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I Went In For The Half Priced Calendar And Came Out An Out Of Date Gay

Updated on January 5, 2009


The first weekend in a new year, I have my own tradition. I don’t start working out like a maniac, I don’t go to stores and try to find Christmas decorations at 50% off (what would a Jew like me do with those?) and I don’t make a list of all the things that I’m not going to do anymore because it’s a new year. No, the first weekend of the New Year I go to the major bookstores for the half off calendars. I know, exciting stuff, huh? But this year, I got much more than I bargained for when I made my yearly pilgrimage. I went in for the half priced calendar and came out an out of date gay. Don’t Get Me Started!

First I went to Borders. They stock a particular calendar that few other stores stock. It’s one that is turned out yearly by a local organization and features all of the black performers who have played here in Vegas. Some months feature stars like Sammy Davis, Jr. and some a line of chorus girls backstage at the Moulin Rouge (the only all black owned and operated casino here in the 60’s that only lasted about six months or something because the mob that was running the Strip at the time were nervous that it was where all the stars went after they finished their shows on the Strip and was so popular). They never have this calendar in the 50% off section because it’s made by a small local company. So after perusing the poor selection that was left for 2009, I went to the counter with my one “settled for” calendar and asked for the calendar. The very large boy behind the counter was completely perplexed as I over-explained the calendar. He punched the keys in the computer at the counter but came up with nothing and then asked the manager on his headset. At first it looked as though there was going to be no Nat King Cole for my February this year but then the manager called back on the cashier’s headset and said that these calendars were being packed up to be shipped back and would bring one up to the front for me. Score!

But you see we always have many calendars in our house. I don’t know how it all began but we usually have at least four calendars hanging in the same four locations every year. Now for my home office, I usually have the MikWright calendar but they didn’t make one this year (however they have fab stuff so get to their website immediately – So that meant an additional calendar I would need so I was off to Barnes and Noble.

As I walked into Barnes and Noble, my good shopping senses took me immediately to the calendar section. The usual crap was all you could see on the surface. But see us professionals know you have to look behind the crap to find the decent ones that are left because someone looked at the Erte’ calendar but ended up putting it behind the 365 days of bulldogs calendar. There were some older couples looking for calendars and one aunt that had her two nephews in tow whom she had promised she would buy calendars for on their shopping trip. I found a large one with vintage posters of the National Parks that seemed like a possibility but not so much. Then I walked around to the other side of the calendar discount kiosk. There were some cartoon calendars, an Elvis one, a Marilyn Monroe one, the usual 365 Kitty A Day Calendar (the dog ones always go first and so after the first of the year only the kitty ones are left). Then I saw a “Porn For Women” calendar which had shirtless men doing things like cleaning. One row down I noticed the “Bear Hunter” calendar which I immediately knew had nothing to do with grizzlies but would no doubt feature a few black “bears” (wink, wink). As I flipped it over I saw the twelve pictures that appeared on each month that had shirtless hairy gay men at the top of every month. I was a little surprised to see such an unabashedly gay calendar unwrapped and out on a shelf to be honest. And then, there it was, the “Hung Hunks” calendar. At first I thought that it was my eyes playing tricks on me. Even though the sheets were placed strategically over the naked man’s well, “manhood” as he lay on the satin sheets I knew before I blushingly picked it up (trying to not let Aunt Susan see it or the elderly couple) what I would see on the back. That’s right, twelve men naked with huge hard-ons. There was no perfectly placed wrapping that hid the “members” no, it was a big dick bonanza right out there for the looking published by a gay publishing company. I looked around thinking that everyone must be looking at me looking at the “dick a day” calendar but no one was even looking in the general direction. (In retrospect, perhaps they were purposely trying to not look in that direction, knowing that calendar was there) I stepped back from the kiosk and watched as Aunt Susan guided her nephews to puppies and Hannah Montana.

I don’t know if I was more shocked that the calendar was out there in the open like that or that I was immediately thinking how inappropriate it was to have it out on the shelves like this where Aunt Susan’s nephews might see it. Although the religious right would have you thinking otherwise I didn’t think that it was a great step forward for us gays or that it would indoctrinate or create new gays. No, I was just left feeling that some things were better left on the Internet or in private brown wrappers. I would have felt the same way if there was a calendar out on the shelf that was an “Every Day’s Vagina Day” calendar. And yet there was a real part of me that just felt like a prude, a contemporary to some 1950’s maiden aunt (unlike Aunt Susan). I went in for the half priced calendar and came out an out of date gay. Don’t Get Me Started

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