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I Got Jury Doodie!!!

Updated on February 3, 2009

My weekend started off like every other weekend. I got home from work on Friday night at around 5:30pm, to find a trail of shit from one end of the house to the other.

The husky must have had an eruption. I could just imagine this fat dog running from one end of the house, all the way to the other end while diarrhea came spewing out of her asshole with volcanic forces.

A nice disgusting brown sludge trail left for me to clean. What a lovely way to start the weekend.

The dog seemed happy with her deeds though, because she ran up to me to greet me with her tail wagging. I could see the dried up shit on her tail, and I knew that after cleaning up this mess, I would then have to flop her big ass into the tub to give her a bath. Shampoo and shit is probably the nastiest stink I've ever smelled. In fact I think it's worse than just the shit itself.

Anyhow, after cleaning the house, then the dogs ass, I made my way out to the mailbox. I have a Blockbuster online subscription, and I knew that likely there'd be a DVD in there waiting for me.

Unfortunately no weekend DVD for me. In my hand I held one solitary envelope.

The envelope was intimidating. It was from the courts, and had the word juror posted on the front.

I knew what it meant. I had been called, to serve...Jury Duty.

Seeing that my hands still reeked of shampoo shit at the moment, I figured Jury Doodie was the new way I'd begin spelling Jury Duty.

My heart sank.

I mean I have issues... I really do. I have issues with people telling me where I have to be, and at what time I have to be there. I also don't like change. I'm a Taurus, and we bulls hate change. Even the littlest of things are unacceptable.

This summons sitting in my hand meant that my normal routine was about to be shifted to shit, and my mind at that moment couldn't handle it. I knew that I'd have to take a day off of work. Knew that I would not get paid for my missed day. Nope... no sick days, no vacation days, no personal days.I pretty much could guarantee there would be a no paid Jury Doodie day either. (I was right)

Now I'm sure for most folks Jury Doodie is not a big deal. Show up, sign in, get dismissed.

For me though, I knew it'd probably end up being some long drawn out OJ case. Just my shittin luck.

I'm a little annoyed though at why I have Jury Doodie. I managed to slip by for years without even being known. Seems as soon as I registered to vote, I suddenly became a well known candidate for Jury Doodie. Thanks Obama. I voted for you too!

At any rate, I imagine by the time my Jury Doodie day comes up, I'll be in the hospital for a bleeding ulcer just because I tend to worry about things like this. Things that are out of my routine bother me to the core. My soul is effected, my thoughts, my sleeping patterns; my zen- everything disrupted.

Since receiving the summons, I have not been able to sleep without having a Jury Doodie type nightmare. In last nights dream, I dreamt I was the juror to put some killer behind bars. I was the one to rise and say 'GUILTY'.

As quickly as I sentenced him to prison, he was released. Naturally he wanted to murder me, the Juror, who put him behind bars.

In the dream the day before that, I dreamt I was chosen to serve as a juror, and while in the courtroom I was looking for a bathroom, and as soon as I found one and sat down to take a crap, all of the walls sunk away into hidden slots in the floor.

There I was, sitting bare ass on the terlit, with the judge, and the rest of the jurors staring at me taking a crap.

I couldn't get up to run out of the room, because then they'd see my private part as I went to stand up. I also was not about to begin to wipe. I had to just sit there, knees squeezed together to ensure no one saw my bizz-wizz. Hoped that maybe they'd think I was just seated on a chair. An odd chair that resembled a terlit; but wasn't a terlit.

Talk about Jury Doodie man! I was taking a shit in the courtroom!

Like I was on public display or something.

I'm sure there is meaning behind these Jury Doodie dreams, but really I don't care to evaluate them.

Anyways, back on topic-

I have to serve in 2 weeks. The funny thing is, my Jury Doodie day takes place on my dads birthday. I have been thinking about using this as an excuse, I've actually been thinking about using lots of excuses.

I read somewhere online that the religion excuse does not work anymore, nor does saying your racist, or that you are morally against Jury Doodie.

I have to come up with something savvy. Something unique, something they never heard of before.

Like when they first sent me a Jury Doodie questionnaire card to fill out. It was back in the beginning of last year, 2 weeks after I registered to vote. I threw them out month after month, week after week.

I figured that since I hadn't signed for it, I could just say I never got them. Then one fine October day they sent me a summons. Said if I didn't hand this slip in, they'd come and arrest me, or fine me. Some nice threat like that.

At any rate when I arrived to hand deliver my stub, the woman asked why I ignored the previous 20 slips they had sent. Tee-hee!

I figured lying was a waste of time, plus it'd offer the bitch something to laugh about with her other peers after I exited the room.

I said, 'Well, Yourona'roll, to be quite honest with you, I threw em' all out. Figured they were not important.'

She got awfully mad (I think it had something to do with the yourona'roll comment. I was confused though because that's how they always say it on TV. When I said it though, the onaroll gave me this dirty look), and then said, 'If you throw out a Jury Doodie summons, you will be in a lot of trouble! Don't do it again! By the way, expect a summons for Jury Doodie within the next 6 to 8 weeks.'

I had a final question for her though before leaving. A question that's been burning in my mind since I received the first Jurors questionnaire thingie.

I had been wondering why the state didn't just hire a professional jury. Yah know, make some jobs for folks who didn't have jobs... pay them a fair rate. None of this $20 in the mail 6 months later bullshit.

Well I asked the Ona'roll the question just like that. She said, 'You can leave now'.

What a snootie Milf! I wanted to call her Milf. I wanted to stick my middle finger up at her as I walked out of the room, but I knew she'd have those security guards by the door taze me with those electrical sticks of theirs.

It just bothered me that she could act like such a troll, and I...the idiot on the other side of her 10 foot tall desk, could do Jack shit about it.

Well her stupid threat was a little off, because it took them 16 weeks to finally send me a Jury Doodie summons.

Man I don't want to go.

I've had diarrhea ever since learning my fate. I'm thinking about using the mentally ill card... not necessarily calling up to postpone it by saying I'm a weetart, but I plan on actually showing up and acting like I'm a little mentally challenged.

I figure I will stare off up at the ceiling, and smile every so often at make believe fairies on the ceiling. Perhaps someone will catch me being 'strange', and send me on my way. I need more material though than make believe fairies. What if no one is observing me?

I'll need a stronger impression.

I plan on using some makeup to really cake on some black eyeliner. Likely fill in the whole eye socket. Give myself raccoon eyes, and draw a little teardrop on my face. Yah know like them murderer fellas do?

I also plan on letting my hair out. I have naturally thick frizzy hair, with a 6 foot wingspan on either side. I figure if I let it out, they'll really think I'm crazy. If I add some temporary streaks of bright red, then I'd really look unqualified.

I also plan on wearing pants two sizes too small, so that way when I sit, they see that my socks don't match. Black lipstick, liner, and a tear drop. I should definitely qualify as one who worships the red beast down below. Who wants a devil worshipper as a juror?

I figure my last finishing touch will be a pentagram t-shirt; you know the kind that feature the horned beast himself surrounded by a lovely upside down circled star? Yeah, that one.

Throughout the whole ordeal, besides looking at the ceiling fairies, I will also occasionally bob my head to unheard music.

I figure this will get me out of Jury Doodie. I hope so anyway. I really hope so.


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    • mayhmong profile image

      mayhmong 9 years ago from North Carolina

      Thank goodness I don't know how to vote then! LOL

      I thought it would be interesting to be an honor member of the jury. Meaning you are the big boss of whoever is considered guilty or not! And who knows, you might be a jury on another Michael Jackson sex scandal!?

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 9 years ago from London

      I'd like to do it, to see the process from the other side (-:

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 9 years ago from Earth

      Call ins beginning next Friday/Sat/and Sun... I'm praying I don't get chosen. This would be my first Jury doodie... so I have no clue how this process even goes. Someone told me though that if my number is not called, Im free of my doodies.

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 9 years ago from London

      Any update on your fun, fun, fun?

    • profile image

      Adam B 9 years ago

      Yeah right, Christoph "saw" it on Dr Phil...wink wink. Sombody has a membership that that site (pointing at you Chris).

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      And whatever you do Pam, don't google MILF and then go to any site called anything like The MILF Hunter. I don't know, but I saw it on Dr. Phil.

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 9 years ago from London

      you never know, it might be interesting and good fun!

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 9 years ago from Earth

      lol. Im just shitting bricks over the whole thing. People in suits and ties make me quiver. I threw about 20 of them slips away...then they sent me the pink notie. Didnt even give me the chance to mail it in. It said I had to hand deliver it at a certain date, on a certain time. So pushy. lol. I could have lied and said I never got them, but really being 'honest' about what happened to them probably made it worse for me.... they were probably sitting there thinking... wow, we got an honest one. Lets call her in to serve as a juror. A crucial mistake on my part... never again.

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 9 years ago from Virginia

      ACK! Thanks goldentoad! At least I know what it means now. :)

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 9 years ago from Free and running....

      Pam- you don't really want to know what it means but scroll up and Adam B already said it.

      MellaV- I feel for you, I just throw my jury duty slips away too as I went one time in my life and figured this is about the stupidest thing they can try to do, they should do their own research on the people they are requesting to be jurors, how were they going to get me to judge another criminal?

      You can always see what happens if you don't go again. just a thought. that should send that milf over the edge.

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 9 years ago from Virginia

      I have a confession, I don't know what a milf is. I know the Milf from the Real Chance of Love show, but I didn't see the first episode to know why they called Milf a Milf. What does it mean?

      Ah, it's good to know that wacky doesn't work, but it sure sounds like fun. :D

    • Christoph Reilly profile image

      Christoph Reilly 9 years ago from St. Louis

      Your scatalogical rant has me nearly pooping my pants (old school lingo). Your bizz-wizz!!! Ha! Hey, I can identify with the dog scenario. By the end, my dog could barely walk. I came back to the same scenario many, many times. It is, as you adequately describe, horrible!

      You can't just be wacky and get out of jury duty. Oh, you'll never get chosen for a trial, but oftentimes they will keep sending you back to the Jury pool, because they are wise to the tricks, so they make it even more miserable for you. I never saw a milf at the courthouse. I'll tame the bitch! Where is she?

    • Pam Roberson profile image

      Pam Roberson 9 years ago from Virginia

      I think you have a solid plan of action. That 6 foot wingspan hair is the clincher though. And adding highlights should enhance it quite nicely. :D

      As usual, you made me laugh my rear off! When I saw the title of this hub pop up, I had no clue who wrote it, but I KNEW it was you! ROFL!

      So much I wanna say, but I have to run an errand. :(

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 9 years ago from Earth

      lol... gotcha... hopefully that info was free of charge... : ) Im actually a little excited to see what the other folks will be wearing. Wonder if any of them had the same thoughts I did.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      You have to be a little careful. Fluffy hair is probably ok (if you feel comfortable sporting it). The satanic outfit would draw immediate attention from defense counsel. If you look too "out there" you are likely to be picked. The trick is to look like you DON'T live under a rock!

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 9 years ago from Earth

      lol. So... my satanic outfit is not needed? I still will sport the fluffy hair though... I think it would help... just in case...

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      MV, I will have to review the list of "phobias" but somewhere in there has got to be "fear of jury doodie." And I'm afraid you have it! If you happen to live in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts I might be able to help you out. I went to college with the Jury Commish there. I have a few favors to call in with her...(currently, I am charged with writing cheers for our upcoming reunion in June). But like RJ's suggestions, it's gonna cost you!

      I hear ya on the Taurus thing. I'm one too! But seriously, Jury Doodie will likely be the source of a great hub. I don't think they allow cameras in the jury room, but you can bring a laptop (at least where I live in Sacramento). You can write little stories about all the other poor souls sitting in the jury pool. Odds are you will never even be called for a panel. If you are, your odds at even being called to the stand to be considered are not that great, either. From there, even if you do get called, you should be able to tell from the questions they ask how to weasel out of it (although it is our civic duty and sure as hell beats suiting up and heading to Iraq or Afghanistan to fight for the good old US of A). All in all, there's so much raw material (read: sewage) in a day at the courthouse that you could probably write 2 or even 3 new hubs! Have fun. We expect a full report!!

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 9 years ago from Earth

      LOL... sure... she was pretty sexy. A mean milf though... she was pissed at the Youronaroll comment though... so I think calling her a milf would have really granted me a tazin. hehe.

    • profile image

      Adam B 9 years ago

      So, did you want to have sex with the woman who asked why you threw all the pervious notification out?  I mean, you called her a milf which means mom i'd like to f**k.

      If so, there is a whole nother hub to be published.

    • MellasViews profile image

      MellasViews 9 years ago from Earth

      lol. We must have been reading eavch others hubs at the exact same moment.

    • rockinjoe profile image

      Joseph Addams 9 years ago from Standing right behind you!

      Ok, here's my plan. Two weeks before jury duty, stop bathing, shaving your legs and arms and brushing your teeth. Don't cheat. No deodorants, perfumes, etc. One week before stop changing your clothes. Wear the same thing everyday, including underware. Show up as scheduled. Be dismissed in 5 minutes. That will be $50. I accept Paypal.


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