A Hilarious Guide to Facebook Friend Requests
Facebook is an odd and mysterious creature. To some, the social networking giant is a way to keep in touch with what's going on and having everyone you know at your fingertips. Well, the Internet is a creature in of it's own and when it is combined in a melting pot with your social life there are bound to be horrible consequences.
Here is a guide to aid you in friend selection to make your life easier:
1) the girl from high school that gave you a hard time.
I always add these because it makes me feel better when you find a picture where they're much heavier than before. Jackpot if they've given birth four times within the last five years, married their highschool sweet heart promptly followed by divorce, obviously hooked on Oxycontin or still work at mcdonalds 10 years later.
2) the guy you've never met but share 115 friends in common.
You are dead positive that you've never met them before but it seems that, according to the laws of the universe, you should have met a billion times and have become best buddies. He's adding you because he has heard about you through cute anecdotes from friends and after having your name repeated and drilled into his brains he is sure that you've met and are kindred spirits. Don't add him until you meet him, don't perpetuate the lie that you're actually friends because every time you see an update from this guy you'll have the momentary "Wait, who the hell is that... oh right, that guy" moment followed by guilt for tainting your friend's list.
3) The "Hey, you look hot" creepy, old man.
If you look through his friends list, every person on his list either shows a bit too much cleavage in their photos or are just down right camera whores. Usually, the perp is at least 20-30 years older than everyone on his list and most of his wall posts consists of "who the hell is this?" and "HOW DID YOU FIND OUT WHERE I LIVE?". You shouldn't add him, he just needs to have some one tell him that Pornotube is a free service that can scratch that itch in a way that facebook cannot.
4) The bleeding heart.
She's a girl you've met once during a rally at the university for saving the [insert over-farmed animal here]... that you weren't really attending, you just needed to get to the other side to get a big greasy cheeseburger. This is the girl that you don't think twice about adding as a friend because you think "What's the harm?" WELL, what you should have known is that facebook isn't just a social network site for her but is really a way to let every one know about every cause known to man in the form of group invites. It will become obvious when you log in and have 13 invites to random causes ranging from "Save the fruit fly" to, but not limited to, "Stop the gross mistreatment of grass in suburban areas".
5) Your mother.
She's just lonely but she's not worth the add because she'll cramp your style with the ladies.
6) Your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend
Is she kidding? ... yes, she must be... ummmm, is she planning to destroy you via the internet? You can't afford to not add this person because if you don't then the gossip will fly and you'll appear as the jealous, crazy bitch. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (and have some fun using the photos she is tagged in as a visible history of her weight gain). Ohhhhh, I'm so bad!
7) The ex co-worker that just wants in your pants.
How can he think that he has a chance with you when he was fired for bad hygiene. REALLY?
(edit: These are actual photos taken from my inbox for your viewing pleasure. The identity of the guy has been removed but all of the stupid things he wrote are golden. He wasn't fired for bad hygiene but the example still stands.)
8) The joker
No, not the guy that has a pocket full of knives and is the creator of two-face, this is the kid that makes inappropriate comments on everyone's photos and finds himself too amusing for words (despite the fact that everyone hates him for it).
9) The fake celebrity
Now, now. Are you really that naïve? HANNAH MONTANTA DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND but the 45 year-old man from Texas that created that profile certainly does!
10) You're room mates.
This doesn't seem like a bad idea at first because you guys know each other and are probably friends, right? wrong. Picture waking up to a wall post on the 30th saying he spent the rent money playing poker the night before and isn't able to pay his share. Having him on facebook enables him to break horrible news affecting your life without being within arms length to receive a punch. But, I guess that's when you upgrade from the "Poke" system to the "Rip your face off and staple it to my chest" application.
Heed my warning and you'll be fine.
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