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I Think It's Me Who Is The Bad Driver!

Updated on August 6, 2008

A recent driving adventure began me thinking. As I sit in my car racing to and fro I find myself constantly yelling obscenities at my fellow drivers (of course with my windows firmly up so as to not cause my own death by the people having road rage with the gun attachment). And while I usually drive around noting everything that everyone else is doing wrong, knowing in my heart of hearts that I'm not only obeying most of the driving laws while doing my fair share of letting people in, etc. thinking I've got this whole driving thing dialed in, it suddenly dawned on me the other day, I think it's ME who is the bad driver - Don't Get Me Started!

I first thing I do is that I follow too closely. Does this make me seem needy? That I have to cling to the car in front of me? Or does it make me seem smart that by somehow using the wind current from the car in front of me to save gas and emissions while propelling my Mini Cooper forward almost hitting the car in front of me at times? More than once I've had people pull over to the side of the road. I always thought that they were perhaps looking at a map or trying to get the Tic Tac that went under the seat but invariably when I pass them I look in my rear view mirror to see them pulling back onto the road but keeping their distance from me. Sort of like when I used to go to New York a lot and my friends and I would be in bad neighborhoods, we decided that if we acted crazy no one would bother us. We would yell, "Assume the position" and we would just grab our crotches and start talking to ourselves. Noone ever dared come near us when this was going on. And so it is with the drivers who reluctantly take a driving position behind me after pulling alongside the road to let me pass, they don't get too close. To prove this point, I was driving behind someone the other day and when I moved over to the right lane and came alongside of them the passenger leaned out of their highly raised truck and yelled something at me that I could not recognize as the English language.

The other thing that I do is cut corners when I'm making a left hand turn pretty tight. I say "pretty tight" because I'm trying to make it not sound so bad however every time my guy is the car with me and I make a left hand turn he grabs the inside of the door and chastises me that "someday someone is going to be there and you're going to hit them head on." I don't really admit to this one but as he's told me more than a thousand times during our life together, I guess I have to go ahead and admit this one too.

More than anything, I'm just really surprised at the realization that I'm a bad driver. Geez, I don't want to be a bad driver but what's a boy to do? And does everyone else think I'm a bad driver? Do other bad drivers know that they're bad drivers too? Do I need to get a sponsor like AA and recite a poem that states, "God grant me the patience to not follow too closely, to know when the other driver is the asshole and when it's me?" I can't be the worst driver in the world but perhaps I am. It's all so unsettling. And the worst part of it is that I feel as though I can't criticize anyone anymore for their bad driving if I'm really that bad. Time to get rich enough so that I can be driven around or go back to the bicycle, I was really good on a bicycle, or was I? Arghhhh...I don't know anything anymore. I think it's ME who is the bad driver - Don't Get Me Started!

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