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Another Gay Becomes An Ex-Gay And They Can Have Him

Updated on July 3, 2007

The Ex-Gays Get Another One And They Can Have Him, We Don't Want Him - Don't Get Me Started!

So it seems that Michael Glatze who was once the editor for the Young Gay America publication has come out as an ex-gay who has seen the light of Jesus and is hanging up his triangle. He was a role model who had won "endless praise and a number of awards, including Equality Forum's National Role Model Award" according to . But today, he's a straight man. What a difference a day makes, I suppose. The ex-gays get another one and they can have him, we don't want him - Don't Get Me Started!

Apparently it all began for Mr. Glatze when he "developed a growing relationship with God, thanks to a debilitating bout with intestinal cramps caused by the upset stomach-inducing behaviors I'd been engaged in." Dare I question exactly what type of intestinal cramp behavior he was engaged in? I'd like to say that maybe it was too many sit-ups or diuretics or perhaps it was that old baby hamster story that everyone tells about Richard Gere and/or reporter Jerry Penacoli but let me say that Jesus has yet to give me intestinal cramps, it was always something I ate...not someone.

I guess it's just another case of us Jews going to hell anyway so we don't need to worry about this whole thing. I plan on getting to hell first; decorating in my style and in my color palette so that when all my friends get there they'll be stuck with my design taste for all of eternity (truly hell for some). And I have to say that I'm glad that Mr. Glatze won't be there. As far as I'm concerned, Jesus is going to have his hands full in this heaven place with all these holier than thou people. They're going to be overflowing and I'm sure that Jesus has all ready started a set of condos just outside heaven for all these types so that it can be like annoying relatives who live far enough away that you only have to see them on holidays. I can here the call between say Jesus and Jerry Falwell now...

Jesus: Hey Jerry, how are you?

Jerry: Great, heaven is swell and as luck would have it, I'm going to be in your neighborhood today, can I stop by?

Jesus:, no can really caught me on a bad day. I've got a million errands, you know that Oprah is practically a prayer machine, I have to get over and see Angelina's new baby and it's my father's birthday this week. I mean, what do you get God? He likes the gadgets so I'm leaning toward the Roomba in the Sharper Image catalog. You know it's that round vacuum that "roombas" around the room cleaning? Well, it's either that or a nose hair trimmer. You can't even imagine what's going on there.

Jerry: Yeah but Jesus, last week you said I could stop by...

Jesus: I know, and I promise we'll do it soon but we just had the floors redone too so...oh, sorry Jerry, that's Oprah on the other line and you know we're working on her favorite things show. God bless, see you at Christmas and let's talk soon, okay? <click>

Jerry: Jesus? Jesus? Jesus, he just hung up on me! Jesus!

Hey, I don't care if you don't want to be gay anymore (although I have serious doubts that this is actually a choice you can make). I firmly believe that you can squelch your instincts down for awhile but eventually, they're going to come to a head like that whitehead pimple you got the day of your last really important date with Mr. Could Be Right. Most likely this guy will live the rest of his life trying to convince himself he's not gay, looking at gay porn on the Internet and occasionally he'll find himself on his knees in an alley blowing some guy he doesn't know or want to know. From there he'll scoot to the nearest church and get on his knees for another type of blowing...smoke up the ass of Jesus. (Well, some people seem to like that too) And as drafty as it must be in heaven with all those clouds, Jesus will hardly notice, not to mention he's probably really used to it by now.

I think when these ex-gays come out for their fifteen minutes of ex-gaydom publicity, it's really okay. It really doesn't affect me in the slightest because to me being gay is natural. It's just me and who I've always been and who I will always be, simple. (Unfortunately, Mr. Glatze can't say the same of his overly highlighted hair) I think what these guys will end up doing is being ex-gay until they're at an ex-gay retreat and discover among the pinecones another Jesus loving trying to be straight guy that they really connect with and like...I mean, really like. They'll sit there in the poison ivy and discover that it wasn't gayness making them sick all along it was the poison ivy. They'll embrace and eventually end up with a book and an interview on Larry King.

Sorry Mr. Glatze doesn't like himself but hey, that's what Jesus invented therapy for Michael. These people are like children, sometimes you just have to sit back, let them make an ass out of themselves and chuckle to yourself. (I know I'm laughing) The ex-gays get another one and they can have him, we don't want him - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Thanks Isabella - and can&#39;t you just hear that conversation???

    • Isabella Snow profile image

      Isabella Snow 10 years ago

      Hanging up his triangle, ROFLMAO!

      And LOL @ the Jesus/Jerry dialogue!!!

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Hey, I say let them do whatever they need to do for them. I&#39;m all about the freedom of speech idea. What gets me is just how they all know Jesus. I guess it&#39;s sort of like how they think all us gays or Jews know one another. What a time to lose my membership roster!

    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 10 years ago from San Francisco

      I remember seeing one of these ex-gays at school; she was invited by the Campus Crusade for Christ (we called them the KKK). She also had stories about drugs, weekend benders, being unconscious for months...and attributed all of this to her lesbian &quot;lifestyle&quot;.

      I love how these idiots can&#39;t seem to imagine a comfortable middle ground. You&#39;re either gay and engaging in every self-destructive behavior possible, or straight and living like a saint. Which is why the &quot;recidivism&quot; rate of the ex-gays is so high.

      I remember Varla Jean Merman&#39;s supposed memoir title, &quot;From Crack to Christ...and back to Crack Again&quot;.

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Veronica, Yes - you are SO in to my portion of hell. (Tip: Be sure to wear shorts) And how could you know that an extra, extra dirty martini is my fave drink in the universe?

    • Veronica profile image

      Veronica 10 years ago from NY

      You RULE!

      And the Haters suck.

      Can I drop by your decorated space in hell? I will bring a huge batch of my world-famous dirty martinis. Hey, try to get the spot next to the Bel Ami boys..... MMMMMMMmmmmmmm now that&#39;s how I want to spend my hot eternity. Talk about a Frisky Summer!