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Gay Means Happy Now That Haggard Is Not

Updated on February 7, 2007

Gay Means "Happy" Again Now That Haggard Isn't! - Don't Get Me Started!

Evangelical Ted Haggard has apparently come through his own brand of Jesus rehab and feeling as new and revitalized as Joan Rivers after her last face lift, his captors, excuse me, prayer therapists have declared that although he was caught doing meth and a male prostitute he is not gay. Whew, I know that we're all relieved. Because whether at his holiest or most disgraced, I have to say, us gays weren't exactly screaming, "Red Rover, Red Rover, Send Closet Ted Right over!" We don't want him, you can have him, he's too freak for us! I'm glad that he's not gay (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and for me gay means "happy" again now that Haggard isn't - Don't Get Me Started!

We all love a juicy scandal but the one with Haggard just wasn't juicy enough for my taste. You have the male prostitute who actually became a martyr in the gay community (something I still don't understand) and the image of Haggard leaning over his wife in the car to basically have no comment. Other than that, it's what we've grown to expect from the mighty that fall. They're holier than thou, they fuck up and much like the robber who isn't really sorry his stole but sorry he got caught, they run to the new sanctuary of rehab. Boring!!!!

Now before you queens get your panties in a bunch, hear me out. I'm glad for Mike Jones that he isn't a drug dealer or prostitute anymore but if you want me to act like he's Harriet Tubman (gratuitous black history month reference) leading slaves to freedom by going to the press, I'm sorry I don't agree. Yes, he shed light on a hypocritical asshole but isn't anyone going to question his integrity for being a drug dealer, prostitute and I'm sure making more money off his story than on that body of his? (And by the way, here's a tip prostitute boys, while you're busy building up your arms, it would help if you also trimmed the waist a bit so that you don't look like a pregnant Popeye)

According to reports, the church is suggesting that Haggard and his family move out of state for their own good. This is a little like trying to get blacks, Jews or gays to move out of an all white neighborhood for "their own good." It's not for the people that are being asked to move's own good, it's so the church doesn't have to look at Haggard and constantly be reminded of the scandal. Like covering your eyes to become invisible or putting your fingers in your ears, singing, "la, la, la, I can't hear you!" They just want the scandal and him gone. Apparently he and his wife are thinking of going back to school for psychiatry in a grand attempt to prove the cliché, "Physician Heal Thyself!" I've no doubt here that they will get their degrees in Idaho and create a farm for people to come and be de-programmed and turned ex-gay. Of course the hardest test will be for Haggard to keep from trying to get high on paint thinner and having sex with his "patients". But perhaps that scandal (while less of a surprise) will at least be a little more exciting and juicy.

For those of you who feel so badly for the wife, don't even get me started. I have no sympathy for her at this point. I'm sure she has "Stand By Your Man" loaded in her Ipod but she deserves our sympathy almost as little as Mike Jones does from where I'm standing. If she didn't know before; she knows now and she's an enabler. Perhaps the best course of action is for them to enter the Dr. Phil house. (For those of you who watch Dr. Phil, I'm constantly amazed that a man with that size gut can have a weight loss program he swears by and encourages others to purchase. I feel as though if you have a weight loss program on the market then you should be in shape otherwise it just kills your credibility to the point where I have to question how good you are as a therapist too, no matter how much Oprah swears by you. Again, I ask the physician to heal thyself.)

I'm sure that we have not heard the last of Ted Haggard or Mike Jones (who probably will be hosting a reality based work out show for Logo or something). However for me, it's kind of a "Jimmy Cracked Corn" issue - I don't care. And although I suspect Ted Haggard is still in the "pending file" (if you know what I mean) for now, gay means "happy" again now that Haggard isn't - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • Guru-C profile image

      Cory Zacharia 10 years ago


    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Todd, You are so right! What killed me was when on the news they said, "Although there is a mission that will be going into space soon, she will not be on that mission." Um, hello? No worries, she'll end up in rehab like everyone else except she can blame it on the gravitational pull of sanity!

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      Todd - Tulsa 10 years ago

      Love the hub...funny, ha ha, funny. I'm still on the fence about Haggard, but you're right, the straighties can keep him. I'm thinking our fellow lesbians should focus their attention on the diaper wearing astronaut. Now that is hot!

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Thanks for reading and the compliment. Remember, for more Some Like It Scott visit

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      Kathy 10 years ago

      I have to say your Hubs are really, really funny, and this was no exception.

      Ted Haggard is a joke in and of himself, though.