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Hi, My Name Is Scott...I’m A Recovering Bluetoothheadsetaholic!

Updated on June 11, 2008

I admit it, there was a time when I couldn't have a cell phone without the latest and greatest Bluetooth headset too. That's right I woke in the morning, put the headset on and I was good for the day. But I got so tired of people being offended by thinking I was talking to them (or an imaginary playmate) that I finally just had enough and put the headset away. When I got my newest cell phone I never even "paired" my headset to the new phone because I understood that admitting there's a problem is only the first step and that to really recover I must thoroughly examine the addiction to truly understand why I needed to change my life. So much like standing up in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I feel compelled to say, "Hi, my name is Scott and I'm a recovering Bluetoothheadsetaholic!" - Don't Get Me Started!

If I'm honest with myself other than the fact that when they first came out and I thought they were so cool with their blinking light going on and off on the side of your ear like Lieutenant Uhuru from Star Trek to be honest none of the three different makes and models were really all that great. I would find myself shouting to beat the band or cupping my hand over the headset and my mouth like I was a recording star (which while it looks cool, not really great when driving a vehicle or walking the streets). When I first got it, people would stare at me and although through the years a lot of people have stared at me (for all the wrong reasons like when I wore my parachute pants and Duran Duran hair in the 80's) when I had my blue blinky headset on people stared for all the right reasons. Jealous much? But frankly I just couldn't take the pressure of it all. You see on the whole I'm a really polite person (stop laughing, it's true - I vent in my writing but in real life I play a nice Jewish boy). So I always felt awful when someone would say, "What?" to me and I hadn't been talking to them at all. I hated having to put my index finger up to indicate "one second" to the Starbucks counter person as I mouthed in big over exaggerated fashion "I'm sorry" with my lips then made a comical cringing, "look at me, I'm an awful person" face. It was just enough.

The funny thing is that much like someone who gives up smoking, I am now a real Bluetooth Headset hater. I can't stand the people as they walk around shouting into thin air about their personal life (having to say it so loudly so that it can be heard above everyone and everything). A prime example was a woman I saw outside of the grocery store the other day. She was a very large woman with her breasts spilling out of her nylon caftan as she was pacing in front of the store. Her hair was all kinds of fucked up and she didn't really need any more help looking like an escaped mental patient. Yet here she was, screaming at the top of her lungs into her huge Bluetooth headset (looking like she was working at The Gap stocking the jeans wall or on tour with Madonna in the nineties) as she paced frantically and her boobs bobbed wildly bouncing off her stomach, "UH...oh oh...I'm sayin' no you diddunt! Hey, whys don't you call me back when you're at the Taco Bell, I'll tell you what to order for me and then I'll be round when yous sees me." Now there are so many things wrong with this scenario that it's kind of hard to pick what's worse. The "just fucked" looking hair? The caftan? The boobs spilling over and to the sides of the gut that stuck out just a bit further? Her seeming lack of any understanding of the English language? Or the fact that she was obese and was going to make it only worse by eating at Taco Bell? None of those things bothered me as much as the fact she was walking around like a caged animal, seemingly screaming at herself on the damn Bluetooth headset.

There is no real etiquette about the Bluetooth headset other than to not wear it in public or when dealing with the public. You don't look like a hot Nichelle Nichols on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise you just look like an asshole with a huge piece of something that could be black waxy build up in your ear.

It reminds me of a joke book I had as a kid. There were two clowns and one had a banana in his ear. The other clown walked up to him and said, "Hey, what are you doing with a banana in your ear?" The other clown just looked at him and said, "What?" The first clown repeated himself, "Hey, what are you doing with a banana in your ear?" Again the second clown replies, "What?" This goes back and forth at least three times (because anyone who has ever done comedy knows, in comedy you always do things in threes) with the first clown getting very exasperated. Finally the clown takes the banana out of his ear and says to the other clown, "Sorry I couldn't hear you, I had a banana in my ear." This may be the reason that I dislike clowns but more importantly it seems as though this could be the same conversation you might have with someone who has a Bluetooth headset in, right?

So on the what's hot and what's not list you'll find me saying, "Hot? - Listening and being polite to people" "What's Not? - The Bluetooth headset!" Don't Get Me Started!

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    • profile image

      Scott 8 years ago

      Thanks -

      I do remember it as a joke book...oh big deal - I'll keep looking at garage sales for it :)


    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 8 years ago from Las Vegas

      Well, I did some looking into this one and also discovered that it's supposedly a famous sketch of Ernie and Bert from Sesame Street. Also found a book that might have it in there (without the great images probably) Bananas: An American History by Virginia Scott Jenkins.


    • profile image

      Scott 8 years ago

      Sorry - I think I had that book and I have been looking for it on eBay and other places.

      Do you have a name and/or author?


    • profile image

      Adam B 9 years ago

      Nice Hub! Check out the one I wrote about the love I have for cell phones and text messages.