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In an unhealthy marriage with kids and don't know how to get out.

Updated on September 21, 2008

When Love Isn't Enough

Sometimes we find ourselves in a mariage that seems an impossibility. Many times, marriage counciling helps and others it is a temporary fix. A lot of that depends on the couple's willingness to make the changes needed to keep the relationship alive.

As a survivor of divorce with children, I can honestly say that loving someone and living with them are two different things. Sometimes, no matter how much we love someone, if the other party is not willing to put in the needed affort to make the relationship work, it is up to the other partner to decide if they are able to spend the rest of their life in that situation.

If you try marriage counciling only to find it still isn't working, it may be a situation of loving them but not being able to live with them. However, the most important question you should ask yourself is if it is better to stay together for the sake of the children. I thought that it was and for 6 years stayed in an unhappy marriage. What changed my outlook was when I finally realized what that unhappy relationship was really doing to the children.

Children see and understand much more than we as adults seem to think that they do. What we should realize is that if we only stay because of them, they will eventually figure that out and begin to blame themselves for your unhappiness. This has a long-lasting effect on them, whether we realize it or not. Once I realized the effects on them, I did leave and filed for divorce. Although it was a trying time at that point and required a major commitment on my part to tough it out and do whatever it took to provide for my children, I have since learned that it was the best decision for all of us.

What we need to remember is that everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. It took a while for me to realize (after I met my true soulmate) that all that we had been through in the past was merely a stepping stone to get us to something better. Since I met the man I have now been married to for almost 13 years, We have become a real family! My children now know the real meaning behind a "Daddy" as opposed to the person who fathered them. That has made a tremendous difference in their lives, as in mine.

Whatever your situation, the final decision will be yours but if you are truly honest with yourself about what you want in a relationship as well as whether or not you will achieve those desires from your current relationship, you will be more likely to make the right decision for all concerned.

Bonnie Ramsey


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      turk 6 years ago

      how bad was your husband to the kids?

    • Bonnie Ramsey profile image

      Bonnie Ramsey 10 years ago from United States

      Thanks so much! Funny thing is that when I finally stopped "looking" for the perfect mate and became content with being a single Mom, I met him in the apartment building next door to the one that I lived in! LOL. Nothing happens by coincidence!

    • compu-smart profile image

      Compu-Smart 10 years ago from London UK

      Hi Bonnie. nice tips and may i just add what a perfect couple you both look! Really!!