Another Gay Myth Exposed Public Restrooms Not So Hot
George Michael forgive me...
I know that George Michael would say something different and there are plenty of gay porn movies out there that seem to show bathrooms as the poor man's gym hook up spot but I can tell you from personal experience that such is not the case. Prepare yourselves to delve into a world rarely talked about and read as I do it again, another gay myth exposed - public restrooms are not hot - Don't Get Me Started!
The Piss and Moan club (now already I can tell that some of you boys are at the edge of your seat) well, sit back and sit up straight for God's sake do you want to be a hunchback? Today I'm in the public bathroom where I work when suddenly the door slams open. I was in a stall but I hear this guy rushing in. The next thing I hear is, "AHhhhhh....Oohhhhhh....oh yeah, wooooo..." That's right, here I had always been under the impression that to "piss and moan" meant to "bitch" when this guy was doing the real deal. It sounded like a bad porn movie and trust me when I say, this guy was just peeing. (That much I could see through the stall!) He had his head tilted back and he was in ecstasy over the peeing he was doing. This guy had to have been saving it up for years or else had one too many free beers while playing slots at one of the casinos on The Strip. (Think the original Austin Powers movie but less funny and with a lot more "oohing" and "ahhing.") I was stunned and didn't dare come out of the stall because I mean, what do you say, "Wow, you sure do get into peeing, don't ya?" Is there anything appropriate to say? Does Hallmark or even my pals at MikWright make a card for such an occasion? I kept telling myself that the guy was passing a kidney stone or something and somehow it made me feel a little better. But not so much when he didn't wash his hands, instead he finished off with a "woo hoo" a zip up and he was gone.
Then I began to think of the other odd occurrences and "habits" that make a bathroom so not gay hot. Now every female comedian has gone on about how men can't seem to get their pee in a toilet bowl to save their life, what I can't figure out is why the need to pee all over the seat? I mean, I get you might not lift the seat in a public bathroom but you'd think with all the sports oriented men out there that they would like to make two points by getting the pee in or at least a rebound after the first spurt doesn't go in. I don't know, maybe they're going for three points from the key? (Am I dazzling you with my basketball jargon? I'm full of surprises, kids) You would think that from their competitive nature alone that their aim would get a little better instead of causing them to I guess say, "What the hell? I already missed the bowl let me just go ahead and decorate the seat in my pee!" Again, I know that there are some men out there who are so into all of this right now that they can barely get their flies undone fast enough but please people, know that this isn't something all "the gays" are into and there are plenty of straight men who are into the peeing thing as a turn on big time.
One time I was in a public bathroom at an airport and there was a guy in the stall on his cell phone. For the life of me I can't imagine being on your cell phone and taking a dump. (Well, let's just say I can imagine it if you're not talking and you're phone is on mute) but this guy was holding an entire conversation! There was farting, grunting and I'm not sure but I think he sold all his Disney stock but finally he was finished I suppose as I heard him say, "Well, I gotta go, I'm getting down to the paperwork now." I kid you not, this one I am not making up, I'm not embellishing and who in the hell would want to or need to in this case, I ask you? As I stood at the urinal I know that I just started looking around in shock, almost wanting to see if anyone else had heard all of this going on so that I wouldn't think I was crazy. No one looked at me and who could blame them at an airport bathroom with a guy in a stall on a cell phone carrying on a conversation?
Finally there is the guy who goes into a stall to pee even though he's going to be standing up either due to all the urinals being taken or some because I think they feel it's more private...well it WOULD be more private if they would shut the damn door! (These guys must be straight because all gays pee sitting down - at least I had a female friend of mine convinced of that at one time. Yes, before it was on Will and Grace, way back in the late eighties. A female pal had a friend of mine over and me to watch gay porn as she had never seen it and was dying to watch it with us for some reason. Well, as my male friend goes into the bathroom she says, "Oh, I forgot to tell him that the seat doesn't stay up on its own in that bathroom." I said, "Suz, don't worry, he's gay, all gays sit down when they pee." We had her convinced for days as she conducted a survey of every gay man we knew and we winked behind her head to get our fellow gays to agree with our story.) But here's the deal, if you're going to take the time to go into a stall, close the damn door. It is not a urinal...it has a door on it for closing. I will never understand these men who stand there peeing only to have every other man come into the bathroom, see all the urinals taken and then slam the door into their ass as they go into what they think is an unoccupied stall. Then having to mumble and say, "Hey sorry dude."
Okay, wait a minute...maybe I've been wrong all along, that sounds exactly like a scene and line out of a gay porn film! Well, say what you will and God love your little hearts for being into whatever the hell you're into, who am I to judge? (Well, we all know exactly who I am to judge...these blogs are filled with my judgments) but honestly, let me say for the most part, public restrooms are not like the ball room at a kid's playground. Okay, let me re-phrase that...for most of us, bathrooms are used for their intended purposes and not as a gay hook up locale. (Notice I said MOST of us...you know who you are who feel differently) but for the rest of us gays, we need to let people know that contrary to certain celebs and stories they've heard it's time to set the record straight...or at least defend our gay honor that we're as dull as the straightees sometimes. Another gay myth exposed - public restrooms are not hot - Don't Get Me Started!
Read more Scott at www.somelikeitscott.com