Dear SomeLikeItScott - Advice For Boys And Those Who Love Them
When you put a website up you imagine that all sorts of people will be reading it (well at least you hope they will) and sure you also hope that someone is going to "discover" you over their morning coffee, sign you to a book deal or television show and the next thing you know you're an Oprah book of the month club selection. But what has warmed my heart are the people who write in who tell me how much laughter they get from reading the site and some who actually (God help them) write in for my advice.
Such is the case with the recent emails I received from a bi-sexual college boy who is looking for love and direction. As I am the self-proclaimed "gaytriarch" of my family I was only too happy to give some advice (that is once I learned it was just angst and not God forbid suicidal tendencies). And so with his approval (and names changed) here are the emails we exchanged. I thought (and hoped) you might find them interesting.
Funny how so many things change and at the same time how so many stay exactly the same. I do hope he'll stay in touch with me and let me know how things go and while I'm sure that many may not agree with my advice (feel free to leave your comments) there may be some who feel I'm just what the doctor ordered so please feel free to write in with questions to email@example.com
I've stumbled upon your video blog and i was very intrigued and before i impose myself on you i would much rather ask if you could give me some advice. Be warned! There possible might be some teen angst or insecurity buried underneath these questions and background details. If you don't have much time on your hands then i am glad you took the time to read the email. continue to video post! I'm enjoying it =p
My First Response
I'm glad that you enjoyed the video blog. I really need to do a new one but I've had a cold and who wants that on video, right?
As far as the advice goes, I'm good at giving it but like most people, not so good at taking it myself. That said, I'm not a doctor nor do I have any sort of medical background to be giving advice so just know that you need to take it with a grain of salt and ultimately decide what's best for you. If you are suicidal or have any thoughts about that you need to contact a local crisis intervention hotline immediately - if it's about whether or not to wear those purple pants you bought, then feel free to email me.
Seriously though, know that I'm not the best at getting back to emails immediately and while I'd like to help and will do my best you may need to consider talking to someone who knows you and/or the people you're seeking advice about - that's the disclaimer so you make the decision, if you want to email, my inbox is open to you.
Have a swell day,
The Details Email
Ok so B/G info is that i'm bisexual, and i've come across a boy that i've grown fond of, and he does not know his own sexual orientation, rather he hasn't even thought about it, or if hes lying isn't willing to say anything. He also says hes never been attracted to anyone before. He is socially awkward and is a real nerdy person, but hes the sweetest thing on this earth. I felt like i've found mr. perfect without looking for him because honestly, he isn't the type i'd fall for since hes not super skinny and has a bit of a tummy, hes clumsy but its cute even though he breaks things. hes very mild mannered and home oriented and family oriented. he doesn't get upset or rather doesn't display it outrageously which is why i like him most is that he can control himself and reason things out and accept things. He likes show tunes lol and he also likes weird AL music (that taste in music kind of makes me go wtf) i believe he's grown fond of me as well since he asks to take walks during late hours of school days and during the vacation hes called me almost every night. I've asked him an even more direct question of "Are you straight?"
in which he replied "i would believe so." he's always hesitating and half the time i'm not trying to pressure him but he always asks whats on my mind in which i reply i dont want to say anything because it might put pressure on you. I'm always honest with him and i've already confessed my feelings for him. I feel like i've come to the point in my life where i'm done waiting for people, but this guy, hes like a dream with prior experiences with guys/girls incompatible with myself.
Scott, as a angsty teen deeply fallen for a guy who isn't my type, i'm asking you to give me your BEST advice you can give about falling in love. how to deal with it. If i should follow my heart, or do whats best for me in the end.
I've spoken to a friend of mine who knows me well, she says that i'm always impatient. that the current situation, theres nothing wrong with how it is now, and i'm thinking to myself well obviously nothings going on because i want to take it to the next level, and she tells me that i should let time takes its course and stop rushing things.
My other friend, he says i should make a move. whatever happens from there would be my answer, but i can't make a move because i find it disrespectful if he doesn't know. put it lightly, i've had so many chances to just kiss him.
Like i said, i've been tottaly honest with him, confessed my feelings, yet things seem to get better and better and i feel like its tearing me from the inside because i would've thought that expressing how i feel would have make him turn away. or at least not have gotten closer to me.
Like any angsty teen, i've been moping around campus with that fake smile and making friends to make time pass by and having fun. Like everyone in life, everyone is always missing one piece of the puzzle. my piece is longing for someone who i can cherish close to me. everything else will follow, i believe it so. FUNNY THING i left my hometown to go to a college thats far from everyone i know to start new, and not look for relationships. YET i fall in love. and its hard for me to even type the word love, because i've always avoided using it because of things that has happened. but i think i've finally found someone who i can say it freely without hesitation.
So. should i wait? should i let time pass by? should i try to forget about it?
i feel like i should blame my mother because she's always enforcing that i find someone to marry. but meh, i love her regardless.
BTW, you are a great example for younger people like myself to remind us that our parents love us and they're always there for us so we should be there for them.
Thanks in advance =]
The Advice Email
Were that there were some sort of magic pill to take, right? But guess what, there isn't one so until there is...let me try and give you as you put it, my BEST advice.
You're absolutely right to respect "the boy's" boundaries. What you have to understand is that just because you're comfortable with your sexuality, he obviously isn't in the same place as you when it comes to this matter, yes?
So how can you expect him to mount the horse (or you) and become your white knight when he's not even sure he likes the job? Does that make sense?
That said I've found in most matters of the heart it's more about you than it is about the other guy.
I know you probably won't be able to do this but take a deep breath and step back for a moment.
Time for some tough love - You talk of him being a "dream" compared to past encounters but come on, isn't it the dream that you're really in love with and perhaps some of that "angsty" label you've put on yourself? More often than not, it's easier to get attracted to someone who doesn't share the attraction for us because it's like putting a picture of Mario Lopez on your wall and telling your friends you know he'd go for you if only he met you.
It's fantasy and not reality. And guess what? Love is reality, not a fantasy my friend. It's two people being in the same place at the same time willing to open themselves to the possibilities of being destroyed because they can't wait to be with each other emotionally as well as physically. I'm not saying it's always 50/50 but he's at least got to want some of the same things you want out of the relationship.
If I had to make a "judgment" based solely on the info you've given me, I would say that he values your friendship greatly (thus the calls all vacation and the walks) and maybe even admires you for being able to state your sexual identity when he himself seems to not have one (or at least not ready to share it with you or maybe even himself). In any case, in my experience taking a relationship like the one you have now to the next level is rarely successful (sigh, I know that wasn't what you wanted to read). Oh sure, he may eventually relent and kiss you, etc. but once that happens the entire relationship changes and if he's just experimenting and decides it's not for him, most likely he will have difficulty facing you again and the friendship will be lost. On the other hand, if he decides that he indeed likes boys then you may be the catalyst for starting him off on an adventure but rarely does the "first encounter boy" become the life mate.
Now for the biggest advice I can give you - beware of friends! They will push you to do things that you probably shouldn't do. (Rent a copy of the old Joan Crawford movie, The Women and watch it) By nature, the women in your life will tell you to "wait and see" while the male instinct will always be to get in there for the thrill of the hunt and capture. There's some truth to the old "women are gatherers and men are the hunters" thing.
(Thus God created the beloved "fag hags" to balance men who love men with some common sense and sensitivity)
Are you impatient - of course you are because that's where you are in your life - at a time where everything has to happen this moment for you to continue to breathe. That's called passion and don't ever lose that but realize that sometimes it can also just be drama you're creating for yourself which can annoy and bore those around you. Don't be a drama queen, be a passionate proud person.
Next steps - time for you to find someone to date that you can actually date. It doesn't mean you have to lose the nerd with the tummy but at least you'll have Christopher or Christine to talk about during those walks instead of only having one thing to say, which you can't say when "the boy"
asks what's on your mind. Trust me when I say it will make you more interesting too because if all I ever got out of you was the, "I don't want to pressure you with my thoughts" line it would get old for me real fast.
Glimmer of hope here - who knows, it may even get him to realize that perhaps he does have stronger feelings for you once the pressure is off of him to decide his sexuality and whether he wants to date you all at the speed of light that you're currently going.
Finally, a fairy's tale (my own) - when I met my mate we were doing theatre together. We were friends only as both of us were involved with other people when we first met. We did everything together and became close friends.
After six months we discovered that we loved one another and after ending the other relationships we were in, we began our true courtship. It's been over nineteen years and we're still together in a completely monogamous relationship. I really think that we've been together so long because we had that first six months of being friends, sharing our interests and laughs which gave us a great base for a friendship that continues to this day. Oh believe me when I say that the passion is still there too but on a crappy day you need a good friend not a lover and it's good to have that in a mate.
So, if I had to sum up this long email, I would say, don't squander your precious time trying to turn a fantasy into a reality. Find the fantasy and fantastic person in you and then someone who can share your feelings.
I hope this was a help to you. Try this - go somewhere by yourself and listen to your heart (it may take a few hours of silence) your heart will always try to lead you in the right direction. Whether you choose to follow the direction that compass is pointing is another matter. Choose wisely for you.
Thank you for entrusting me with your thoughts.
All My Best,
P.S. I would love to put this on my site somewhere if you don't mind - of course I wouldn't use your name or anything. Let me know if you would be okay with me using these emails as a feature on the site at http://hubpages.com/hubtool/create/edit/www.somelikeitscott.com
The Final Email
I'd gladly allow you to use this, I admire your work a lot therefore i'd be more than thrilled
Thanks for the advice, =]
All i can keep in mind is that, theres a light at the end of every tunnel right? =p
So maybe my advice helped or maybe (if he's anything like me) he read it and didn't get the advice he wanted to hear so he'll continue down the path he's all ready paving for himself finding his own truths. One thing is for sure, it's difficult to give advice without becoming invested in the person (how do those therapists do it?). I like the feeling of possibly helping someone else by telling my stories and not just because I like to hear myself talk (though you know that I do) but because somewhere just somewhere in all the mishigas there might actually be some help for someone. And as we see more and more gray in our hair, don't we owe it to the next group of gays to leave them with something more than talk of drunken nights at Studio 54 or stories of being ostracized? Shouldn't we tell our stories and try to inspire hope for the next generation of gays? I hope I can do that as there have been so many in my life who inspired me and are still inspiring me to this day!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com