What You Should Do With All That Removed Snow
It Has to Stop Sometime
For many of us this winter, the sheer amount of snow has resulted in frayed nerves, cabin fever, and putting on some extra pounds. I love to blame the snow in particular for my putting on extra weight, but as a whole, I know it's the result of cold, dark months combined with a natural inclination to hibernate and be lazy. Yes, I've been a little lazy, and I'm going to keep blaming the snowfall for that.
In an effort to lighten the moods of millions like myself, stuck indoors for months at a time, here are some ridiculous ways to dispose of all that snow on your driveway, walkways, roof, and deck. Please don't take any of this seriously. This is my version of a disclaimer.
Bringing the Snow Indoors
Here are some not-so-helpful ideas for bringing that excess snow indoors to work for you. Remember to wear gloves when handling snow and ice, as it tends to be cold. If snow and ice no longer feels cold, you should seek medical attention immediately.
* Collect a sample of fine, powdery snow for use on cupcakes and muffins. Make sure your guests eat immediately, as the sprinkled topping won't last long. Be coy about giving out the recipe.
* Collect chunks of ice and snow, and place them carefully around the base of each houseplant. Not only will the plant be hydrated as a result, but you'll save on your water bill. Make sure not to grab ice from the curb, as plants tend not to like salt.
* Apparently, really cold water closes your pores. Fill a basin with snow and leave it on your counter for 10 minutes. Now dunk your face in it repeatedly, leaving your face submerged on the fifth dunk. At this point, your pores might be closed.
* Reenact the death scene in Frosty the Snowman . Make Frosty, and then watch him melt on the kitchen floor over the course over a couple of hours. Feel free to use his remains to mop your floor, and keep in mind, Frosty will not be revived by opening the door.
* Fill a planter's pot with Miracle Grow. Then scoop the dirtiest snow you can find and pile it on top. When Spring comes, you'll find out what the local wildlife has been eating.
* Fill sundae cones with fresh snow. Throw on sprinkles and cherries, and serve them to your family in the guise of a "low-cal" dessert. This will save on the grocery bills.
* Use chunks of ice as a temporary fill for the gaps around your chimney. After all, who needs foam insulation? Remember, however, that this solution is temporary, and will need to be repeated several times a day.
* Stop spending money on running that refrigerator and/or freezer. Instead, use the box the refrigerator came in, filled regularly with heaps of snow. You might not be able to find items without a fuss, but it'll be a conversation-starter.
* Cast-iron radiators can be a hazard for children and pets. Pack a solid wall of snow or ice around those burning radiators as a precaution. You'll feel better knowing everyone is safe and sound.
* Fill your second floor with snow. Not only will this remove a whole lot of snow from your driveway, but you'll finally have the opportunity to test the structural integrity of your home.
* It always seems so bright out after a new snowfall. Fill glasses with snow to use as nightlights in your childrens' rooms. The perk is that you'll no longer be bothered with those "Can I have a glass of water?" queries in the middle of the night.
Keeping the Snow Outdoors
If you'd like to keep the inside of your home snow-free, then keep it outside where it belongs. Here are some unhelpful ideas for doing just that.
* Shovel/snowblow much of your driveway into your neighbor's driveway as a gag. He's already punchy from the long winter, and this is sure to lift his spirits. Make sure to do this immediately once he's gone inside after clearing snow. This makes it a surprise, which is always more fun.
* Coat all windows of your home with snow. This gives your family the impression that you're living by your wits in the Alaskan frontier, and will surely bring you all closer together. Game night will be much more rewarding.
* If your home is missing a deck or porch, get building with all that excess snow. Chances are that the barbecue scheduled for Memorial Day might be a little sloppy, so prepare yourself.
* It's expensive to install fencing, but if your neighbor's dog is invading your space, get cracking with all the snow. Your neighbor might complain to local authorities that your fence isn't on the property line, but by the time they get around to investigating, it'll be you who has the last laugh.
* Oftentimes, trees lose much of their coat of snow during the winter. Return that pile of snow from your truck's roof back to the branches from which it came. This may be a time-consuming process, but the trees will thank you.
* The middle of your street has barely any snow at all. This doesn't seem right, considering that there's plenty to go around. Spread the wintery wealth. (In all seriousness, don't do this!)
* Fill the back of your pickup with snow from your driveway, and then proceed to drive quickly around town. Assuming it's light, powdery stuff, you'll be amazed and relieved by the time you return home.
* Create an emergency ramp exiting your second-story bedroom. You've been meaning to invest in a rope-ladder for use in the case of fire, and this is one step better. The plus is that you can get the mail much faster, too.
* Create enormous letters out of snow in your front yard. To be ironic, consider S-N-O-W. Feel free, however, to tell anyone anything. You can direct your message to space or simply to the nosy woman across the street.