2. The No-Win Situation
-- After several years together, your partner all of a sudden drops a bomb and says, "We don't want the same things anymore", or some other equally vague statement that is complete news to you. Rest assured that this is a giant excuse. A lot of dumpers have an aversion to telling the truth, so instead of saying "I'm sick of you" or "I just don't feel like being together any longer" they'll attempt to sugarcoat the truth with a cut and dry statement that leaves you feeling helpless and out of the loop. You begin to worry. Shouldn't you have seen this coming? Can't we discuss this further? Can't we come to a compromise? The answer is no, you cannot. Your partner in this case is not willing to negotiate, probably because she lacks the motivation required to work out your differences. Instead, she'll focus on a secondary issue and make it seem like it's not up for discussion (after all, you can't change your core desires). She doesn't want to work anything out. There are no answers or alternatives, she just wants to leave. Do not let this rattle your self-esteem, and don't start second-guessing your beliefs. It is not up to you to change so your partner will like you more or want to stay. You are perfect just the way you are, and one day soon you'll meet someone who sees that and appreciates you for all of you.3. The 'Victim' Excuse
-- When your partner begins to victimize herself, it is done in order to make you think differently of her, hopefully in a negative light. She wants you to think that her problems are out of control, and nothing you can do will fix that so you might as well break up. This is expressed in terms of "I can't." For example, "I can't give you what you need. I want to, but I can't. I can't be in a monogamous relationship, I can't stop doing drugs, I can't do long-distance, etc." In this case, "I can't" means "I don't want to." If she really wanted to be with you, she would find a way to make it happen. There are always options, and as human beings we are able to exercise our free will--but only if we choose
to do so. Whether that free will is exercised in the form of making sacrifices and making a relationship work, or by parting ways, if up to your partner. However, a mature partner will tell you the truth and allow you to feel as though you have some choice in the matter, rather than feeling isolated and helpless. If this is happening to you, try explaining to your partner that it would be much more helpful if she were to be totally honest with you, and to detail her real reasons for wanting to leave the relationship. This will give you some autocracy in the matter, and the break will feel more like a mutual decision than a one-sided declaration.4. The 'Manipulative' Excuse
-- People who use this excuse are extremely deceitful. I'm sure there's a psychological term used to describe this behavior, but I don't know what it is. Basically, your partner will try to manipulate your emotions by pretending that the reason she's leaving is to spare you
the pain that would inevitably result should she stay. Oh and she just loves you too much to do that to you! Instead of being honest, she'll cry as though this is so hard and say things like, "I can't give you what you need. I wish I could be the one to make you happy, but I can't. You deserve so much better, I love you too much to keep you in a relationship where your needs aren't being met." Playing the martyr is just her way of making you think that she's doing this for you rather than for herself. Don't believe it for a second. I don't think anyone is truly that selfless. A mature individual will use the word "don't" instead of "can't", and would say something like, "I don't want to give you what you need, and you deserve someone who does." She would take responsibility for her feelings rather than pinning it on you. Don't allow her to make you feel as though your needs are unrealistic, or that they are so lofty she could never dream of reaching them. Because manipulators usually try to soften the blow by telling you how great you are, it is easy to start thinking, "Well, if I'm so perfect, why is she leaving? There must be something
wrong with me, right?" Do not let her make you feel like you are flawed in some way, and do not start criticizing your wants and needs. Have the dignity to not grovel, and don't make any promises to change. You shouldn't have to conform yourself to her ideals, especially since she's just using it as an excuse in the first place! Just let her go and remember that when one door closes another one always opens.
The only thing excuses do is avoid the truth. Honesty really is the best policy. You may think that sugar-coating the truth will spare your partner pain, but it won't--it only serves to spare you
the pain of having to admit your shortcomings, especially if you've been cheating on her. Break-ups hurt no matter what, that's a given. If you're the one doing the breaking, you'll fare much better by being honest. The truth may hurt, but at least it's real, and in the end your partner will respect you for it. By throwing an excuse at her, you may cause her to start questioning her self-worth instead of explaining to her that it's you
who has the doubts or the conflicting desires. Although dissolutions are rarely enjoyable, communication is the key to a healthy break-up. Talk openly and honestly with your partner, expressing your viewpoint and allowing her to articulate hers. And if you're the one who has been broken up with, always remember that you are beautiful just the way you are, and deserving of a love that fulfills your every need. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and as you go from relationship to relationship you'll learn a little more each time. When one relationship ends, you become more knowledgable about what you want, and now you'll know enough to look for that next time. Because there will ALWAYS be a next time; you will survive and life will go on, time will heal all your wounds, and you'll be a better, happier, stronger person because of it.