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Airport Restrooms Will Never Be The Same Again, Thanks Senator Craig

Updated on October 10, 2007

Let's Face It, Airport Restrooms Will Never Be The Same, Thank You Senator Craig - Don't Get Me Started!

After getting through security and making my way past the parents with screaming children, adults with manners that would make Miss Manners puke as they screamed into their cell phone (full up of their own importance) and the general hustle and bustle that accompanies airports, I arrived in my gate area and entered a restroom (out of need, not a vanity check or God only knows what else your mind is dreaming up). As I entered the stall (and tried to keep everything from touching the ground, the walls of the stalls or anything else with expertise that could have gotten me a role in a Cirque du Soleil show) all I could think was, "Let's face it, airport restrooms will never be the same, thank you Senator Craig" - Don't Get Me Started!

The thing is that he's ruined it for all of us. The gays, the straights, the straights who act like gays in restrooms and everyone else. As shocking as this may be to my ardent readers, I've never had sex in a restroom. What's more, the whole idea of it doesn't get me "hot" in the least. So the whole idea of anyone, let alone a senator or George Michael, trolling public restrooms is an idea I get (I guess) but don't get all at the same time.

The thing is that it's almost a paranoia that sinks in now as you enter the airport restroom. You see men looking this way and that then quickly entering like it's an adult bookstore or something. Once in the stall you can't help but think to yourself about the foot tapping, hand gesture and all the rest of the "signals" that Craig allegedly did in that now infamous restroom (that by the way has supposedly become quite the attraction - people are apparently visiting it like the Grand Canyon - why yes, I know exactly what I just wrote and you read). Now I used to teach tap dancing...and I just couldn't help but wonder, what if I tapped my foot, what would happen? It's a little like someone telling you not to push the big red button. The thought of doing it is almost maddening. Not because I wanted sex but because you just have to wonder who these people are that become Gregory Hines on a toilet in a public restroom, don'tcha? But fear not, I was able to get through the restroom experience with my dignity in tact. (After all, I'm a nice Jewish boy, what did you think was going to happen, huh?)

With the news that Senator Craig is holding onto his position as senator almost as tightly as I'm figuring he's grabbed the top of a stall wall in ecstasy more than once, you just have to wonder what in God's name he's thinking trying to stay in office. Never mind the people who are letting him stay in office. Meanwhile, the masseuse/male prostitute to the supposed-straight Republicans Mike Jones is apparently making claims that he's "been of service" to the senator too. Now I'm not one of the gays who felt badly for Mike Jones one bit during the Ted Haggard scandal or after and anyone who doesn't think this new allegation from him isn't perfectly timed to coincide with his blow all book about the people he's blown to help sales, your crazy. I don't not like Mike Jones I feel that he provides a service and gets paid for it and good for him. I think Americans are all way too uptight when it comes to sex anyway. No wonder everyone's sneaking around in restrooms. We like feeling naughty and with all the hype that sex is bad, once again we'd go mad if we didn't touch the red button. But I don't think Mike Jones is a martyr nor should he be pitied because he's been so exposed in the media. Like everyone else that finds themselves in the spotlight for some unseemly incident (or two, or seven) he's getting paid and receiving the attention he obviously needs. And yes...good for him.

The thing is that I'm not saying this is all that anyone has on their mind when they enter an airport restroom but I can almost guarantee you that the next time you find yourself in an airport having to use "the facilities" you're going to think about it. What's more you'll probably tap your foot at least one (and some of us not even for sex but to see what the whole deal is all about). So tap away like MGM movie musical star, Ann Miller. But let's face it, airport restrooms will never be the same, thank you Senator Craig - Don't Get Me Started!

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      Paulie 10 years ago

      One of the latest jokes I heard was from the comedian, D.L. Hughley, that he would never listen to his IPOD in the men's room ever again, lest he tap his foot to the rhythm and find himself arrested.