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Anna Nicole Was Not Marilyn Monroe

Updated on February 12, 2007

Four Dads And Anna Nicole's Baby

I was as saddened and shocked as everyone else last week to learn that Anna Nicole had died because God knows, I love me some crazy and she was working crazy overtime, all the time. I also knew that it wouldn't be long before all the talk shows and media would piss me off. I don't care about the whole four possible fathers for her newborn child (I'm sure Fox is pitching the series, Four Men and Anna Nicole's Baby where we see her grown up on TV with shared custody by the three men alive and the dead one talking to her through video clips); what made me crazy was how many people on television were using a comparison that is completely inaccurate. Anna Nicole was not Marilyn Monroe - Don't Get Me Started!

How was Anna not like Marilyn? Let me count the ways. First of all, Marilyn Monroe ended up as a movie star while Anna Nicole ended up a spokeswoman for Trimspa. Do you get the difference? I don't care that they both posed for Playboy or that they were blonde and probably dumb as a brick at least in Marilyn's case she had the sense to surround herself with smart people, husbands and for all we know, was as dumb as a fox whereas Anna Nicole (God love her) was just dumb. For the record, Madonna is Madonna, Anna Nicole is Anna Nicole and there was only one and will be only one Marilyn Monroe.

Meanwhile all the "outrage" by Anna's supposed "inner circle" is hysterical. It's like a bad movie from the 80's where everyone remotely related to her is willing to talk for a few dollars and a chance to see the will behind curtain number one. Her sister (who hasn't spoken to Anna in ten years) has a book coming out about Anna even though in every interview she has given she hasn't been able to get out a complete sentence. Gee, I wonder if there was a ghost writer on this book? Hmmm. And now all her sister wants is to see and get her hands on Anna Nicole's baby claiming, "the baby should be with her family." Could it be that Anna's baby is the only heir to her and her dead billionaire's money now so her sister is suddenly interested? I mean come on, they didn't even speak when Anna Nicole's son died but now she wants a Dr. Phil moment? Anna's mother has been on television too with little to say except that she thinks it was the drugs. Meanwhile, with all the reported abuse Anna Nicole had growing up would this be a fit environment for the child? No, better to sell the child to television now.

One of the slimiest slimes, claiming to be the father to Anna's child, Howard K. Stern (we Jews do not want him as part of our tribe, even though he is a lawyer) was apparently paid a fortune to go on Entertainment Tonight in an exclusive interview that will play during television's famed "sweeps" week. He's gross and always has been but just how will Mary Hart wash her hands clean on this one? Everyone at Entertainment Tonight should hang their heads in shame for this one along with paying any money to Stern.

In the saddest turn of events, it's Zsa Zsa Gabor that I feel bad for the most in this whole situation. Here she is probably lying in bed barely alive with one of her sister's wigs on askew and she has to learn that Mr. Prince Zsa Zsa was banging Anna Nicole too and could be the possible father of her child?

I get why the media is all over this one but I'm already bored. I say, let them all go on Maury and have him say (in his over-rehearsed voice), "You are NOT the father" and let's move on.

Meanwhile I'm sure her daughter will end up growing up with all the money that Anna tried so hard to accumulate and most likely will end up with her own reality show, "Anna Nicole Was My Momma" but everyone needs to remember that while Anna Nicole did a really good job of entertaining us during her life through her exploits maybe just maybe we had better all stop and take a look at our own voyeur obsession of wanting to watch Celebrities Gone Wild. If a celebrity goes crazy and there's no reality television to record it, does it make a noise?

And in the end analysis, Anna Nicole doesn't need to be compared to anyone else because she brought her own brand of crazy to our lives. But if you need yet another reason why Anna is not Marilyn, you don't have to look much further than the bedroom. Marilyn banged baseball legends, award-winning authors and presidents while Anna's roster is lawyers, photographers and rednecks, oh my. Anna Nicole was not Marilyn Monroe - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Kathy, you're completely right. Kimmie should have been in my hub and no doubt her balls are bigger than any of the perspective fathers so it could very well be that she is indeed the father.

    • profile image

      Kathy 10 years ago

      One of the most perceptive and funny takes on the entire Anna Nicole saga. Yes, she surrounded herself, unfortunately, with some of the most detestable (HK Stern) and idiotic (pretty much her entire family) people. I can't believe you left out Kimmie, though... and I can't believe Kimmie is not another potential father.