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Things That You Cannot Do While Mowing Your Lawn

Updated on September 17, 2015
The vintage lawn mower.
The vintage lawn mower. | Source

Lawn mowing, we salute you

Out of a sincere heart and since summer is just days away from being a memory, it behooved me to do this one piece to talk about one, just one, segment of our favorite season: Cutting the lawn. Other terms are: Mowing the grass, mowing the lawn, and hating every sweaty minute of it. Especially teen boys who have met puberty and now suddenly in love with some girl named "Billie Suggs," a girl two grades ahead of him, sneaks sips of Old Crow, smokes and works nights at "Papa's 24-Hour Truck Stop and Diner," on the interstate out of town.

I do not think that John Deere has yet to invent an air conditioned cab for their regular size lawnmowers. Am I right? The only way I would have known of John Deere taking lawn-cutting to a pleasurable level by installing an air conditioner on their mowers is seeing one commercial after the other on television and hearing them on the radio.

Woman having fun mowing her lawn.
Woman having fun mowing her lawn. | Source

An honest confession . . .

Let's hurt our spirits by coming completely clean about the subject of lawn mowing. I promise that this will not harm you. Here are just a few adjectives I can use to describe lawn mowing:

  • Boring
  • Hot
  • Aggravating when the sweat bees attack my shins.
  • Dull
  • Depressing


In the 1950's, a man felt like a real man when he became the owner of a real lawn mower.
In the 1950's, a man felt like a real man when he became the owner of a real lawn mower. | Source

I had issues with cutting grass

And that is just a few adjectives. In a phrase, I can best describe lawn mowing as being a member of a chain gang down in eastern Georgia in 1949. To me, this task is that draining of my will and spirit. If I had a choice, I had rather try to hitch-hike to New York City than try to force (or con) myself to ever loving the work of lawn mowing.

I have been disabled since 2003 and my specialists told me that the bumping up and down of a riding mower would in fact, make my back worse and aggravate my Fibromyalgia, so nowadays, my wife cuts the grass because she will, if asked how she feels about cutting grass, emphatically say, "I love it! Why wouldn't anyone not like cutting grass?"

No comment.

And in time, lawn mowing was handed-down to "little Johnny" who carried on this American tradition.
And in time, lawn mowing was handed-down to "little Johnny" who carried on this American tradition. | Source
History on two wheels.
History on two wheels. | Source
Sometimes mowing grass can be a family affair.
Sometimes mowing grass can be a family affair. | Source
A mom gives her daughter lessons on how to cut grass.
A mom gives her daughter lessons on how to cut grass. | Source
Just you and the grass and the sweat.
Just you and the grass and the sweat. | Source
Lawn cutting: a lonely job.
Lawn cutting: a lonely job. | Source

To those who agree with my wife about cutting grass, I have devoted some valuable time to researching the contents of this piece that I like to call . . .

Things That You Cannot Do While Mowing Your Lawn

  • Trying to keep a conversation going with a next-door neighbor above the gnawing sounds of your mower.
  • Shutting your eyes so you can tell your friends you were the first on your block to mow grass while blind.
  • When you see a neighbor setting up his grill, stop your mower and yell, "I'll be finished in ten minutes."
  • Take out the gun you have hidden on your mower and shoot in the air yelling "I love Wild Bill Hickok!"
  • Set your mower to wide-open and see how fast you can mow your grass.
  • Mowing your lawn as nude as you were the day you were born.
  • Set up obstacles in your yard and see how many you can clear like an Olympian.
  • Scare your dog by riding your mower dressed in a gorilla suit that you bought.
  • Stand up and throw your arms in the air and yell, "Hi, neighbors! Watch me do my next trick."
  • Suddenly stop your lawn mower so people can see you, then reach underneath the mower to get a baseball you have just spotted.
  • Place several used tires in your yard then set them on fire. Now start jumping through the billows of smoke the tires create and yell, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
  • Get off of your lawn mower and chase it down like a wild bronco and mount it as many times as possible.
  • Turn on your water hose, and it is hot so you are doing people a favor, and while riding around the edge of your yard be spraying a mist of cool, refreshing water on those neighbors getting tans, having barbecue's and playing tennis.
  • When four police cruisers (with blue lights on) rush to your house, act angry at them and say, "You will never take me alive copper!"

or then again . . .you could cut-back on your booze.

Would she inspire you to cut your lawn more often?

Comments

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear MizbeJabbers,

      Thank you so much for your sweet words. I love them. Yes, thank you for the offer of sending me some Reike, but please include how to use it. And I appreciate your loving effort.

      Please send to:

      Kenneth Avery

      P.O. Box 201

      Hamilton, AL. 35570

      And always know that I will always look on you very fondly and as my dear friend.

      God bless you richly.

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James-MizBejabbers 

      2 years ago

      Kenneth, I am glad to hear that you are doing much better. Of course, we didn't know that you were so near death. Congestive heart failure is serious business, and 57 lbs. is a lot of fluid. I have a friend whose son went through the same thing and then had a valve replacement. He's doing fine now, so I look forward to hearing that you are too. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. I am a Reike healer, and will send you some Reike if you want to accept it. Love and light to you and the Mrs., Kenneth.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, MizBejabbers,

      Your stories are always hilarious as well as interesting. Thank you for sharing this episode. I loved it.

      I am sorry for not publishing that many hubs due to having to be admitted to the hospital three weeks ago for congestive heart failure. The doc's drained 57 pounds of fluid from around and in my heart. Now I am on a strict diet and have, thank God, lost 74 pounds. But I am so weak and tired, but, again, thank God, I am alive.

      Please keep me and my wife in your prayers.

      Note: During all of my near-death experience, everyone around me was going nuts while I just relaxed. I guess where there is no sense there is no feeling. LOL.

      Love you, Miz.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      blessedp,

      Thank you for your comment. I appreciate your candor too. I was glad to share, but I wish I had known you when I was all but forced to make lawn mowing an every Saturday event when I was young. Yukk!

      And please keep in touch.

      Your Friend, Kenneth

    • blessedp profile image

      blessedp 

      2 years ago

      I read your pain about mowing grass or lawn. I have never done it before and i honestly think i won't any time soon. Being sweaty and sticky i can do without that.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James-MizBejabbers 

      2 years ago

      You really think it's that bad? This is a true story. Back in the 70s my long-haired brother was mowing the lawn wearing only a pair of cut-off jeans. A friend of my uncle's was scandalized. He told Uncle W. that he saw Daddy's daughter mowing the lawn topless last weekend. Daddy came home laughing his head off. My sister was still living at home at the time, and if I'd been in her place, I would have been pissed off to have been accused of being that flat-chested.

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