

    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

      Amazing and it's a beautiful poem from you. Congratulation with you move and I hope your new place is the best place for you. I am glad your mom give a nice comment to support you. Vote up!


    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

      Hi, Erin, this was so heartfelt, I hope that everything goes well for you, where are you moving too? I also loved the fact that your mom wrote a comment above, we need the strength of the family behind us, and it seems that your mom is right there, take care nell

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 6 years ago from USA or America

      Hey Erin, nicely written poem and good luck with your move. I certainly hope that you gain so more clarity with your next move, because without it, then you will only continue on the path, which you are already too familiar with. I would love to help you out of what seems like a rotating wheel you cannot stop, but I cannot do so, except to offer words of knowledge and wisdom. You would have to be able to recognize them and truly be honest with yourself about it. But then again, I guess it would be good for you to identify the original problem, for which, is causing you so much stress. Good luck going forward. :)

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Ruby, now you know I'm such a gypsy, and the journey to find my "settling ground" is not so black and white...its going to be a journey in itself. I will fill you in on the journey as I go and you'll know where I land when I get there...where is it that you live again??? hahahaha Love you too sister!

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      carcro, thanks so much, I always write from the heart - can't help it - here I am, exposed in all my work. I don't mind though - there are kind people so far here on my page :)

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 6 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Well, I'm torn between feeling happy and sad. I know you will make it no matter where you go or what you do. You're a talented writer. The idea of signing a book deal in New York is not farfetched,( Our adventure ) I know you will find your niche and it will be right for you. I'm happy to read that you'll still be writing, and perhaps fill us in on destination, maybe someone new in your life, a new job?????? Love you Girlfriend.

      God bless you.

    • carcro profile image

      Paul Cronin 6 years ago from Winnipeg

      Right from the heart, really well done, you are a fine writer! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts...

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Thanks so much Sunshine! I've got so much to do, again. Today is a busy day, no time for reflection. From here on out its just go, go, go. I'll be happy to be settled in for a while, but its only temporary again...I've got more decisions to make yet. I'll be writing of course! Blessings.

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 6 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Hi Erin...Good luck with your move and your new chapter. Your poem was sadly sweet, your mom's message was an awe moment. Voted way UP!!! :)

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Thanks Mom, I'd never make it through all this without you! You're right, I do always learn, and it is life - that's the most important part. Its just part of my personal adventure. Love you too!

    • profile image

      Mom 6 years ago

      I am so proud of you and how you manage to look ahead, this is your future and I'm sure you will make good choices. I think you learn from each experience, bad or good, and you're right, this is LIFE!!! Love you, sweetheart!