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In NASCAR We Trust

Updated on March 8, 2007

One Nation, Under NASCAR, I Don't Get It - Don't Get Me Started!

Well again this weekend, Las Vegas will be turned into one of the largest trailer parks in recorded history as the NASCAR fans enter our fine city. It's Thursday and they have all ready started pouring in with their coolers, their guts and are dressed to thrill with their favorite NASCAR t-shirt on (pay no attention to the bean dip stain that just won't seem to come out no matter how much they Shout). You look at these people and you can just see it in their eyes, they are not human, they are from some subterranean place like the oil well at the Jiffy Lube. Do they ever see sunlight or clean fingernails? And yet, according to the profits and the publicity, we're supposed to be, "One Nation, Under NASCAR," I don't get it - Don't Get Me Started!

Now I know you think I'm making some gross exaggerations and/or that I'm stereotyping all of these people and you would be correct. But I ask you, how can I help myself? These are people who sit in bleachers for hours on end to watch cars go around in a circle all day while they eat hot dogs, corn dogs and any other kind of dog that will make them part of the obese majority. These are people who have the mini fridge built into their sectional sofas at home so that they never have to miss a minute of the car going around the track for the 459th time. "Whoa, did ya see him a-goin' down the straightaway?"

Much like the evolution of man you can trace the ancestry of the NASCAR people very easily. Unfortunately, the NASCAR fans seem a bit less evolved then the rest of the universe. Follow their time line along with me of how they became the modern day Neanderthals. They cut their teeth on the WWF wrestling craze, moved up to monster truck pulls and eventually found their home watching a bunch of good old boys race around the track with the Viagra logo on their car.

Is anyone surprised that the whole NASCAR thing seems to be Southern and Christian based? That's right; for the most part you won't see New York Jews all excited about NASCAR. The NASCAR gang is definitely akin to the Maury/Springer set. They have most of their teeth and the only thing worth debating to them is Chevy or Ford. God love them, they are a simple people who are led by marketing people who have taken product placement to a whole other level. What amazes me is how the people in the corporate culture now go on and on about it. I think it's because it really is a sport that doesn't require you to know anything about averages or anything. All you have to know is who crashed, who won and who is endorsing what for you to buy so you can be just like your hero.

Today as I came in to work there was a very long line of people waiting. One quick glance and you know immediately that these people are the NASCAR people waiting for an audience with one of the drivers. I've never been a big autograph hound so this is odd to me to begin with but when you see this bunch you definitely know that they are not waiting in line to meet the Queen. These people look like they're waiting for Van Halen tickets to go on sale in the 80's. (At least from all the big hair the wives and girlfriends are sporting) And what is it about them and coolers? Yes, these people seem to be eternally attached to their coolers. I don't know what they have in the coolers or why they have to have them with them at every moment but apparently, it's a NASCAR man's best friend.

We are such a diverse population of people but it seems the more diverse we get the more we all have to jump on the same bandwagon. I'll watch American Idol with everyone else but I have to draw the line at acting like I'm all excited that the cars are making it around the track again. It's not like they're going across the country or racing down the Strip (like the old Wacky Racers cartoons), it's really just two curves and two straightaways.

Maybe what's happened is that our expectations have all lowered. We no longer cheer the athletes that jump higher, longer or run faster than the wind (see how low the ratings were for the last Olympics compared to any NASCAR broadcast). We want people we can relate to, people who just sit behind the wheel of a car and don't have to loosen their belt when they eat too much because all they have to do is unzip their coveralls a little bit. These are people we can truly make our personal heroes, our modern day messiahs. One Nation, Under NASCAR," I don't get it - Don't Get Me Started!

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