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Hub Pages Special: How To Win On The Forums

Updated on February 14, 2008

First of all, its important to remember that like any social group, a forum can be subverted to the dynamics of a Junior High. If you've read Lord of the Flies by William Golding, or if you've ever been a teenager, then you have an inherent understanding of what I just said.

Some of you may have missed out on such formative experiences however, perhaps you were beamed down from another planet, or maybe you spent your youth in a coma. Perhaps you were cloned fully formed as an adult, but without any memories or knowledge of the world. With the rise of social networking, it is important to understand the dynamics of a social forum. Most forum posters will fit into the categories below, so you would be well served in learning about them, and discovering their weaknesses.

Newbies

Newbies are disoriented and confused, timidly joining in the conversation with well meaning and non incendiary posts. Bland and boring for the most part, they are biding their time until they emerge from their newbie cocoon and take their final form as members of one of the groups below. Newbies are often prime recruitment material for the popular girl group.

Annoying Newbies

Annoying newbies are disoriented and confused, but insist on making this everyone else's problem. They ask the same question over and over, becoming more insistent until at last all their posts are written with the caps lock on. Annoying newbies may undergo a similar metamorphosis into one of the groups listed below, but are often killed by moderators before they have the chance.

Piggies

Poor little piggies. The piggies are always getting picked on, and if there is a sacrifice that needs to be made, then they are more likely than not at the top of the list of nominated sacrificees. Piggies can be recognized by their bleating posts and the fact that they are always losing their glasses. Piggies are good at soliciting sympathy initially, but before long, one soon sees why they were being picked on in the first place and dons the ol' spiked boots to join in the beating.

Popular Girls

The popular girls always seem to be sweetness and light, but underneath the facade of pretty hair and make up, they are vicious wee beasts. The popular girls work in packs, picking off less popular girls and boys, and tormenting them for their own amusement. Popular girls dominate the forums, outposting other members 4:1. The downfall of a popular girl is a wonder to behold, as it can only occur when there is a mass uprising against her. She almost always goes down screeching, but whilst the villagers rejoice that the witch is dead, a new popular girl is sure to be on the rise.

The Jocks

These are the guys who'd do almost anything to get in bed with the popular girls. They also have high post ratios, though in general they tend to be more laid back than the popular girls. As in a pack of lions, the hunting and killing of prey is left to the females who revel in their vicious task, and the males are generally content to bat at it a bit with their big paws before stretching out and going to sleep.

Weirdos

Occasionally post strange things that nobody understands, or spend vast amounts of time solo, just doing their own thing and largely ignoring the workings of the wider group. The weirdo also functions as a substitute piggy at times that none other can be found. Things do have to be pretty desperate for a weirdo to be picked on however, as the chances are quite high that they either will not notice what is going on, or will unexpectedly tear the picker a new one with an hitherto unforeseen vigor and loquaciousness.

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    • tushar09 profile image

      tushar09 

      9 years ago

      great man.

    • profile image

      SirDent 

      10 years ago

      Had a good laugh and do agree with what you wrote. Not sure if i fit in any of the categories or not. Will have to think about that.

    • profile image

      IĆ°unn 

      10 years ago

      lol. weirdo check in. however as a weirdo and with no intent or desire to "win" I am choosing to pass on the whole message board fiasco unless it's some tech question.

      coulda woulda shoulda been a neat addition but as you said, how very jr high.

      this is an excellent hub. funny AND accurate. kudos.

    • Bonnie Ramsey profile image

      Bonnie Ramsey 

      10 years ago from United States

      LOL Hilarious post! I enjoyed reading it and agree with the catagories (including the 2 missed ones listed).

      Bonnie Ramsey

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      10 years ago

      :) Well there's no need to try and fit one of the categories, most hubbers like to sit outside the boxes anyway I reckon :)

    • profile image

      dafla 

      10 years ago

      Very well written, and hilarious! I wonder which one I would be. Surely not a popular girl, probably a weirdo.

    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 

      10 years ago from San Francisco

      This. Was. Hilarious.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      10 years ago

      Lol, good point Zsuzsy... I'm glad you got a laugh out of it, and seamus too. It seemed like things were getting awfully serious around here.

    • Zsuzsy Bee profile image

      Zsuzsy Bee 

      10 years ago from Ontario/Canada

      Very good hub! Isn't it weird that we as a people can find ways of arguing even when on other ends of the globe...Isn't the Internet just the most fabulous invention ever.

      Funny-funny-funny hub regards Zsuzsy

    • seamus profile image

      seamus 

      10 years ago

      Hee, the mosquito photo next to the "annoying newbies" gave me a laugh.

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      10 years ago

      Thanks for the comments Kenny and Misha - good point on yet another missed category too! Just like scientists, hubbers are always discovering new creatures ;)

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 

      10 years ago from DC Area

      LOL!

      Great classification. I think you missed doggies, though - those who just have to piss on every thread :)

      Thanks for a good laugh :D

    • Kenny Wordsmith profile image

      Ashok Rajagopalan 

      10 years ago from Chennai

      LOL!

      I am not a great poster at forums, but hubpages is like a second home to me, so I post. Only here.

      Hilarious hub this, Hope!

    • Hope Alexander profile imageAUTHOR

      Hope Alexander 

      10 years ago

      You're quite right of course, I had included the nerds in with the weirdos, but the nerds probably do deserve their own section. I thank you for your comments :)

    • Hovalis profile image

      Hovalis 

      10 years ago from Australia

      *G* I agree with Inspirepub, where are the Nerds?

      I had a laugh, you've nailed most of the types and this comes as someone who used to be one of the moderators on a board with 10,000 members. This forum is sedate by comparison, believe me.

    • Inspirepub profile image

      Inspirepub 

      10 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      LOL

      What about the Nerds? The ones that always have the answers?

      Jenny

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