Jessica Alba's Magical Celebrity Childbirth Secret
I've never given birth myself, but I do hear that it is, generally speaking, a horrifically painful affair, full of screaming and bleeding and tearing and sutures and other horrors which have prompted me to don a chastity belt whenever a male is within a thirty mile radius, just in case.
But Jessica Alba's recent tales of childbirth have rather made me wonder if perhaps I had misunderstood the whole process. Apparently its much more like a sweetly spiritual affair with puppies and rainbows and little birds delivering scented honey dew on rose petal cups.
According to Jessica, not only did she not scream during labor and the birthing process, but the whole thing was very Zen in nature. Instead of begging for an epidural and cursing at her fiancee for implanting a human in her, she simply did yoga breathing, and claimed that instead of being a massive bodily trauma that took several days to recover from, birth was more "like meditation."
During the inevitable (1.5 million dollar) interview with OK Magazine, Jessica told the following tales about the birth:
"I didn't scream...It was really Zen."
"The labor was more like meditation," she says. "I did yoga breathing. I was focused."
Zen and Yoga! The best parts of two great and vastly different spiritual traditions, smooshed together into a handy package that even the most materialistic and shallow chapettes can master within just a few months. And to think that monks spend years in ascetic training, renouncing the pleasures of the world in order to turn inwards and master their emotions to the point where they can separate the sensations and desires of the body from the state of the mind. How peeved they must be to know that Jessica Alba has managed to master such a difficult technique in almost no time at all!
I wondered when I read her story, was birth this easy for all celebrities? Is there a magical celebrity secret that allows famous beautiful women to give birth without breaking a sweat? I dug around for some evidence and found that Jamie Lynn Spears apparently also had an equally easy birth, telling OK magazine: "They'd told me it would be an eight- to 12-hour labor, and I was ready to have the baby in three to four hours. I had a perfect pregnancy and a perfect delivery. I was very blessed."
What is their secret? Why, being famous, of course! Being a celebrity makes everything in life easier! Just when I was starting to get cynical about the whole 'celebrity' thing, here is fresh evidence that they really are better than normal human beings.