ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Garden Gnomes Are Evil!

Updated on September 17, 2014

They Should be Banned!

Garden Gnomes The bane of home owners associations everywhere...I personally hate gnomes & usually the entire yard decor they are plopped in. They seem to be just like potato chips you can't just have one. No sir, you have to have at least 20 of these ill painted creatures with stupid pointy hats.They sit there day after day taunting the neighbors with the pristine lawns & manicured bushes. Soon the neighbors don't mind them, then after a while they think they're cute, then BAM! Before you know it they have infiltrated every lawn in the neighborhood. It's a epidemic!But they are evil...they do creepy things at night and while your back is turned. Creepy things!

Zombie Pink Flamingo Garden Gnome!!-
Zombie Pink Flamingo Garden Gnome!!-

They Kill Flamingos!

That's right those filthy little monsters are out all night murdering sweet innocent lawn flamingos. What did flamingos ever do you ask? They were born. These blood thirsty gnomes will stop at nothing.

Read more about this here.

BigMouth Inc The Butcher Garden Gnome
BigMouth Inc The Butcher Garden Gnome

The crazed look in his eyes says it all. Flamingos never hurt anyone, they are innocent!

 

They can kill you with laser beams...

That gnome may look all cute & charming but he's waiting to kill you with laser beam eyes! Then he'll steal your socks & underpants...don't turn your back on a gnome.Spread the word...they have the whole planet fooled into thinking spontaneous combustion exists, when it's been the evil gnomes this whole time.

They are Total Perverts!

That's right, they are complete perverts that shouldn't be out in public much less on your lawn! Do you know what they do when you aren't looking? They flash the dog...how sick is that?! As if dog don't have enough stuff to deal with they now have to see gnome goodies every time they go outside...Frankly it's the main reason for problems with house breaking. The dogs want to go out, but they just can't handle the gnome abuse.


The women are worse!

As if the evil gnome men flashing wasn't enough you have these sick chubby strippers too. All those years you thought the raccoons were messing up your tomato stakes...turns out it was chubby stripper gnomes!

They are just sick little minions I tell you, and not the cute kind from Despicable Me either! Do you really want this kind of low class hussy in your very own yard? I think not!

Yikes!

They have Weapons!

Sure you've seen them with shovels & pick axes, and those were scary enough...but now they have access to tiny guns! After years in the socks & underpants trade they have gone total mafia. It seems worse in better neighborhoods with more expensive underpants. It's just so sad that they have turn to crime like this.

Be careful when killing them!

You can't just kill a gnome & bury it's filthy little body...or it will come back a mutated flesh eating zombie! Been there, done that almost lost a leg. To properly kill a gnome you must whack it in the head, tie it up, duct tape the ropes, put it in a tiny shark cage...don't go cheap with a dog cage...those won't hold! Then you need to find a bridge at least 100 high & throw it off. Or you could bury them in the yard & the kids will lose limbs...totally up to you.

See more on this here!

Proof they are Evil!

Proof they are Evil!
Proof they are Evil!

Combat the Evil!

Gnome Bearers Sugar Post Gnome Be Gone


Do you get tired of seeing those gnomes in everyone's garden? Well then this is the garden ornament for you. These paired up Gnome Be Gones bring their gnome with them that they'll carry away for you. This is truly a garden delight that will make you smile. Each piece is individually hand made and some variations may result. Measures 14"L x 7"W x 17"T, includes the detachable gnome.

They Stalk You!

Protect your Yard with Gnome Traps!

Gnome Traps

Recreate those old-fashioned bear traps with the Gnome Trap! With two rings of spikes opened wide, a small "trip lever" and a miniature watering can as "bait", this gnome trap is just waiting to snap up one of those creepy gnomes.The trap measures: 2"T x 15 1/2"W, the Watering Can measures: 3 1/2"T x 3 3/4"W, and the Gnome measures: 12 1/4"T x 4 3/4"W.

Watch Your Back!

Secrets of the Gnomes

An account of the life and work of gnomes, based on first-hand observations by the author and artist, who, themselves turned into gnomes, visited with gnomes in Lapland and Siberia. It's good to know your enemy.

Lock Your Doors!

Clearly they have no respect for our culture!

Those sick, sick gnomes have yet again proven they are just not fit to be in public. Look at this guy waving his gross little hiney out there for the entire world to see. Ugh, Bunch of sicko's.

They have no shame....

This little weirdo is sporting a mankini...like anyone wants to see that! They are shameless little beings that don't deserve to live in our yards...or communities! Act now to ban "their kind" from out neighborhoods & lawns!

You don't even want to know what they are doing when it's really hot out...*Shudders*

They Violate Our Lawns!

Is that gnome doing...is he...He IS! I had always blamed the neighbors dogs but look there's proof it's just more filthy gnomes destroying our property with their tiny gnome poops. What's next gnome brothels?

Missing a cat? - Now you know why!

They run a thriving sex trade...

As if the mooners, strippers & flasher weren't enough they also have a active prostitution ring. The pimps are bold & shouldn't be messed with...they are easy to spot though. They often look like Huggy Bear...plus the pimp cane, hat & suit give it away.

Stay clear of these guys...you don't even want to know what they are having the ladies do in your shed...oh & lock up your shed.

Here's one at a police line up....

Clearly even after being arrested this gnome is still out for blood. What a sick little freak this guy is, he's clearly hopped up on the crack! His name is Gned the Blue Gnombie...I assume that is some kind of gang affiliation.

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

By now you are wondering what you could do you protect your family from the evilness that lurks on the lawn. Your in luck, because there is a survival guide with step by step directions and universal precautions you can take to secure your home. The danger is real & if you don't act now you whole family could be slaughtered! SLAUGHTERED! Can you live with that kind of guilt? You might want to get a few extra copies for your friends...you don't want them to die either!

Avoid this one for sure!

Gargoyles Are on Our Side!

Thankfully we do have a few allies in the war on gnome-kind. Gargoyles, yes that's right Gargoyles. They hate gnomes more than we do! I'm not sure what they do with them all but I think it's best to not ask too many questions.

Your Turn!

Garden Gnomes Are Evil & Scary!

Yes, you're right!

Yes, you're right!

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • anonymous 5 years ago

      gnomes are evil!!! i have one at my school and he is on stilts in a human suit and he is trying to take over the school and then the world!!! He uses his lantern to try and seduce girls to kill them or poison them, he is trying to get one of my friends the evil b***ard!!!!!!

    • anonymous 6 years ago

      OMG! The Garden gnome zombies are comming!http://www.break.com/pictures/rob-zombie-remakes-d...

    • anonymous 6 years ago

      Garden gnomes are psychotic little evil bengs of death and pain!

    • julieannbrady 6 years ago

      Well, I never really thought too much about garden gnomes one way or another ... that is, until the garden gnome of travelocity "messed" with our return flights home from our Greece vacation ... evil.

    • anonymous 6 years ago

      They're one of the creepiest things in the world.

    • lyuben88 6 years ago

      Despite the fact that the garden gnomes are used for decoration, I have to say that they look kind of creepy :)

    • Roberex 6 years ago

      My neighbor Steve has one on his front porch. So far, he hasn't done any damage, although Steve defied the homeowners association who wanted it removed... Hmmm, maybe Steve's mind and will have been taken over by the gnome....post your gnome opinion at http://eves-garden-site.com/blog

    • anonymous 6 years ago

      i hate gnomes one just stole my pudding that little basterd

    • anonymous 7 years ago

      yes they are!!!!!!!

    • HorseAndPony LM 7 years ago

      Yes, Garden Gnomes are Evil & Scary! :) However, I wouldn't look poorly upon a single sports themed gnome even though I would never put one in my own garden.

    • anonymous 7 years ago

      Oh you think the Garden variety is evil--wait until you meet the arm stealing variety. Terrifying.

    • Oosquid 7 years ago

      No doubt about it - Gnomes are naff!.

    • MacPharlain 7 years ago

      I don't know about evil...but that Travelocity gnome is sure annoying...can't stand those commercials.

    • curious0927 7 years ago

      I agree, a bit spooky!! I don't put them in my yard, but always look at the Yard's of the one's who do!! Just Have to Look I Guess!!

    No way, Monkeybrain!

      0 of 8192 characters used
      Post Comment

      • anonymous 4 years ago

        well then! who cares if they are supposedly evil!!! you are hust prejudice because they look like santa... or a creepy old guy! ahh who cares! whatever i pet my gnomes hat everyday and my nectarine sproutling is stillll growing so ha! ok then i have one holding onto a mushroom with a thumbs up! hahaha soooo cute! and no... i am not some lonely freek that doesnt have a life, i have friends and other people. gnome haters are just to image oriented because they cant admit that a innocent probably not living piece of stone is funny and cool!!!!=}}}}} hehehehe wow i just went all out there!! ok and also you arent a monkeybrain because monkeys went to space, they are smart, and they probably would have a field day with a gnome. ok and i know that humans sent monkeys to space but still.

      • anonymous 6 years ago

        I am writing a history of the gnome because Gnomes deserve to be honoured in this way. A much meligned personage is the Gnome.I intend for all Gnome haters to change their minds.

      • anonymous 6 years ago

        they are not evil yall are just wooses

      • Rhonda Albom 6 years ago from New Zealand

        Sorry, I love gnomes

      • anonymous 6 years ago

        Why don't you people get a life, gnomes add a little humor to life, something some of you people have little of

      • kab 6 years ago from Upstate, NY

        Not evil and scary, evil and sweet!

      • anonymous 7 years ago

        you are WRONG about gardin gnomes! i once knew this gnome named gerome the christmas gnome and he always kept me company. then he died...

      • anonymous 7 years ago

        we need gnomes to protect our gardens from black magic!

      • anonymous 7 years ago

        gnomes are the coolest garden accent ever. anyone who thinks otherwise has obviously been brainwashed by the yard flamingos! gnomes rock!

      • anonymous 7 years ago

        WTF??? gnomes are awesome, and are twice the man you'll ever be!!! they rule!...jerk!!!

      • anonymous 7 years ago

        LOl, you have lost your mind! GNOMES WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!!!

      How they really feel!

      Do the Gnomes invade your dreams?

        0 of 8192 characters used
        Post Comment

        • Erin Mellor profile image

          Erin Mellor 3 years ago from Europe

          I knew there was something sinister about them, sitting there, pretending to bed fishing whilst they are really dreaming up evil plans.

        • esmonaco profile image

          Eugene Samuel Monaco 3 years ago from Lakewood New York

          I jus loved readin this! Thanks you so much :)

        • LiteraryMind profile image

          Ellen Gregory 3 years ago from Connecticut, USA

          They didn't invade my dreams until seeing this. Now, I'm not so sure. I'll see tonight. I must say this was a great laugh. As just a side note: Martha Stewart's former husband was instrumental in bringing The Secrets of the Gnomes to publication.

        • LSJ-88 profile image

          LSJ-88 3 years ago

          I really want one of those combat Garden Gnomes for our front yard (just to aggravate our HOA) but my husband says no....Cute lens.

        • Virginia Allain profile image

          Virginia Allain 3 years ago from Central Florida

          Some aren't so bad. I have a number of lenses about gnomes who are fairly harmless and one lens about the naughty gnomes too.

        • shellys-space profile image

          Shelly Sellers 3 years ago from Midwest U.S.A.

          Love the "squatting" Gnome figure!

        • Elsie Hagley profile image

          Elsie Hagley 3 years ago from New Zealand

          No they done invade my dreams, because I have never seen any like these around were i live.But you made my smile, Thanks.

        • jennabee25 profile image

          Jenn Dixon 3 years ago from PA

          I love this!

        • paulahite profile image

          Paula Hite 3 years ago from Virginia

          Fun lens! Its on our Facebook page today!! :D

        • Nancy Hardin profile image

          Nancy Carol Brown Hardin 3 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

          Nah, but my daughter says they are. She will not have them in her yard. If she finds one, she uproots it and has it picked up by the trashmen. I suspect they slip back in the night and wake the dog so it will bark and wake my daughter.

        • profile image

          GrammieOlivia 3 years ago

          Nah, not really!

        Click to Rate This Article