The Aliens have Landed - at our House!
My husband just loves the WEIRD orchids - the stranger, the better. I do have to admit, I love them, too! Some of the orchids, among the thousands that he grows, are so very "freaky-looking", that I refer to them as his Alien orchids. When you see them, you'll understand, and wait until you hear what they did to me!
Now, please understand - the orchid plants don't look like aliens, the orchid blossoms look like aliens, and some of them are so large, that it is startling - to say the least - to see them bloom!
Take this little guy, for instance. See his eyes, nose, moustache, arms, legs - now, really - does he look like an orchid?
P.S. This fellow can stay, I love him - he is well-behaved, but some of them are trouble, with a capital "T"!
Keep scrolling down 'cause - you "ain't seen nothin' yet"!
There are quite a few more Alien orchids below. They all live with us.
I thought they were sweet and harmless, until their true colors began to emerge.
Keep reading, and you'll find out how they orchestrated an Alien Orchid uprising, which not only got me in trouble with the law, but landed me in jail!
Alien Orchid from the Dark Side
How this for a sinister, ominous Orchid?
This fellow felt "left out", so we decided he could also stay, and whaddya know? He brought some more with him...look farther down the page.
That's the trouble with these guys - you give 'em an inch, and they take a mile. Not content to bring more of his "own kind", he reached across the species, and brought along some real weirdos!
When he blooms - he looks like something out of your worst nightmare! Just LOOK at his "face" - evil personified, isn't it? I should have picked up on that, but I just trust everyone. In his case, that was a mistake. He was in the vanguard of the ALIEN ORCHID INVASION!
Who would ever think that this was an orchid?
Looks innocuous, doesn't he?
That's not what we hear...
Evidently, this is one of the main instigators of the ALIEN ORCHID INVASION. Ignore his meek, mild manner and his long, lean "farm hand" look; it's a ruse. Appearances are deceiving, and we have reason to believe that he engineered the entire operation.
Content in his belief that NO ONE would suspect him, he silently stalks our property. Don't let his looks deceive you, or his "Thank you. ma'am" and "y'all" speech - that slang lingo is just exactly why he avoided detection...until NOW!
Your cover is blown big guy - we've got your number!
Shhh! Don't let on that his disguise has been unveiled...business as usual, mum's the word, and all that!
See? I Am Not The ONLY One!
Here is evidence, that I am not the only one who knows that orchids can be deceptive! I just KNEW that someone else in the world knew about their disguises and shenanigans, and sure enough - this author KNOWS!
You see? The author of "Deceptive Beauties", knows! The subtitle of his book is "The World of Wild Orchids". I am sure he doesn't mean the orchids that grow in the wild - he must have experienced some of their "wild" behavior!
I personally caught this bunch red-handed!
Well, would 'ya looka here? These four thought they were going to slip in through the mail slot - little did they know, I've dealt with their kind before!
They may be small, but they multiply so rapidly; you just can't keep up with them, and before you know it...BAM!...there are millions of them.
Spreading rapidly throughout your entire domicile, these silent, frail, "sweet-looking" tiny alien orchids will invade every single inch of your home. You'll find them in your pots and pans, in the pantry, in the refrigerator, under the bed, hiding in paper towel and toilet tissue rolls, and even in your toothpaste! Their long, flexible bodies allow them to go just about anywhere! The invasion by these felons* was almost complete, when I found their Achilles' Heel!
*Well, they are felons! They were breaking and entering, or at least...entering.
The ONLY way to eradicate them, is to lie in wait; warily watching for their descent. Then...quick as a wink...grab their lifelines, squeeze tight, so none escape your clutches, and chop the lifelines off, with your scissors. Yes, I know it seems cruel, and PETO will probably be after me, but that is truly the only way to get rid of them, and Save Planet Earth!
P.S. PETO stands for - People for the Ethical Treatment of Orchids
PETO Arrives in Force!
Drat! I knew they'd catch up with me! It was only a matter of time...
Oh, no! It's one of PETO's officers. You know - People for the Ethical Treatment of Orchids. Blast! I didn't think they'd show up for at least another year.
This fellow is the Deputy Sheriff - they call him "The Enforcer" - because he rabidly enforces any violations of the PETO CODE. You can just make out his little yellow head, under his armored hood.
Oh, dear! I'm in trouble now - he's riding on one of their fierce Basher Bulbo Beasts. They can sniff you out, anywhere! What am I to do?
Don't they care that these Alien Orchids have invaded our living space, our trees, our lanai, and our very lives? All of these years, that my husband painstakingly watered them, repotted them, fertilized them, babied them and loved them - counts for nothing?
Despite my dedicated efforts to foil the Alien Orchid Invasion, to save our planet from their absolute domination, and all the years of comfort they enjoyed in our home - they rebelled.
They have no gratitude - apparently, I'm to be put on trial!
Great...that's just great. Where on earth am I going to find an Anti-Alien Orchid Advocate? If the verdict is guilty, I will be sent to PETO's isolated Orchid Abuse Penitentiary. What about the other Orchids, the ones who are not Alien Orchids? Can I call them as witnesses? Do I get a trial by jury, of my peers? Where is JUSTICE? Apparently, there IS no escape. Alas,... I'll have to give myself up.
WAIT A MINUTE! I KNOW - I'LL CALL ON THE "ANGEL ORCHIDS"! They'll help me - they HAVE to - that's their job; helping Mankind. I may not have to go to the "pen". Oh, I am so glad I thought of them! Stay tuned below - I may be saved!
My Anti-Alien Orchid Advocate...
He's slick, he's quick, and he's just who I need!
I have an Advocate! Hallelujah! The INNOCENT VICTIMS GUARDIAN ANGEL ORCHID sent help, and FAST, too! She is simply the best.
This aged AAO ADVOCATE ORCHID is just perfect. No wonder he chose the law as his profession! Just take a good look at his "mouth". He has a forked tongue - see it?
Now, thankfully, this fellow is on the side of TRUTH, JUSTICE, and THE ORCHID WAY, or he'd be a formidable foe. He explained to me, that he uses his unusual appendage, to confuse and confound, since he can speak out of both sides of his mouth - at the same time! Rather than using his tongue's "split personality" to prevaricate, he uses it to split the opposition's thought processes. Anyone who is on his right side, hears ONE thing - while those on his left side, hear ANOTHER. Both are true, but the "divided speech" brings dissension to the rank and file - and, before they know it - the hearers will just believe anything that comes out of his mouth. This unique capability has made him a legend in his own time, and he is most deserving of it, too!
Incidentally, he can bring the two sections of his tongue together, when conversing with family or friends, or when ordering at a restaurant. He had to "sort-of" get a grip on that early, because he constantly had two different meals brought to him by waiters insistent that - THAT was what he ordered!
The AAO Advocate is rarely called upon, due to humans' inherent fear of Alien Orchids; they are basically terrified of them! There are not many known cases of Alien Abuse anymore. The AAO Advocate vocation has almost become extinct; there is just no demand for them. This rare relic was literally commandeered to come to my aid, by one of our darling Angel Orchids. I KNEW they'd help me!
You don't know what Angel Orchids are?
Oh, my word - REALLY? Well, you need to see some of our other orchid articles.
The ANGEL ORCHIDS exist - what would we do without them?
The Angel Orchid who Saved Me!
She sent the AAO Advocate..
Sh! Here's my rescuer. Isn't she lovely? Now, you can see there are others around her; look hard - you can just make out their wings - but THIS marvelous Angel Orchid was watching me, and knew I needed help. I didn't even get the opportunity to make that call!
She had been monitoring the entire thing, from the beginning of my dilemma - when PETO's enforcer arrived - to my incarceration, awaiting trial.
This INNOCENT VICTIMS GUARDIAN ANGEL ORCHID beat her wings so fast, to find me an AAO Advocate, that she wore her lovely wings "smooth", and actually put splits in her "skirts". She must have taken off to get my Advocate, right when PETO came to the house, because I was only there for a few hours.
They didn't HAVE to come - I would have turned myself in, just to spare the family shame. But, the problem with the PETO bunch, is that - they don't get very many calls - most people are gentle with Orchids; ANY Orchids. When PETO is called upon, they overreact. Must make them feel important, or something. At any rate, her intervention, and my Anti-Alien Orchid Advocate saved me from PETO's maximum security penitentiary!
Read on, to see what transpired...
Kidnapped - and then - Trial by Orchids
Who would have thought it would come to this?
I never expected THIS to happen!
The "Enforcer" from PETO came to the house, and without even a "by your leave", shackled me with those dreaded "orchid root cuffs", blindfolded me and dragged me off to their PETO Headquarters. I couldn't see where I was going, or even who had me!
Help! I have been kidnapped!
It's a good thing my ever-protective Angel Orchid called my Anti-Alien Orchid Advocate! Within 4 hours, I was released into my AAO Advocate's custody. The next day, we went to trial. PETO moves fast, as they are populated by PETO politicians, who have a little "good old boys" club going. Thankfully, my Advocate was on to them; he'd dealt with them, before.
When he picked me up, he wasted no time. Taped a private "deposition", if you want to call it that, and took photos of me - front, back, and sides. Well, it's a good thing he did that, because that was the clincher - the photo gallery he showed the jury.
The charges brought against me were:
- Physical abuse of Alien Orchids
- Publishing lies about their mission on Earth
- Assault and Battery
- Exposure of Alien Orchid Agendas (HUH?)....and
- Alien Orchid Starvation and Neglect.
Oh - give me a break! After all of the wonderful things I say about them, too!
My Orchid Advocates and Adversaries
My life was in their hands...
My 2 Advocates at the top, my 2 Adversaries at the bottom.
Here they are - all four of them. The top two were determined to help me, and the bottom two were determined that the ruling would be swift, and my sentence would be harsh, long, and painful!
On the edge of my seat...
The trial was a joke - a bad joke. I was blown away by the injustice of it all. Because they scrambled, to conduct my trial on the very next day, I couldn't even gather my "ammunition".
I did not want the trial to be in my hometown. I happen to KNOW how crooked the presiding Alien Orchid Judge is. Alien Orchid Abuse is a adjudged a felony, and he is famous for handing down maximum penalty decisions.
Sure enough, the "Honorable" Judge Porker, better known as PETO's "Hanging Judge", was set to preside over my case. Honorable NOTHING - he is one of the worst judges in history!
- I had requested a trial by jury, of my peers.
- My request was denied.
- I requested a continuation. Request - denied.
- I requested my husband's presence. Request - denied.
- I requested witnesses - ORCHID witnesses. Request - denied.
- I requested a change of venue. Request - denied.
What a kangaroo court! I didn't even think Orchids knew about kangaroos!
Here's what happened:
PETO turned out in full force. No one was allowed to speak in my favor, just my AAO Advocate. No one else was allowed to come, to support me. Remember, they wouldn't even allow my husband's presence. The only ones present were - the bailiff, the court reporter, the judge, PETO's representative, who is also their attorney, my AAO Advocate, and I. My Innocent Victims Guardian Angel Orchid was there, but she was invisible to anyone but my Advocate, and I - me - well... myself. You understand - grammar just sometimes gets in the way.
When the charges against me were read, I just about stood up and objected - MYSELF! My AAO Advocate reached out and grasped my arm, firmly but gently, and in Morse code, tapped out on my knee - JUST WAIT. I relaxed.
I was not allowed to speak. It appeared that my AAO Advocate was not going to be allowed to speak, either. After a lengthy treatise by PETO's attorney, the judge raised his gavel, to close the proceedings, and issue a verdict.
A Travesty Of Justice...
THEN, my AAO Advocate rose to the occasion. He stood up, to his full 3 inch height - he had 1 inch lifters on - and cleared his throat. All eyes were instantly riveted on him.
"Your Honor", he exclaimed. "If it please the court, might I remind you that Alien Orchid Law demands full disclosure of the facts, and the evidence."
To say the judge was shocked, is an understatement. NO ONE ever spoke to "The Hanging Judge" in that tone. Without waiting for the judge's reply, my AAO Advocate strode to the bench, positioned himself squarely in front of the judge, and with his back to the bench, he said -
"Ladies and gentlemen orchids, scoundrels and rascals alike - lend me your petals. It is the intent of the law, not the letter of the law, which needs to be addressed here today. The charges brought against my client are heinous, unfounded, and illegal. You have heard the rambling, illogical ravings of the PETO attorney. Now, we will take a few moments for sense, sensibility, and logic. Allow me to present evidence, and enter it into the court records, as to how this apprehension of my client was conducted. Once you have examined the evidence", here - he turned and looked directly into the judge's eyes, "you can then hand down the verdict."
My AAO Advocate delivered my statement:
"Allow me to read to you, my client's statement. Examine the accompanying photos, and look at the photos I personally took, of the Alien Orchid Invasion. You will see that they are crowding out all of the available space, sunlight, water, and nutrients - and preventing all of the hundreds of OTHER orchids, from what they require for their very existence."...and, he read what I wrote:
- "No one read me my rights.
- A blindfold was put on my eyes, before I could blink.
- There was no ID shown, by the 'Enforcer'.
- They shackled me with orchid root cuffs on my wrists and ankles, that drew blood.
- I was not allowed to make a phone call.
- They illegally kidnapped me.
- They put me into a maximum security solitary confinement cell.
- There were no bathroom facilities.
- My body was bruised and bloodied, from THEIR abuse.
- The interrogation process was brutal.
In addition, all of the Alien Orchids involved have had exquisite care from my husband for years. Never have they suffered abuse, and I have photographs to prove that they have lived in the lap of luxury in our home since they were baby orchids."
THEN, he passed around the photos he took of me, shackled and blindfolded, and of the Alien Orchid Invasion at our home. He showed the court the shambles that PETO had made of the inside of our home, looking for others they could kidnap.
There was dead silence in the courtroom; you could have heard an orchid seed drop.
Well,... it didn't take long; simply a few minutes - and a POWERFUL wrenching of the judge's ears by our beloved Innocent Victims Guardian Angel Orchid - for the judge to bang his gavel down, and declare - "I find the accused NOT GUILTY".
I was so excited...I almost crushed my Advocate to death, hugging him. As a unit, PETO stormed out in rage, and I headed home to deal with some renegade rapscallions, masquerading as orchids!
What an experience! Let this be a lesson to you. If you have any trouble with Alien Orchids, make sure you are on the side of the Angel Orchids or you may never be heard from AGAIN!
Whew! THAT was a close one! Bless the Angel Orchids, bless my Innocent Victim Guardian Angel Orchid, bless my AAO Advocate, and bless the Lord!
Our Alien Orchid Poll
Did you know that "Alien Orchids" existed?
You'll read about over 1500 different orchids in this gem of an orchid book!
Pay particular attention to any of the photos of orchids that look like the ones who kidnapped me. DO NOT grow them in your home, if you value your sanity!
I think they are Aliens...you may think what you wish - just don't let their beauty deceive you!Click thumbnail to view full-size
Other Strange Orchids on HubPages
- Dracula Orchids: The Monkey Faced Flower
Dracula flowers are an oddity in the the world of strange plants. While many animals and fungi have evolved to resemble flowers and plants, the dracula flower has evolved to resemble fungi.
- 10 Unusual Orchids That Look Like Monkeys And Other Animals | Weird Orchids
Exotic and unusual orchids that look like monkeys, bees, babies, flying ducks and doves. Plus descriptions of all their funny little quirks, botanical names and pictures of orchids.
- Strange and Unusual Exotic Plants and Flowers
From beautiful to bizarre, here are some of the oddest looking members of the plant family.
Orchids on eBay - from sellers we know! - Great orchids here!
When purchasing ORCHIDS, any orchids, it pays to know your seller. The people listed here have consistently provided quality orchids, and excellent customer service. We trust them, or we wouldn't encourage you to look...
Orchids, orchids, orchids...and that "ain't" all!
Want to see more orchids? Check out the links below. THESE people know ORCHIDS!
We've even included an Orchid Encyclopedia, for your viewing pleasure.
- Orchid Encyclopedia
You'll spend hours on this site, if you want to see just about every orchid "known to man". We know...that they are still a lot of them NOT known to man...don't we?
- Meke Aloha Orchids
Oh, they DO grow some gorgeous orchids! Take a look at their photo gallery.
- Oak Hill Gardens
My husband used to go there, when he lived up north. Knows them, personally, and owns a lot of orchids from them. Great orchids!
- Clown Alley Orchids
Well, you KNOW I like them! So many of my husband's orchids LOOK like clowns!
- Andy's Orchids on a Stick
Well, the name says it all. Just a pleasure to view his orchids, and have some from him, too!
Amazon Spotlight on Orchids
Because so many of the ones that I call "Alien Orchids" are actual species orchids, rather than hybrids, this book will help you identify them, and keep them healthy. Orchids bloom with so many different colors, sizes, shapes, and fragrances, that it is hard to love just one specific variety.
For those of you who want to know how to grow some of these "Alien Orchids", as I call them, this excellent book is the place to start. Not only are the photos spectacular, the information between the covers is just incredible. Definitely a "must-have", if you like the weird ones.
Alien Orchid Invasion Alert
We have given you a few of the stranger ones to see here, just to give you a taste of what we have to deal with. Please CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY if they frightened you, or if you suspect an alien orchid invasion where you live, or if you feel kin to them, or if you have one of them growing in your yard.
We'll send our "ALIEN ORCHID BUSTERS TEAM" right over - NO CHARGE!
Just a WORD OF CAUTION - If you do feel "kin" to them, we're gonna snatch you! You may as well say good-bye to your loved ones, as you will be quarantined, in solitary confinement, for a long, long WHILE!
P.S. COMMENTS BY ALIEN ORCHIDS WILL BE DELETED!
Our "Alien Orchids" are quite healthy, so we didn't really need this book, but some of the rabble rousers are pressing my husband to get it - just in case they DO get ill. The way the "Alien Orchids" treat ME, I think THEY should be in the book!
Our Alien Orchid Quiz
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© 2010 Emily Tack