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For Those Who Smoke Cigars

Updated on March 7, 2007

Hey Guys Who Smoke Cigars In Vegas...

Cigars and Assholes Have More In Common Than Smell - Don't Get Me Started!

Apparently if you are a man and come to Vegas, even if you don't smoke, upon arrival by plane, car, bus or train the minute you arrive you must smoke a cigar. I don't know what this crazy phenomenon is but you see it time and time again. I don't care if they are in their seventies or seventeen; they have to have a cigar in their mouth the moment they arrive. Am I confused, is Vegas a lot closer to Cuba than I thought? (It could very well be the case as I am the worlds worst when it comes to geography. I never got my blue "piece of pie" in Trivial Pursuit and all I'm really good for is left and right, once you start with the north and south business I think of mini-series, not direction). I have been around a lot of smokers in my day and while it's not the prettiest habit in the world, it would win a pageant compared to the people who smoke cigars. Because there's an amazing thing I've discovered; and that is that cigars and assholes have more in common than smell - Don't Get Me Started!

What I have discovered is that almost 100% of the time, not only does the cigar smell like an asshole; the person smoking it IS an asshole. Perhaps it's a prophetic sensory thing, you know like, you are what you eat? These men walk around with their guts out and their hair they just rinsed out in the sink and think that they are really doing something. I don't know who is more of an asshole, the men that smoke the cigar or the ones you see continually walking around with one unlit in their mouth that look like Mr. Magoo or one of the Pep Boys (when they used to let the boys smoke). The only exception I've ever seen to the cigar rule is George Burns and he was using it to comic effect. Would that these lameos walking around would understand how funny they look.

Now I know that some of the gays are "clutching their pearls" at the thought of me talking about idiots with cigars and not talking about the fact that some of the boys find it hot. I guess they do find it hot if they've never had a real male role model in their life and need to get off by having someone who is not a real man but plays one in the gay culture flick ashes on their ass during sex. These would be the same gays who make their body look like Vin Diesel but can't say his name without it sounding as though their tire just sprung a leak.

I will admit that I smoked for a while. I smoked Benson and Hedges Menthol Deluxe Ultra-Lights (this is the gayest cigarette in the world next to Eve - the thin and long cigarette). I was never one of those people who needed a cigarette first thing in the morning or during a meal - still don't understand these people. No, I liked to smoke at parties with a drink in my hand and gesture a lot. It was my prop. And although I wouldn't have called myself a serious smoker, I (unlike certain presidents) did inhale and kind of liked the minty coolness of the addictive, cancer causing smoke as it entered my black lungs stunting my growth. (what's not to like here, huh?) Apparently the whole idea behind a cigar is that you don't inhale. In fact if you do, you will apparently puke or die right on the spot. Again, I don't get it.

This morning I went to Starbucks and outside at a table there were two men that looked to be in their forties or fifties. They were the only two people at the Starbucks so I had to assume that the vehicles parked in front belonged to them (a motorcycle and a Hyundai). They were both smoking cigars, leaning back in their chairs and doing that whole, "Look at me, I'm smoking a cigar so I'm a swaggering big wig, hey look at me some more" kind of thing. I dodged around them to ensure that the smoke didn't get me and went into the Starbucks. When I came out moments later, there they still were, talking, laughing, puffing, choking and spitting. Now what could be more attractive than that, I ask you?

Here's the deal guys, when you smoke a cigar or even when you're just rolling it around in your mouth, you don't look big and tough, you look like you're practicing to give a blow job (Aha, now we know why the gays love it). You think it makes you look more masculine when in fact, the exact opposite is true. I know that you've watched Ben Affleck smoke cigars and that you're secretly hoping that Cigar Aficionado magazine will shoot you for the cover but in reality, you're just stinking up the place with the smoke and your lack of self esteem. So be Rex Harrison and smoke a pipe or even smoke a joint but remember that when you smoke a cigar, cigars and assholes have more in common than smell - Don't Get Me Started!

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      Stelth 6 years ago

      Cigars do smell like shit and some even look like giant turds. I've tried smoking cheap ones as well as "good" cuban cigars and they all taste foul. I suppose they are simply about conspicuous consumption unless some people really do enjoy the taste of burning ass.

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      Doug 7 years ago

      While I agree that people who smoke cigars in very public places are many times narcissistic, attention freaks but I think you are missing the point of cigars.

      For a lot of people, cigars are more about relaxation. If you choose a good quality cigar and give yourself time to relax and enjoy it, you will pick up on some pretty nice complex smells and flavors and you'll slowly start to unwind.

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      cigar lover says : 10 years ago

      not all gaymen like cigars !

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      Cigar Lover 10 years ago

      WAAAAAH!!! Quick, someone call the waaahmbulance, and buy this guy a smoke for christsake.