Garden Gnomes Are Evil!
They Should be Banned!
Garden Gnomes The bane of home owners associations everywhere...I personally hate gnomes & usually the entire yard decor they are plopped in. They seem to be just like potato chips you can't just have one. No sir, you have to have at least 20 of these ill painted creatures with stupid pointy hats.They sit there day after day taunting the neighbors with the pristine lawns & manicured bushes. Soon the neighbors don't mind them, then after a while they think they're cute, then BAM! Before you know it they have infiltrated every lawn in the neighborhood. It's a epidemic!But they are evil...they do creepy things at night and while your back is turned. Creepy things!
They Kill Flamingos!
The crazed look in his eyes says it all. Flamingos never hurt anyone, they are innocent!
They can kill you with laser beams...
That gnome may look all cute & charming but he's waiting to kill you with laser beam eyes! Then he'll steal your socks & underpants...don't turn your back on a gnome.Spread the word...they have the whole planet fooled into thinking spontaneous combustion exists, when it's been the evil gnomes this whole time.
They are Total Perverts!
That's right, they are complete perverts that shouldn't be out in public much less on your lawn! Do you know what they do when you aren't looking? They flash the dog...how sick is that?! As if dog don't have enough stuff to deal with they now have to see gnome goodies every time they go outside...Frankly it's the main reason for problems with house breaking. The dogs want to go out, but they just can't handle the gnome abuse.
The women are worse!
As if the evil gnome men flashing wasn't enough you have these sick chubby strippers too. All those years you thought the raccoons were messing up your tomato stakes...turns out it was chubby stripper gnomes!
They are just sick little minions I tell you, and not the cute kind from Despicable Me either! Do you really want this kind of low class hussy in your very own yard? I think not!
They have Weapons!
Sure you've seen them with shovels & pick axes, and those were scary enough...but now they have access to tiny guns! After years in the socks & underpants trade they have gone total mafia. It seems worse in better neighborhoods with more expensive underpants. It's just so sad that they have turn to crime like this.
Be careful when killing them!
You can't just kill a gnome & bury it's filthy little body...or it will come back a mutated flesh eating zombie! Been there, done that almost lost a leg. To properly kill a gnome you must whack it in the head, tie it up, duct tape the ropes, put it in a tiny shark cage...don't go cheap with a dog cage...those won't hold! Then you need to find a bridge at least 100 high & throw it off. Or you could bury them in the yard & the kids will lose limbs...totally up to you.
Proof they are Evil!
Combat the Evil!
Gnome Bearers Sugar Post Gnome Be Gone
Do you get tired of seeing those gnomes in everyone's garden? Well then this is the garden ornament for you. These paired up Gnome Be Gones bring their gnome with them that they'll carry away for you. This is truly a garden delight that will make you smile. Each piece is individually hand made and some variations may result. Measures 14"L x 7"W x 17"T, includes the detachable gnome.
They Stalk You!
Protect your Yard with Gnome Traps!
Recreate those old-fashioned bear traps with the Gnome Trap! With two rings of spikes opened wide, a small "trip lever" and a miniature watering can as "bait", this gnome trap is just waiting to snap up one of those creepy gnomes.The trap measures: 2"T x 15 1/2"W, the Watering Can measures: 3 1/2"T x 3 3/4"W, and the Gnome measures: 12 1/4"T x 4 3/4"W.
Watch Your Back!
Secrets of the Gnomes
An account of the life and work of gnomes, based on first-hand observations by the author and artist, who, themselves turned into gnomes, visited with gnomes in Lapland and Siberia. It's good to know your enemy.
Lock Your Doors!
Clearly they have no respect for our culture!
Those sick, sick gnomes have yet again proven they are just not fit to be in public. Look at this guy waving his gross little hiney out there for the entire world to see. Ugh, Bunch of sicko's.
They have no shame....
This little weirdo is sporting a mankini...like anyone wants to see that! They are shameless little beings that don't deserve to live in our yards...or communities! Act now to ban "their kind" from out neighborhoods & lawns!
You don't even want to know what they are doing when it's really hot out...*Shudders*
They Violate Our Lawns!
Is that gnome doing...is he...He IS! I had always blamed the neighbors dogs but look there's proof it's just more filthy gnomes destroying our property with their tiny gnome poops. What's next gnome brothels?
Missing a cat? - Now you know why!
They run a thriving sex trade...
As if the mooners, strippers & flasher weren't enough they also have a active prostitution ring. The pimps are bold & shouldn't be messed with...they are easy to spot though. They often look like Huggy Bear...plus the pimp cane, hat & suit give it away.
Stay clear of these guys...you don't even want to know what they are having the ladies do in your shed...oh & lock up your shed.
Here's one at a police line up....
Clearly even after being arrested this gnome is still out for blood. What a sick little freak this guy is, he's clearly hopped up on the crack! His name is Gned the Blue Gnombie...I assume that is some kind of gang affiliation.
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack
By now you are wondering what you could do you protect your family from the evilness that lurks on the lawn. Your in luck, because there is a survival guide with step by step directions and universal precautions you can take to secure your home. The danger is real & if you don't act now you whole family could be slaughtered! SLAUGHTERED! Can you live with that kind of guilt? You might want to get a few extra copies for your friends...you don't want them to die either!
Avoid this one for sure!
Gargoyles Are on Our Side!
Thankfully we do have a few allies in the war on gnome-kind. Gargoyles, yes that's right Gargoyles. They hate gnomes more than we do! I'm not sure what they do with them all but I think it's best to not ask too many questions.
Garden Gnomes Are Evil & Scary!