ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Garden Gnomes Are Evil!

Updated on September 17, 2014

They Should be Banned!

Garden Gnomes The bane of home owners associations everywhere...I personally hate gnomes & usually the entire yard decor they are plopped in. They seem to be just like potato chips you can't just have one. No sir, you have to have at least 20 of these ill painted creatures with stupid pointy hats.They sit there day after day taunting the neighbors with the pristine lawns & manicured bushes. Soon the neighbors don't mind them, then after a while they think they're cute, then BAM! Before you know it they have infiltrated every lawn in the neighborhood. It's a epidemic!But they are evil...they do creepy things at night and while your back is turned. Creepy things!

Zombie Pink Flamingo Garden Gnome!!-
Zombie Pink Flamingo Garden Gnome!!-

They Kill Flamingos!

That's right those filthy little monsters are out all night murdering sweet innocent lawn flamingos. What did flamingos ever do you ask? They were born. These blood thirsty gnomes will stop at nothing.

Read more about this here.

BigMouth Inc The Butcher Garden Gnome, Funny Lawn Gnome Statue, Garden Gnome Decoration Killing Flamingo
BigMouth Inc The Butcher Garden Gnome, Funny Lawn Gnome Statue, Garden Gnome Decoration Killing Flamingo

The crazed look in his eyes says it all. Flamingos never hurt anyone, they are innocent!

 

They can kill you with laser beams...

That gnome may look all cute & charming but he's waiting to kill you with laser beam eyes! Then he'll steal your socks & underpants...don't turn your back on a gnome.Spread the word...they have the whole planet fooled into thinking spontaneous combustion exists, when it's been the evil gnomes this whole time.

They are Total Perverts!

That's right, they are complete perverts that shouldn't be out in public much less on your lawn! Do you know what they do when you aren't looking? They flash the dog...how sick is that?! As if dog don't have enough stuff to deal with they now have to see gnome goodies every time they go outside...Frankly it's the main reason for problems with house breaking. The dogs want to go out, but they just can't handle the gnome abuse.


The women are worse!

As if the evil gnome men flashing wasn't enough you have these sick chubby strippers too. All those years you thought the raccoons were messing up your tomato stakes...turns out it was chubby stripper gnomes!

They are just sick little minions I tell you, and not the cute kind from Despicable Me either! Do you really want this kind of low class hussy in your very own yard? I think not!

Yikes!

They have Weapons!

Sure you've seen them with shovels & pick axes, and those were scary enough...but now they have access to tiny guns! After years in the socks & underpants trade they have gone total mafia. It seems worse in better neighborhoods with more expensive underpants. It's just so sad that they have turn to crime like this.

Be careful when killing them!

You can't just kill a gnome & bury it's filthy little body...or it will come back a mutated flesh eating zombie! Been there, done that almost lost a leg. To properly kill a gnome you must whack it in the head, tie it up, duct tape the ropes, put it in a tiny shark cage...don't go cheap with a dog cage...those won't hold! Then you need to find a bridge at least 100 high & throw it off. Or you could bury them in the yard & the kids will lose limbs...totally up to you.

See more on this here!

Proof they are Evil!

Proof they are Evil!
Proof they are Evil!

Combat the Evil!

Gnome Bearers Sugar Post Gnome Be Gone


Do you get tired of seeing those gnomes in everyone's garden? Well then this is the garden ornament for you. These paired up Gnome Be Gones bring their gnome with them that they'll carry away for you. This is truly a garden delight that will make you smile. Each piece is individually hand made and some variations may result. Measures 14"L x 7"W x 17"T, includes the detachable gnome.

They Stalk You!

Protect your Yard with Gnome Traps!

Gnome Traps

Recreate those old-fashioned bear traps with the Gnome Trap! With two rings of spikes opened wide, a small "trip lever" and a miniature watering can as "bait", this gnome trap is just waiting to snap up one of those creepy gnomes.The trap measures: 2"T x 15 1/2"W, the Watering Can measures: 3 1/2"T x 3 3/4"W, and the Gnome measures: 12 1/4"T x 4 3/4"W.

Watch Your Back!

Secrets of the Gnomes

An account of the life and work of gnomes, based on first-hand observations by the author and artist, who, themselves turned into gnomes, visited with gnomes in Lapland and Siberia. It's good to know your enemy.

Lock Your Doors!

Clearly they have no respect for our culture!

Those sick, sick gnomes have yet again proven they are just not fit to be in public. Look at this guy waving his gross little hiney out there for the entire world to see. Ugh, Bunch of sicko's.

They have no shame....

This little weirdo is sporting a mankini...like anyone wants to see that! They are shameless little beings that don't deserve to live in our yards...or communities! Act now to ban "their kind" from out neighborhoods & lawns!

You don't even want to know what they are doing when it's really hot out...*Shudders*

They Violate Our Lawns!

Is that gnome doing...is he...He IS! I had always blamed the neighbors dogs but look there's proof it's just more filthy gnomes destroying our property with their tiny gnome poops. What's next gnome brothels?

Missing a cat? - Now you know why!

They run a thriving sex trade...

As if the mooners, strippers & flasher weren't enough they also have a active prostitution ring. The pimps are bold & shouldn't be messed with...they are easy to spot though. They often look like Huggy Bear...plus the pimp cane, hat & suit give it away.

Stay clear of these guys...you don't even want to know what they are having the ladies do in your shed...oh & lock up your shed.

Here's one at a police line up....

Clearly even after being arrested this gnome is still out for blood. What a sick little freak this guy is, he's clearly hopped up on the crack! His name is Gned the Blue Gnombie...I assume that is some kind of gang affiliation.

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

By now you are wondering what you could do you protect your family from the evilness that lurks on the lawn. Your in luck, because there is a survival guide with step by step directions and universal precautions you can take to secure your home. The danger is real & if you don't act now you whole family could be slaughtered! SLAUGHTERED! Can you live with that kind of guilt? You might want to get a few extra copies for your friends...you don't want them to die either!

Avoid this one for sure!

Gargoyles Are on Our Side!

Thankfully we do have a few allies in the war on gnome-kind. Gargoyles, yes that's right Gargoyles. They hate gnomes more than we do! I'm not sure what they do with them all but I think it's best to not ask too many questions.

Your Turn!

Garden Gnomes Are Evil & Scary!

How they really feel!

Do the Gnomes invade your dreams?

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Erin Mellor profile image

      Erin Mellor 

      4 years ago from Europe

      I knew there was something sinister about them, sitting there, pretending to bed fishing whilst they are really dreaming up evil plans.

    • esmonaco profile image

      Eugene Samuel Monaco 

      4 years ago from Lakewood New York

      I jus loved readin this! Thanks you so much :)

    • LiteraryMind profile image

      Ellen Gregory 

      4 years ago from Connecticut, USA

      They didn't invade my dreams until seeing this. Now, I'm not so sure. I'll see tonight. I must say this was a great laugh. As just a side note: Martha Stewart's former husband was instrumental in bringing The Secrets of the Gnomes to publication.

    • LSJ-88 profile image

      LSJ-88 

      4 years ago

      I really want one of those combat Garden Gnomes for our front yard (just to aggravate our HOA) but my husband says no....Cute lens.

    • Virginia Allain profile image

      Virginia Allain 

      4 years ago from Central Florida

      Some aren't so bad. I have a number of lenses about gnomes who are fairly harmless and one lens about the naughty gnomes too.

    • shellys-space profile image

      Shelly Sellers 

      4 years ago from Midwest U.S.A.

      Love the "squatting" Gnome figure!

    • Elsie Hagley profile image

      Elsie Hagley 

      4 years ago from New Zealand

      No they done invade my dreams, because I have never seen any like these around were i live.But you made my smile, Thanks.

    • jennabee25 profile image

      Jenn Dixon 

      4 years ago from PA

      I love this!

    • paulahite profile image

      Paula Hite 

      4 years ago from Virginia

      Fun lens! Its on our Facebook page today!! :D

    • Nancy Hardin profile image

      Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 

      4 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

      Nah, but my daughter says they are. She will not have them in her yard. If she finds one, she uproots it and has it picked up by the trashmen. I suspect they slip back in the night and wake the dog so it will bark and wake my daughter.

    • profile image

      GrammieOlivia 

      4 years ago

      Nah, not really!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)