I Got Jury Doodie!!!
My weekend started off like every other weekend. I got home from work on Friday night at around 5:30pm, to find a trail of shit from one end of the house to the other.
The husky must have had an eruption. I could just imagine this fat dog running from one end of the house, all the way to the other end while diarrhea came spewing out of her asshole with volcanic forces.
A nice disgusting brown sludge trail left for me to clean. What a lovely way to start the weekend.
The dog seemed happy with her deeds though, because she ran up to me to greet me with her tail wagging. I could see the dried up shit on her tail, and I knew that after cleaning up this mess, I would then have to flop her big ass into the tub to give her a bath. Shampoo and shit is probably the nastiest stink I've ever smelled. In fact I think it's worse than just the shit itself.
Anyhow, after cleaning the house, then the dogs ass, I made my way out to the mailbox. I have a Blockbuster online subscription, and I knew that likely there'd be a DVD in there waiting for me.
Unfortunately no weekend DVD for me. In my hand I held one solitary envelope.
The envelope was intimidating. It was from the courts, and had the word juror posted on the front.
I knew what it meant. I had been called, to serve...Jury Duty.
Seeing that my hands still reeked of shampoo shit at the moment, I figured Jury Doodie was the new way I'd begin spelling Jury Duty.
My heart sank.
I mean I have issues... I really do. I have issues with people telling me where I have to be, and at what time I have to be there. I also don't like change. I'm a Taurus, and we bulls hate change. Even the littlest of things are unacceptable.
This summons sitting in my hand meant that my normal routine was about to be shifted to shit, and my mind at that moment couldn't handle it. I knew that I'd have to take a day off of work. Knew that I would not get paid for my missed day. Nope... no sick days, no vacation days, no personal days.I pretty much could guarantee there would be a no paid Jury Doodie day either. (I was right)
Now I'm sure for most folks Jury Doodie is not a big deal. Show up, sign in, get dismissed.
For me though, I knew it'd probably end up being some long drawn out OJ case. Just my shittin luck.
I'm a little annoyed though at why I have Jury Doodie. I managed to slip by for years without even being known. Seems as soon as I registered to vote, I suddenly became a well known candidate for Jury Doodie. Thanks Obama. I voted for you too!
At any rate, I imagine by the time my Jury Doodie day comes up, I'll be in the hospital for a bleeding ulcer just because I tend to worry about things like this. Things that are out of my routine bother me to the core. My soul is effected, my thoughts, my sleeping patterns; my zen- everything disrupted.
Since receiving the summons, I have not been able to sleep without having a Jury Doodie type nightmare. In last nights dream, I dreamt I was the juror to put some killer behind bars. I was the one to rise and say 'GUILTY'.
As quickly as I sentenced him to prison, he was released. Naturally he wanted to murder me, the Juror, who put him behind bars.
In the dream the day before that, I dreamt I was chosen to serve as a juror, and while in the courtroom I was looking for a bathroom, and as soon as I found one and sat down to take a crap, all of the walls sunk away into hidden slots in the floor.
There I was, sitting bare ass on the terlit, with the judge, and the rest of the jurors staring at me taking a crap.
I couldn't get up to run out of the room, because then they'd see my private part as I went to stand up. I also was not about to begin to wipe. I had to just sit there, knees squeezed together to ensure no one saw my bizz-wizz. Hoped that maybe they'd think I was just seated on a chair. An odd chair that resembled a terlit; but wasn't a terlit.
Talk about Jury Doodie man! I was taking a shit in the courtroom!
Like I was on public display or something.
I'm sure there is meaning behind these Jury Doodie dreams, but really I don't care to evaluate them.
Anyways, back on topic-
I have to serve in 2 weeks. The funny thing is, my Jury Doodie day takes place on my dads birthday. I have been thinking about using this as an excuse, I've actually been thinking about using lots of excuses.
I read somewhere online that the religion excuse does not work anymore, nor does saying your racist, or that you are morally against Jury Doodie.
I have to come up with something savvy. Something unique, something they never heard of before.
Like when they first sent me a Jury Doodie questionnaire card to fill out. It was back in the beginning of last year, 2 weeks after I registered to vote. I threw them out month after month, week after week.
I figured that since I hadn't signed for it, I could just say I never got them. Then one fine October day they sent me a summons. Said if I didn't hand this slip in, they'd come and arrest me, or fine me. Some nice threat like that.
At any rate when I arrived to hand deliver my stub, the woman asked why I ignored the previous 20 slips they had sent. Tee-hee!
I figured lying was a waste of time, plus it'd offer the bitch something to laugh about with her other peers after I exited the room.
I said, 'Well, Yourona'roll, to be quite honest with you, I threw em' all out. Figured they were not important.'
She got awfully mad (I think it had something to do with the yourona'roll comment. I was confused though because that's how they always say it on TV. When I said it though, the onaroll gave me this dirty look), and then said, 'If you throw out a Jury Doodie summons, you will be in a lot of trouble! Don't do it again! By the way, expect a summons for Jury Doodie within the next 6 to 8 weeks.'
I had a final question for her though before leaving. A question that's been burning in my mind since I received the first Jurors questionnaire thingie.
I had been wondering why the state didn't just hire a professional jury. Yah know, make some jobs for folks who didn't have jobs... pay them a fair rate. None of this $20 in the mail 6 months later bullshit.
Well I asked the Ona'roll the question just like that. She said, 'You can leave now'.
What a snootie Milf! I wanted to call her Milf. I wanted to stick my middle finger up at her as I walked out of the room, but I knew she'd have those security guards by the door taze me with those electrical sticks of theirs.
It just bothered me that she could act like such a troll, and I...the idiot on the other side of her 10 foot tall desk, could do Jack shit about it.
Well her stupid threat was a little off, because it took them 16 weeks to finally send me a Jury Doodie summons.
Man I don't want to go.
I've had diarrhea ever since learning my fate. I'm thinking about using the mentally ill card... not necessarily calling up to postpone it by saying I'm a weetart, but I plan on actually showing up and acting like I'm a little mentally challenged.
I figure I will stare off up at the ceiling, and smile every so often at make believe fairies on the ceiling. Perhaps someone will catch me being 'strange', and send me on my way. I need more material though than make believe fairies. What if no one is observing me?
I'll need a stronger impression.
I plan on using some makeup to really cake on some black eyeliner. Likely fill in the whole eye socket. Give myself raccoon eyes, and draw a little teardrop on my face. Yah know like them murderer fellas do?
I also plan on letting my hair out. I have naturally thick frizzy hair, with a 6 foot wingspan on either side. I figure if I let it out, they'll really think I'm crazy. If I add some temporary streaks of bright red, then I'd really look unqualified.
I also plan on wearing pants two sizes too small, so that way when I sit, they see that my socks don't match. Black lipstick, liner, and a tear drop. I should definitely qualify as one who worships the red beast down below. Who wants a devil worshipper as a juror?
I figure my last finishing touch will be a pentagram t-shirt; you know the kind that feature the horned beast himself surrounded by a lovely upside down circled star? Yeah, that one.
Throughout the whole ordeal, besides looking at the ceiling fairies, I will also occasionally bob my head to unheard music.
I figure this will get me out of Jury Doodie. I hope so anyway. I really hope so.