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Confused Gay Man Do We Talk About It Or Not

Updated on April 27, 2007

Gay Man Confused - Do We Talk About It Or NOT Talk About It? - Don't Get Me Started!

Is it wrong of me to wish for a simpler time? You see as I've written (over and over again) I always knew I was gay and no matter how many people tried to beat it out of me (sometimes literally) I just knew that's who I was and that it wasn't going to change. (Read my "coming out" story... scroll down on this page on the right side to the "What I Did For Love" writings) So when I came out to my mother I remember saying, "Look, this is the deal, I'm going to Houston for the summer because I'm in love with this guy who is going there for the summer. I promise you that I will never go out of my way to embarrass you or make you or anyone in the family uncomfortable with me being gay it's just who I am and I need you to know." To me this seemed not only reasonable, considerate but it also had some built in Jewish guilt with it. (The interesting part of this whole story is that the guy I was going to Houston for was eleven years older than me - though the age he gives now makes me a few years older than him - and wasn't out to his mother - another blog for another day.) So now when I hear people saying you should be in people's faces with your gayness and others like my mother saying, "Okay, we all get it that you're gay, it's enough all ready, do you really think that's what people want to read about?" I begin to wonder and that wonder becomes confusion. Gay man confused - do we talk about it or NOT talk about it? - Don't Get Me Started!

Honestly I don't have the answer to this one. I get the whole, the more you talk about something and put it on television and movies the less shocking or scary it will seem to people but I also think there's something to be said for just living your life as a good person and the people you encounter will be like, "Wow, hmmm. Those gays aren't as weird as I thought." I think it's more of a personal choice. If you must put the rainbow sticker on your car then you must but I for one haven't had anything rainbow colored since I was trying to be Robin Williams from Mork and Mindy in the 1970's and had to wear the rainbow suspenders at least three days a week. (Yes, of course with all the buttons too)

While I slowly integrated bringing my six foot black man to family functions (the only black face above the crowd - we're all short Jews) after a period of a few years and him bringing me to his family for Christmas, in contrast my cousin came out and was so gay that I think he used gay soap, gay toothpaste and walked around saying, "Hi, you know I'm gay, right? Have you met my lover?" ten minutes after he came out of the closet. It was like watching a race horse come out of the gate with no track or race, just running and kicking up a lot of dust. I adore him so if that's what he need to do, good for him. (I hate that whole phrase by the way, when I first moved to Las Vegas and went to the doctor for the first time he asked about my sex life for the sake of case history, etc. and when I told him I'd been in a monogamous relationship with a man for over 11 years at the time he said, "Oh...good for you." I never knew what that really meant. Like good for me that I found someone who would want me? Good for me that I was with a man? Good for me that I was monogamous? Or just from the doctor handbook - when patient says something to which you have no response try, "good for you." - The doctor by the way was gay too but didn't get my sense of humor so I didn't go to him for long...go figure)

The thing is that with people debating whether Perez Hilton is right in outing people or not, I know in my heart that I don't agree with this tactic. Coming out is not easy and less easy if you're a celebrity (not that I would know, mind you being the greatest never was been there ever was) so why not let these people do what they need to do in their own time? They don't owe you or me anything but to entertain us at their chosen craft, period. (Frankly some of the latest "casualties" of blogger outing I'd like to have thrown back, or at least ask them what so many of our parents asked us, "Are you sure it's not just a phase? I'll bet if you found the right woman...")

I'm not someone that needs to hold hands in public but I'll kiss my guy when I'm saying goodbye to him at an airport. I don't need to tell people I'm gay because they usually get that from the fact that I'm humming "Second Hand Rose" ala Barbara Streisand in line at the grocery store. (To some that's a horrible stereotype for some of us, it's not put on it's just who we are on a normal day) And while I'm constantly chastised by friends for not going to "Pride" or the parades (for me parades lost their attraction at an early age when we'd go to the Parada Del Sol in Scottsdale, Arizona and watch the bad marching bands, wagons with mock cowboys and saloon gals on them and horses that pooped along the entire route) I don't discourage my friends from going and having a great time but it just isn't for me.

As I said, I know I'm from a different generation now but even with all the "in-your-face-gays" today I see shades of myself represented here and there in the media. I WAS "Justin" from Ugly Betty growing up. And I for one like the fact that they don't "define" him but just let him be this fun character that is flamboyantly feminine and a kid. I guess that people are going to disagree about just about everything when it comes to talking about being gay or not talking about it. And the important thing is that we keep debating, talking and learning from one another but try as I might to be the very model of a modern major gay (with my apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan) for me, being gay is a part of me but certainly not all that I'm about. I won't "out" anyone on my site for my own recognition while saying, "I'm doing it for the cause", I won't make out in the grocery store over the frozen foods to make sure everyone knows I'm gay and I won't put the damn rainbow, triangle or any other symbol on myself (because I think that being gay and Jewish, we had plenty of those symbols mandated to be on us at one time, thanks to Mr. Hitler). So maybe I'm not as confused as I thought that I was or then again, maybe I'm not so sure either. Gay man confused - do we talk about it or NOT talk about it? - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • profile image

      Confused Gay 7 years ago

      I maintain a Gay Question and Answer site and the most questions are about gay fashion and celebrities..

    • supercibor profile image

      Hector Herrera 10 years ago from Dominican Republic

      It's interesting to know about your point of view. Respect for your honesty.