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The Noah's Ark Mailbox - Store 40 Days Worth of Mail and Evade the Wrath of God

Updated on October 26, 2016

Disclaimer: Ark not built to Biblical Specifications

Source

Originally, I had hoped to find the Noah's Ark mailbox would be built to scale at 300 cubits long by 50 cubits wide by 30 cubits high. Sadly, the mailbox is quite a bit smaller at 18 1/2 inches long x 5 inches wide x 6 inches deep. On the bright side, it is USPS approved... so that's something, right?

But if you're looking for an Ark to house your immediate and extended family, along with two of every kind of runaway Zoo animal, you will be sorely disappointed.

Why? Because it's a mailbox... you know, for your mail.

Source

Flood-resistant? No, but it should keep your mail dry during storms.

So I called up the manufacturer, Pinehill Woodcrafts, and asked them how they fashion this wonderful Sunday-school throwback. It turns out that they finish the outside of the box with multiple coats of exterior polyurethane so that it won't leak during thunderstorms.

Pretty cool, huh?

(I guess. Between us, I still wish it was a real Ark.)

I was glad to see Noah has a beard...

When I first heard about this mailbox, I thought to myself, "Sounds too good to be true. I bet they've taken some sort of contemporary twist on the characters, turning their noses up at the canon." But boy, was I wrong. Noah has a bushy beard just like my Sunday school teacher told me. So that's reassuring.

And just like I always imagined, a couple of happily married turtles and crocodiles ascend the gangplank toward salvation, while behind Noah and his wife (Naamah according to the experts), a couple of random cows loiter in the ship's otherwise abysmal holds.

The Pros: Your kids (or grandkids) will love this mailbox.

Who wouldn't love pulling up to Granny's house and seeing Noah's Ark decorating the curb? In a world overrun with generic mailboxes threatening to stifle all brittle attempts at originality, we might benefit from more a customized mailbox that shows a lot of thought and care went into its design.

And how about those wooden animals on top? You know, the ones that look like toys but are actually glued to the exterior of the mailbox and therefore designed with the malicious agenda to cause unprovoked temper tantrums:

3-Year-Old Bobby, who likes animals: "Granny, can I play with the tigers and giraffes?"
Granny: "No, Bobby, they're part of the mailbox... forever."

But don't worry: Bobby's three, so he'll understand.

One Major Con: Aronofsky's Watchers are Missing from this Mailbox

Perhaps the one I thing I would most welcome in a bible story mailbox is a little freedom of interpretation -- i.e., those big Stone Giants from the movie, Noah, directed by Darren Aronofsky and starring Russel Crowe.

But hey, I get it. Beggars can't be choosers, after all.

The Noah's Ark Mailbox Poll - Vote or Die!

How closely does this mailbox resemble the Noah's Ark of biblical legend?

See results

Bible Mailbox Quiz

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© 2016 Irvin Watson

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    • Mowgli Jenkins profile image

      Mowgli Jenkins 20 months ago

      I didn't get the Stone Watchers in the Noah Movie... but I don't get this mailbox either. So I guess that makes sense.

    • Corry Advinson profile image

      Corry Advinson 20 months ago

      If the mailbox won't withstand hurricanes than what good is it?

    • profile image

      Buck Reed 21 months ago

      I have to agree with Mike Willis. My local AA group would much rather the flood story be strip of all religion. Couldn't it just be retold in some ancient Hebrew children story books?

    • profile image

      Mike Willis 21 months ago

      I don't like what this article is trying to say with it's references to religion. I believe mailboxes and religion should be separate.

    • profile image

      Matt Midthun 21 months ago

      Excellent, Let me know when I can get an Ark of the Covenant mailbox as well!

    • profile image

      Buck Reed 21 months ago

      Where can I order an ark box? I want to order one for my local American Atheists chapter here in San Francisco. We may not believe in God, but that flood story is no BS, how else did all the dinosaurs die?

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