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First The Mass Emails And Now Even Worse, The Mass Text Messages!

Updated on January 2, 2008

Anyone who knows me knows that I will not answer, forward or most of the time even read a mass email. As someone who receives about a hundred real emails a day, I don't have time to read the sentimental story about Timmy who lost both legs but then found true happiness and I can too if I forward it to twelve people I know and send it back to the person that sent it because that somehow validates their need to know if people read their emails or themselves or whatever. I despise these mass emails almost as much as I hate the "joke" emails. I have never laughed out loud or even chuckled at any of these emails that I have bothered to read and so alas, I've made the decision to hit delete before I even "preview" the email! But this New Year's I faced a new phenomenon of annoyance and that my friends, is the mass text message. That's right, first the mass emails and now even worse, the mass text messages! - Don't Get Me Started!

It was bound to happen I guess with technology available but just because you can doesn't mean you should. And that is a lesson for the ages. You see, I hate texting to begin with as I'm not proficient at it nor do I aspire to become proficient at it. In talking with a cousin's daughter (who is in middle school) she was trying to explain to me exactly how to use the whole "preemptive text" feature and telling me how easy it is to use. Every time I've tried to use this feature in the past I end up spelling things that couldn't be further than what I'm trying to say. I don't think it works, I think it's a myth along the lines of Big Foot. There, I've said it!

But here's the deal with the texting (and I've written this before) it's just another way for us to mock communicate with one another. I remember when you would wait to call someone until you knew they were going to be out so that you would get "the machine" and not have to talk to them. But now thanks to texting, we don't even need to pseudo care about anyone's feelings because we can send them a text and then it creates the illusion as though we want to communicate with them when actually we didn't want to talk to them but wanted to make them believe that we did. All too confusing for me and therefore I choose not to text. I figure if it wasn't important enough to speak to me about it, then you don't care enough about the "message" so why should I?

So knowing what you now know about how I feel about mass emails and texting it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that I feel the whole mass text message is just stupid, rude and you all need to stop it. This New Year's my phone was constantly going off telling me I had a message. And every time I went to look at my phone it was someone else's non-personal message on my personal cell phone. They almost read like things people signed in your yearbook when you were in school. "Have a great 2008!" or the simple, "Wishing you a happy New Year!" but some went on and on (I can't quote them here because I hit delete so quickly that I didn't even get to the end of the message). And in the midst of all of these messages, a pal of mine for a thousand years won the prize for the best mass email ever sent, "Many of us have not yet fully recovered from the loss of Anna Nicole in '07. But let's try to begin anew today. God bless us all in '08." This message not only made me laugh out loud but will remain in my saved messages! If you can be this funny you can send me a text but know that most likely you won't be funny.

The thing is that if you truly want to communicate with me, you can pick up a phone or even email me but before you hit send on any communication device I ask you to follow these simple rules.

1) If you're sending it to more than five people I don't need to see it because if we're close enough one of the five will tell me about it or most likely forward it to me with a snarky comment on the fact that you even sent it so no need for you to send it to me too.

2) If you use abbreviations that I will have to either text or email you back to figure out what the hell you mean, don't send them. DGMSYPIMA (Don't Get Me Started You Pain In My Ass)

3) Know in advance that I will happily break the chain in any line of emails that are meant to go all over the world and back again. These include the ones that offer a free laptop or lap dance if you forward them!

4) If you want to talk to me, call me don't text me but know that most of the time you'll get lucky and I won't want to really talk to you either so I'll send it over to voicemail by hitting the "reject" button.

5) Finally, the phone is a phone so use it for calling and talking not for texting, taking and sending insipid pictures that I can't even make out that you forward to me of your dog or some celebrity you saw at a mall.

Lest any one of you think that I don't value my pals and communicating with them, I feel compelled to say that I do try to answer emails and voicemails promptly but when it comes to a text message, you'll have to wait until I feel like pressing each key a hundred times, cursing as I have passed the letter I want twice as I silently sing the alphabet song to myself to figure out where the next letter is on my phone keypad. Let's all be a little more responsible on how we use this medium, shall we kids? And that goes for emails too! First the mass emails and now even worse, the mass text messages! - Don't Get Me Started!

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