ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Gays In The Workplace (The New Ant Farm For Straight People)

Updated on August 16, 2007

Gays In The Workplace (The New Ant Farm For Straights) - Don't Get Me Started!

There's a phenomenon that happens in corporate America when you have a company that is supposedly non-discriminatory against your sexual preference. In my experience, the straight people in the office are either fine with it and it never comes up or they are so fascinated by you that you become some sort of strange science experiment. Gays in the workplace (the new ant farm for straights) - Don't Get Me Started!

Remember when you were little and you would get those green plastic ant farms? You'd fill it with the sand and then you would send away for the ants and in a few weeks you could watch the ants go up, down and around the other plastic hurdles in the flat world they were living in being constantly on display like say, Lindsay Lohan. For some of us, it was only interesting for a couple days or a week but for some they still have them today (on the shelf next to their Sea Monkeys). Well, honestly, the corporate culture seems to be one of those kids that just can't get enough of the ants going up, down and around hurdles.

I work for a company that has 1400 employees across the US and yet it never fails, when another gay is hired anywhere, I invariably get the call from someone. "We just hired Steven for the Florida location. I think you're going to "like" him...I mean, he IS one of you. On your team I mean. And he's good looking." Where in the hell does anyone think that A) This is acceptable and B) That I give a shit? What is it affirmative action for gays? Am I supposed to be thankful another one of "us" got in? Am I supposed to race home and look through my gay membership lists to see if this guy is on it? (No, such a list does not exist to the best of my knowledge) The point is that I just don't get it and what is so strange is that the straight people think they're being so subtle and clever as they wink, nod, use their fingers like quotation marks and get to say things like, "he's on your team." Offensive, sure but the fact that they think they're being "with it" is the harder thing to stomach.

A prime example is the blog entry from yesterday about the new IT gay hitting on me at work. When one of the straight guys found out about it he said (all wide eyed and interested like he was watching open heart surgery on the Discovery channel), "Yeah, I was wondering when I introduced you two if you were getting any kind of a vibe or anything." I just rolled my eyes and said, "Look I have no gaydar and there's no one here attractive enough or interesting enough for me to want to fuck so no, it didn't even register with me that he might be gay." The guy just stared at me a bit broken hearted looking and walked away from my desk just shaking his head. I'm sure he was thinking, "Gee, they don't have the gaydar? Hmmm, I thought that was like new cars and GPS systems, just came standard."

And what really sends the point home is when your straight co-workers really treat you like you've entered the ant farm. You're in a meeting or something and they watch you like a Billie Jean King tennis match, heads going back and forth and back and forth watching the gays in the room, examining how they react to one another when the other says something and whether or not the gays are lingering after the meeting to talk? It must be about dildos, throw pillows or Bette Midler they think as they go back to their offices and call one another on the phone. Here's a typical conversation between two straight women after a meeting with the gays...

Gossip 1: Did you see Gary and Rodolfo at the meeting?

Gossip 2: See them? I couldn't look at anything else!

Gossip 1: When Gary suggested we do the survey to find out about the demographics and Rodolfo bent over showing his ass, it was appalling!

Gossip 2: Well, I don't care what they do in the privacy of their own home, you know it makes no difference to me, I'm open-minded but do they have to bring it into the workplace?

Gossip 1: Exactly. Don't they have special bars and clubs for that? And I thought Gary had a "husband" <chuckle, chuckle, snort>.

Gossip 2: Well, he does but you know those gays. I'm surprised they have time to do anything but workout and have sex with unsuspecting passerbys.

Gossip 1: Oh you are so right. But for Rodolfo to disappear under the conference table, shoving his ass in the air as Gary was presenting when he knows Gary is gay and gets distracted the minute a man's ass is anywhere in view...

Gossip 2: Okay, I have to admit it. I had dropped my pencil and Rodolfo had just gone to retrieve it for me when Gary started to speak. That's why he was under the conference table and his ass was in the air.

Gossip 1: You mean he wasn't "presenting his ass" to Gary afterall? Well, I definitely saw "something" when Gary handed out the copies of his presentation. I could swear that their hands brushed one another a little too long, if you know what I mean.

Gossip 2: Really? Oh those gays.

Gossip 1: Hey, I've got to go Brian is calling on line two.

Gossip 2: Has he told his wife yet that the two of you are sleeping together?

Gossip 1: Not yet but I know it's only a matter of time. He really doesn't love her and he left a post-it on my monitor today that had a smile and heart drawn on it.

Gossip 2: Well, just to be on the safe side save everything he sends to you in case you need to blackmail him later.

Gossip 1: Got it. See you at the meeting at 2:30pm today. And get ready for more of the Gary and Rodolfo drooling all over one another show!

Gossip 2: Ugh. Why we have to put up with this, I just don't know. If it was the other way around the gays would be protesting, creating a petition or parade or something!

Are there gays that "get together" in the workplace? Sure. Are there heterosexuals that "get together" in the workplace? Sure. But for some reason, we gays seem to be much more fascinating to watch and talk about. But for those of you who are straight reading this please know that if you put us gays in the same room together, sparks nor snaps are guaranteed to fly. If the gays are like me, they pride themselves on their professionalism and are normal people so unfortunately straightees, you're not even going to get a "Diva" or "Giiiiiiiiirl" out of me when I'm at work or not at work. You'll just have to be content to see me as the worker ant in the corner of the farm (the fabulously decorated part of the farm with a velvet rope and a bouncer ant to make sure you're on the list!) who isn't busy seeking out the other gay ants for sex or swishing. Gays in the workplace (the new ant farm for straights) - Don't Get Me Started!

Read More Scott @


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.