ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

And I Say To Myself, It's A Smellyful World

Updated on August 2, 2007

And I Say To Myself, "It's A Smellyful World" - Don't Get Me Started!

Long have I been one of those people who shower every day and has a mint in his mouth to ensure the freshest breath and person possible at all times. I pride myself on my freshness so I get why people put cologne and perfume on. What I do NOT understand are all the people who apparently shower with a gel that has a scent, then use a moisturizer with another scent and finally top their smelltastic selves off with so much perfume or cologne that even getting within a five mile radius of them and you're crying like you're cutting onions. And I say to myself, "It's a smellyful world" - Don't Get Me Started!

Ben Gay is at my gym and he smells awful. It started months ago maybe even a year ago now that on most mornings this older larger black man would get on the elliptical machines about the same time that I would. At first I wasn't sure what the smell was or where it was coming from but slowly and surely I was able to determine that this guy must absolutely slather himself down with Ben Gay (not the unscented variety). Add to it that he is doing physical exertion, making him sweat and you get a cloud of Ben Gay that would make PigPen from the Peanuts strip proud. He's like an invisible nuclear blast mushroom cloud. I've tried to move as far down the line when he's all ready on the machines to try and avoid it but it doesn't help and more often than not, he gets on the machines after I'm already on, choosing one close to me so there's no avoiding him or his smell. Now I was a dancer for years (get your minds out of the gutter - I know I live in Vegas now but I didn't always and if you think for one second my body is up to being what we call an "exotic" dancer then you need to get out more often). Now dancers always used this stuff called Tiger Balm for joint or muscle pain that was so damn smelly it could kill anyone within a six block radius but this whole Ben Gay stuff is so strong that it should be called Ben Straight cause it doesn't smell pretty enough to be gay.

Speaking of gays, while one would think that teenage boys are the biggest offenders of too much cologne (thanks to Axe and the many imitation sprays that they are marketing to guys now) the gays are worse. In fact I was behind a gay last night - in a store, come on people, elevate the mind for a few minutes - it won't kill you (may hurt a little but not kill you). I didn't need gaydar to tell me this guy was gay and you won't either after I describe him to you. He was about 5'9" (no, that's not what made him gay), had on madras plaid shorts with a short sleeved polo shirt, collar turned up. True, while this doesn't make him gay it doesn't hurt but the following seals the deal (as we say)...his hair was only highlighted in front on his bangs which had been blown dried perfectly to create a bang in front that I've only ever seen on Joan Crawford in Mildred Pierce or one of the Andrews Sisters. You know, it sort of comes away from the head and floops down with the ends barely touching the forehead. But what pushed it over the edge completely was that he had so much cologne on that literally, you could smell him one aisle over. It was the scent that got me first and I suppose that's the desired effect but he smelled like someone had accidentally doused him with six bottles of Drakkar (a heavy cologne from the late 80's that should just be banned at this point). God help him if anyone lit a match in his general vicinity because between the cologne and the hairspray, he'd go up like a firework on the fourth of July! Of course my favorite thing was that he was thinking he was oh so hot and kept looking back at me as if I was following him for a "hubba hubba" time. So wrong, I almost wanted to tell him that I was desperately trying to get away from him and his smell.

Here's the deal, we all like to smell nice but come on people, if the rats are coming out of the sewer to see where the smell is coming from, you are wearing way too much perfume or cologne. Some of the absolute worst are the women who are into all that Patchouli natural crap. Yes, you smell like you ate some tree bark and took a crap and because that stuff is usually an oil it goes right into your system and you suddenly become one of those plug in things from Glade, spraying your scent every time you get heated up a little. Worst of the worst are the things like Rose Water. I know that we all thought it didn't exist anymore but it does and I defy you to sit next to a woman wearing this shit and not end up breaking out in hives!

The thing is that moderation here would seem to be the key. I get that smell is a very subjective sense. (Those of us who like the smell of gasoline can attest to that, right?) So please, when you're spraying, dabbing or rolling that perfume or cologne on do something for mankind and think of others that may not want to share your stinkitude. And I say to myself, "It's a smellyful world" - Don't Get Me Started!

Read More Scott @


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Isabella Snow profile image

      Isabella Snow 10 years ago

      I used to work with a woman who wore some hideous perfume, and she smelled like she reapplied it evey 5 minutes. People used to hold their breath just walking by her. Awful!

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Which just goes to show...Oompah Loompahs are smelly!! :)

    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 10 years ago from San Francisco

      You mentioned that cologne stench often comes with bleached/frosted hair, but you forgot another correlation: bright orange skin. When I see that, I know I'll eventually smell it!