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As A Matter Of Fact, I HAVEN'T Lost Any Weight - Thank You!

Updated on November 20, 2007

Can someone explain to me why it is exactly that when I'm at my heaviest (weight wise, not in a Sammy Davis, Jr. kind of "that's heavy, babe" way) that it's always the time someone tells me how thin I look? Maybe I'm doing a good job of wearing so much black that I either look like a Hassidic Jew, a woman in mourning from the turn of the century or as if I'm wearing a birkah but the fact remains that as a matter of fact, I HAVEN'T lost any weight! - Don't Get Me Started!

It happened today of all days. Here I am, feeling so fat and bloated that I'm waiting for the Macy's people to contact me about putting some strings on me and walk me down Broadway with my pals like Snoopy and Garfield as a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and you're trying to tell me that I look thinner to you? Yeah, right where did you get that from your calendar with the daily compliments on it? "Today tell someone enormous that they look as though they lost weight, it'll make them feel better and get you a little closer at making it into heaven with God possibly forgiving you for not calling your mother back and that threesome in 1992."

The first thing that always goes through my mind is that if this person actually thinks I look thinner when I'm heavy enough to catapult any small adult on the other end of a seesaw then obviously even at my heaviest there was a time I appeared to be even heavier. This is a thought far too depressing to contemplate so it's right on to thought two - I don't trust this person, what do they want from me? This person is obviously buttering me up (more than I did to the six rolls I had at dinner last night) to get something from me. Whether it be that they just ran into my car or they need to borrow a paper clip, no doubt this person wants something from me.

To all you "half-full" glass people I know you're all thinking that I'm paranoid and need to take the compliment and move on. But to those of you who think that way I would have to ask you to understand that if I don't have my anxieties I have nothing to hang onto and more importantly, nothing to write about. You see, there are some of us who even doing yoga (trying desperately to become one with ourselves) are thinking about what we need at the grocery store, why so and so hasn't emailed us back wondering if they're mad at us and whether or not we offended our aunt when we told her she looked so much thinner. I've tried to get to the whole inner peace thing really I have but the harder I try the more things that run through my mind. I'm in warrior pose and as I'm focusing on my outstretched hand as a focal point, I'm thinking about how old my hands are starting to look. Honestly, I think it would take a lot of alcohol and a blow to the skull to set my mind at ease. Namaste, dammit!

Okay, who knows maybe I DO look thinner to this person but no getting around it, they just lost some credibility points with me. I suppose the flip side to this is that you don't want someone to say you look heavier than you ever have to them either. Look, I know the problem is me because with people like me, our problem is that we can't keep our mouth shut. Instead of quietly taking the compliment and moving on I invariably blurt something out like, "What are you on the crack? My crack is as wide as the Grand Canyon at the moment! If I gain any more weight I'm going to have to get a scooter for Chrissakes! Lost weight? Honestly get your eyes examined will you? And don't take that job as a carny guessing people's weight, okay?" In my heart I know that they mean well but well, as a matter of fact, I HAVEN'T lost any weight! - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • Lola Dark profile image

      Lola Dark 9 years ago from Midwest USA

      Too funny! I feel the same way!

    • relache profile image

      Raye 9 years ago from Seattle, WA

      My belly dance teacher was chosen because she is an utterly zaftig goddess who can shake it like there's no tomorrow and makes me feel empowered when I'm trying to belly roll my belly roll. I mean, sure my obliques and I are having a screaming match in my head, but with some fringe and tassels, it's a beautiful screaming match.

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 9 years ago from Las Vegas

      Good point. Between the models and the "gay thin" gays on that's enough to put me in a tailspin for sure!!! Have a swell Thanksgiving.

    • Guru-C profile image

      Cory Zacharia 9 years ago

      Maybe it's the Project Runway making you feel fat...