Join The Tattoo Your Toilet Wars!
Upscale Your John with Tattoos
People and dogs aren't the only ones to get tattooed. Tattoo your toilet to suit the occasion. No more dull boring toilets. You can contemplate the world in style while you sit. Everyone who goes down the hall to visit your convenience will want their own. You can start your own Tattoo Your Toilet wars! Be the first in your block to upscale your john and be one up on the neighbors!
You can even change them up to suit your mood or the seasons. You can have a new look every week!
I Wonder If They Had Flies Back Then?
In ancient times people did their business through a hole in the stone. I wonder if that old saying Sitting On A Marble Toilet Seat or Freezing Your Butt Off came from those ancient times. We're actually much better off these days. Some people even have heated toilet seats so your buns don't get cold.
I seem to recall that we used to put ashes from the wood stove in the outhouse to kill the smell and discourage the flies, especially in the summer.
Sprucing UpThe Old Can
One of the most neglected but necessary appliances in the home is the toilet. If you have been neglecting yours lately, introduce it to the latest craze...tattooing. After all, it is one of the most popular fashion statements. Have a stylin' john and pimp out your bathroom with a tattooed seat.
Save A Forest, Use A Bidet
Wow, if we only knew back then and bought shares in the toilet paper industry, we'd probably be very well off indeed. But for those people interested in saving a forest, you can use a bidet to clean your behind.
What the heck is a bidet, you ask? The French actually invented it and they have come a long way from those early days. Initially it was a bowl that you squat over an dipped you botty into the water to clean it after you did your business.
Some bright inventor added running water, but it was cold and was quite a shock for the old posterior especially as you still had to straddle it or squat over it. The Americans improved the design in the mid 1900's so you could actually sit on it and shipped it overseas. It didn't seem to be an American thing to do. So the bidet became the cleaning device for your other end that you sat on while you bathed your nether parts. Heavens, you didn't even need to touch yourself.
The earliest bidets used a hand pump to spray your behind and it was kept in the bedroom beside the chamber pot that you apparently flung its contents out the window when you were done.
Now the modern bidet sits next to the toilet in the bathroom. These days they have hot and cold running water and you use it instead of the good old bathroom stationary. You can save a tree or two by using a bidet.
Now you can even buy a bidet/toilet combination so it doesn't take up that extra room. Along with the hot and cold running water you can really be stylin' by having a heated seat, automatic controls, a dryer that will blow you dry, sensors and even a deodorizer. Retractable cleaning jets, yup, no problem.
They're still a mainly Asian and European thing, getting your behind washed never seem to have caught on in North America.
Americans seem to shower more than most cultures so you would think that a bidet would fit right in. Besides since some brands of bathroom stationary come with their own slivers and can be quite irritating to those tender parts, the bidet would seem to be a logical choice. If you think about it, toilet paper doesn't seem to be a very sanitary way of cleaning yourself and can leave residue that can cause a variety of unhealthy conditions. Ask any mom with boys if she enjoys doing the laundry, trying to clean the skid marks off their underwear.
Men seem to think it's a sissy way to clean your butt but from a cleanliness perspective the bidet is much healthier than just wiping yourself with tissue. You wouldn't do that with your dishes or clean yourself instead of showering so maybe it's time to take a new approach.
Hey Charlie, pull up the magazine rack, we're going to have a bidet experience! Do you want a blow dry with that?
Sweet Revenge! Get George Bush To Clean Your Toilet!
Now that you've got your pimped out toilet tattoo, you need to keep your great looking toilet extra clean because everyone is going to come and check it out. Hey, George Bush is willing to help you out. He can even hang out beside your john ready and waiting to give you a hand.
Hey! if you don't like George, how about Hilary?
I know, some people don't like guys touching their toilet. They probably don't clean it up to your standards anyway, so how about Hilary? She can hang out too.
George Bush Memorialized
If you like Georgie scrubbing your toilet maybe you would like the matching toilet paper. Each sheet has your favorite quotes from the genius himself. You can remember all those priceless gems that tumbled out of his mouth at just the right moment. Keep your friends entertained with educational historical quotes from 'the Man'.
Who Needs A Tap When You've Got A Toilet?
I remember one year when I was a teenager, our family went on a road trip for a week. We took our dog with us. It was too wet to camp so we stayed in a motel. Everywhere we went, none of them were pet friendly so at about 10:30 at night my dad got the idea, we wouldn't tell anyone that we had a dog.
So the next motel we came to, he went in an got us a room. We herded the dog up the back stairs and into the room without anyone seeing us. Everyone got settled for the night and we turned out the lights. Within a few minutes, the dog was in the bathroom gulping water out of the toilet. The people in the next room started pounding on the wall and the dog started to bark at them.
We desperately tried to shush up the dog without making too much noise. Eventually everyone fell asleep including the dog until about 1 am when the people in the next room started making whoopie and the dog started to bark again. This time there was no shutting him up until they finished what they were doing. The squeaking drove the dog crazy but as you know when you are doing certain things, there comes a point of no return when you just have to keep going.
Like Dog, LIke Kid?
Kids do the darnedest things. If you can't reach the tap, what's a kid to do but get what's handy. After all when you're thirsty, you gotta deal with it.
Speaking Of Flies...
I remember those old outhouse days on the farm. My mother used to get really annoyed with the flies so one day she got this bright idea that we should put fly paper up in the ceiling of the outhouse. If you've ever seen flypaper you will recall it pull out of a paper tube like a streamer. It ends up about a foot long and it is covered with this disgusting brown goo. It is so sticky that if you get it on your fingers you have to get of off with some sort of solvent.
Well the day came when it went up in the john, stuck in one of the beams with a thumbtack of all things. Being a kid in those days, it was not wise to say what a stupid idea that was. Anyway, my mother had just dropped her drawers and sat down one day when the fly paper covered with wiggling flied unceremoniously fell and landed right on top of her head in a brown gooey pile.
She came storming into the house and shouted at all of us "Don't You Even Think About Saying Anything!" We laughed hysterically for hours, even when she came back from the hairdressers. That was a stellar moment, one we won't ever forget.
When The Economy Tanks Start A War!
It suddenly dawned on me that history has repeated itself over and over again by starting a war every time the economy of a certain country needs a boost. So I've decided to save them because their economy is slipping shall we say. I'm starting the "Join The Tattoo Your Toilet Wars. We need to get a grass-roots campaign going so that everyone gets involved. There is a lot at stake here and in order to be patriotic and save our country, we need to get with it. Support your local communities and spread the word so that everyone can send in stories, pictures and comments. Let's get this war happening. Challenge your neighbors to have a tatooed toilet too. Have neighborhood competitions, give prizes and hoot at those who have dull, boring johns. Together we can save the world!
Be Sure To Camouflage Yourself!
I expect since you are contemplating joining our Tattoo Your Toilet Wars you had better camouflage yourself. If you want to save your butt, you'd better camouflage it too. It is apparently a necessary part of your anatomy you can't do without. If you've never been in a war before there are certain things you have to do and I'll help you as much as I can. After all, we're a team.
Obama Said He Would Save Your Butt!
Like all campaign promises we take them with a grain of salt. But I have to say, my confidence in government officials has been restored. I like people who keep their promises and show up. Not only has he shown up to save your butt, he's here to wipe it too!
From The Tattoo Your Toilet War Room
At A Secret Location
To be successful in any war you have to plan and strategize. There are a lot of people coming and going from my house as we plot this campaign. I have to make sure I don't run out of the one thing that could lose us the Tattoo Your Toilet War, so I have enclosed a picture that will say it all. We don't want to lose before we even get started. I'm even thinking of having a special tattoo for those secret agents and spies we have out in the field. They can put it in the outhouse to brighten things up a bit. Things seem to get a bit austere during a war, but we're going to change all that. I'll keep you posted.
Tattoos Are The Height Of Fashion
Tattoos have become very popular in recent years. A lot of people have tattoos as a fashion accessory. Some folks however aren't sure that they want something permanently etched on their body, so I'm proposing that they tattoo their toilet instead. It will nicely decorate your throne room and provide a nice touch to your decor. Everyone will want one as it will raise the much maligned toilet to new heights. It will no long have that 'dirty' look to it. And you can change it any time you want. If you want to keep up to the Joneses you need to get with the program and Join The Tattoo Your Toilet Wars!
If Duct Take Can't Fix It, It's Broken
I get really excited when things have a dual purpose and since we need to stock up and conserve as much as we can, especially during the Tattoo Your Toilet Wars, I'm glad someone invented Duct Tape Toilet Paper. That way we can fix evertyhing with it. Red Green is my hero. He was the king of fix-it. He used duct tape for everything.
Red Green My Hero
Red Green will be over the moon when he sees the duct tape toilet paper. He would use it for all kinds of things as you can see from this movie clip....
Confusing The Opposition
To Keep Them On Their Toes
The Tattoo Your Toilet Wars bunch thought it would be great fun to see if everyone was on their toes because you need to be smarter than everyone else during a war. We wanted to see if we could trick anyone with the toilet signs so it would give us a clue to what we might be up against. Spying is important so you can plan your strategy. After all, if we are going to get this Tattoo Your Toilet War won, we need to get toilet tattoos on every toilet.
See how smart you are. See if you would be fooled by these clever toilet signs.
Spies In The Midst
My grandfather was in one of the wars and I remember him talking about spies. So as we're getting the Tattoo Your Toilet Wars underway, I have to be careful of spies. I'm getting ready to thwart all comers and protect our headquarters. I've got a great supply too. You can see how we will be protecting our battle secrets. I plan to outfox all those nosy parkers and keep our HQ safe.
Pimp Out Your Toilet With These Stylin' Tattoos
From chic to contemporary to seasonal, it's all here! Instead of tattooing your butt, tattoo where you put your butt!
I'm sure you've got some great ideas that you would love to share with the world. Join the Tattoo Your Toilet Wars!