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God Only Knows What You’re Talking About, All I Can Do Is Stare At Your Nose Hairs

Updated on February 17, 2008

Years ago I watched (in hysterics) a comedian by the name of Kathy Ladman go on about her father's eyebrow hair. She said that sometimes they would look at him and he was so crazed looking (thanks to the wild brow hairs) that they would say to him, "Dad did you just invent something or did you just take a nap?" Now we all know that as we grow older hair leaves many of the places we'd like to have it and yet appears in great abundance in areas where we'd prefer not to have it at all. Almost every Sunday when I'm at my parent's house for dinner (good Jewish boy that I am) I can take only so much and then I must trim my father's eyebrows because they are what I imagine Kathy Ladman's Dad's looked like after his nap. I've only cut him once doing this and yet he still brings it to my attention every time I come at him with a pair of scissors. But this blog is not about my father or my hair situation. No it's about a woman I met last week at a conference. She was very exuberant and excited about what she was telling me about but I have to admit that I was thinking to myself, "God only knows what you're talking about, all I can do is stare at your nose hairs." - Don't Get Me Started!

You see, like it or not, the sexes are different. Men are expected to sit on sofas in their underwear with their hand down the front of their pants all the while having wooly hairs sprouting from their ears, underarms, noses and many other locations (except their heads where they are most likely experiencing male pattern baldness). But you women, we hold you to a higher standard. We've been spoiled by seeing you showered, shaved and FDSd within an inch of your life. So when a Courtney Love shows up on the scene or women from foreign lands with hairy legs and pits, well, let's just say we're a bit put off. I know it may not be fair but I have to tell the truth. (Where's Bill Cullen when I need him?)

The thing is that I find no exception for anyone who doesn't see hairs growing out of their nose and take immediate action. Doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, you should know better. And come on, does this woman really not get that as delightful as she may have seemed (in her Capri length pants from oh so many seasons ago and brightly colored top) that it all gets negated when you've got a national park coming from your nose? Honestly, I walked away from that conversation not remembering her name, what she had to say or anything else. I guess I couldn't see the forest for her trees. (Okay, bad joke)

I know, I'm "a gay" so things are a little different for me. Once a week I push back the cuticles, nip around the edges of my nails for stray skin and then after using a high powered nose hair clipper, I go back in with a cuticle scissor for the final clean up. The reason I do this is that I want to look my absolute best but also because I get it when someone is staring at something that they shouldn't ought to be when you're in conversation with them. From years of having spiky hair, I noticed when the focus of people would go from my face to my hair. I knew they were wondering what had possessed me to wear my hair this way and that I could tell them they were on fire but they'd never notice from looking at my hair. We've all had conversations with people who seem to get bored with the topic or our face and begin to look in the general vicinity for something of interest to focus on, yes?

But at least my hair actually WAS interesting (see my hair on the Don't Get Me Started page at ). The same can not be said of nose hair. Nose hair is not interesting. In fact it's almost as not interesting as this blog now that I'm re-reading it. So let's all move on, shall we? But keep clippers near because you don't ever want to be the nose hair person. That's actually what I called her because I so couldn't remember her name. I said to someone, "Hey, did you see Miss Nose Hair? So sweet but I have no idea what she said because of all that hair coming out of her nose." In response, my pal said, "Yeah, I know exactly who you're talking about. Have no idea what she said...nose hair, nose hair and then we went to nose hair for our vacation. That's all I got." So don't be this woman (or man). Trim away. Otherwise people will be saying, "God only knows what you're talking about, all I can do is stare at your nose hairs." - Don't Get Me Started!

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