ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Happy Marriages: The Chain of Command

Updated on September 7, 2008
http://www.octavioocampo.com.mx/
http://www.octavioocampo.com.mx/

So many marriages are in trouble because a couple becomes locked in a power struggle. Power struggles can manifest in many forms, from invading a foreign state just to prove that you're the man around these here parts, to smaller but equally damaging skirmishes in the domestic sphere.

For instance, say she asks you to take the trash out. Of course you refuse on principal, you're a man, not a minion! The trash stays and rots in the kitchen. Your youngest child catches typhoid after licking the debris spilling out the sides of the can. You're not looking after a sick kid, so you go out and play golf whilst your wife stays home to look after little Brutus Jnr, who spills the beans by asking where his other Mommy with the big blonde hair who comes during the day and likes to play hide and seek under the bed is.

Next thing you know all your clothes are burning on the lawn and you're divorced - simply because you didn't take the trash out when she asked you, because you tried to deny your inherent subservience to the domestic goddess who rules over your life.

This story has repeated itself endlessly in marriages since the beginning of time. The problems of course, arise when those involved in the marriage attempt to pervert the natural order of things by being equals. Equality is an excellent basis on which to behead a royal family and all the aristocrats who will stay still long enough for you to lop it off, but its no way to run a marriage. The secret to happy marriages is to acknowledge the chain of command from the very beginning.

The chain of command generally looks like this:

Child - Children quickly establish themselves at the top of the chain of command with a combination of sleep deprivation techniques and a wide eyed cuteness that leaves parents unable to resist their every command. Children are also blessed with never ending persistence and single mindedness which quickly wears down any adult and forces them to do their bidding. The only reason children don't rule the world is the fact that there are kiddy locks on the doors of the UN. Even the great Vladimir Putin was brought to his knees by a small blonde child demanding attention due to a sore stomach, so don't think that you're immune, Mr General Sales Manager.

Wife - When she is not doing the bidding of the child, or if there is no child in the relationship, then the woman heads the chain of command. Her desires are paramount, though nebulous and sometimes unfathomable. She keeps her husband on his toes by alternately praising and rewarding him with carnal affection and shrieking and crying hysterically for reasons that may, or may not be tied to the lunar cycle.

Husband - Mostly confused, the husband usually believes that he is the head of the household, imbued with responsibility for providing for and defending his family. This may sometimes get him the big piece of chicken, but is otherwise an often thankless role. He should be adept at putting up shelves, or paying someone else to do so.

Mistress - Though at the bottom of the chain, the Mistress often holds the familial unit together, doing the things the wife refuses to do, and generally connecting the husband with the man he always wished he was, rather than the domestic servant he has become. The husband is more attractive to his Mistress than his wife because in spite of the natural chain of command putting the wife at the top, women tend to prefer dominant men. Whilst he can never hope to dominate his wife, a man can be dominant to his Mistress as he is not dependent on her to iron his shirts, find his car keys, or refrain from slipping arsenic into his soup.

Disclaimer: The above is intended as satire, and should not be used for the justification of real life infidelity, or the promotion of small children to positions of supreme power.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)