Introspection – Don’t Get Me Started!
Some may think that Yom Kippur is all about the atoning and fasting. Sure I did plenty of both of those but besides leaving technology behind for the day (it wasn't easy not sneaking a peek at the iphone today) the most difficult thing was all the thinking about my life and myself. Introspection - Don't Get Me Started!
I know there are people out there who meditate everyday and that there are people like my cousin who went to a retreat where they spent the first three days not speaking, sitting cross legged and just feeling their breath fall over their upper lip but for most of us, how much time do you really spend thinking about you? Not about how much you weigh, how much you hate your hair or whether or not you should be eating the entire pint of Ben and Jerry's in one sitting. No, I'm talking about who you are, how you conduct yourself on a regular basis and believe it or not, even though it sounds like when you were a little kid, what you want to be when you grow up. Well, this Yom Kippur I did a whole lot of that and I can tell you something, it was exhausting.
I suddenly know why we all fill our days looking at emails, playing with our phones and ipods and racing our kids to every known activity to man. The reason is that you don't have to think about you. How convenient, right? We're all so busy being ourselves that how much time do we really spend just with ourselves in silence letting the thoughts that are usually reserved for late at night when we can't sleep creep into our actual consciousness? Well, I let it all in.
I kept coming back to a central theme. I wanted to call it, "My Trip To Ordinary" because you see from the first moment I can remember I wanted to be a star. Not just in show business but I mean a part of it in such a way that you could only get if you were Liza Minnelli and your parents were Judy Garland and Vincent Minnelli. I wanted everyone to know my name, to want to be me and more importantly I wanted to do it all just by being me. Well, if you've read any of my other blog entries you know that I call myself the "greatest never was been there ever was" and while it's fun to laugh at, it's truer than any of you might know. So starting out wanting to be a legend in "the show business" and ending up as an Executive Assistant with two cats and the same man in my life for twenty years I would say I'm as normal as normal can be. No glitter, no press releases, just me so in a lot of ways I feel as though I went from being on stage at an early age to finding myself where I never thought that I'd be...among the normal folk. And I don't know that I'm very happy with it at all.
True, I began this blog and have had some success with it but it's not Scott Baio success and that's what I was after but after I got through the first hour or so of thinking about how I wasn't in "the show business" anymore I began to really think about me and who I've become. I'm a caring person who has never been fired from a job, always made things better when I left than when I started a project whether it was something corporate or a musical and I'm loved and I know it. You see, the hard part is that last part, knowing that you're loved. It's taken me a long time, always subscribing to the Groucho Marx theory - "I would never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member" - for a very long time I couldn't fathom why anyone would like or dare I say it, love me outside my parents who are Jewish co-dependents of the highest order and loving me is not an option for them, it exudes out of every pore.
The thing is that I encourage you whether your Jewish or not, to take a day to isolate yourself from everything but yourself and do some serious thinking. I don't know if I was able to atone for every sin I managed to create in the last year but I know I came out of that day with a better understanding of myself and a better attitude about me. It didn't start out that way and there were some tough moments but I feel as though I faced the biggest demon in my life, myself. And I lived to tell the tale in all its sadness, happiness, humor and unexpected glory of discovering there was a lot to love about myself. Introspection - Don't Get Me Started!
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