Lindsay Lohan Is The Next Contestant On Celebrity Drunk Tank
I'm done with Lindsay Lohan (and you should be too)
I'm done do you hear me? Absolutely done with all of these drunken drugged up celebrities and their multiple violations of driving drunk taking other people's lives in their unworthy hands (notice I didn't say anything about the celebs' lives because if they're driving drunk they all ready chose to think so little of their own life that I have no real concern for them). When will enough be enough and why are we so forgiving or desperately seeking their photographs? I can't get excited or even interested in looking at the latest mug shot posted on http://www.tmz.com/ and I'm just wondering why everyone else doesn't feel the same way? Our next contestant on Celebrity Drunk Tank is Lindsay Lohan - Don't Get Me Started!
From the May 29, 2007 Don't Get Me Started Blog, here's my big idea for the Celebrity Drunk Tank...
I just think it's about time we show the world that we're not as stupid and starry eyed as we look when it comes to celebrities taking the lives of others in their hands because they were drunk. I'm suggesting that it's time to make a celebrity jail. It won't be like Promises (the famous Malibu rehab that most stars go to get away from their legal responsibilities when driving under the influence or other legal troubles). No, the celeb prison would be a place where there are only celebrities so they wouldn't have to worry about being with the rest of prison population but they would have to pay to have it built and they would have to pay at least $1,000 a day to stay there. Already we could build a Mel Gibson, Brandy, Paris and Lohan wing (and that's just the drunk tank). Similar to the way they treated the famous drunk, "Otis" in Mayberry on the Andy Griffith show, the celebs would just sit on display and anyone could come and look at them like animals in a zoo. This would create additional revenue and would assist the stars from not going into withdrawals from the press not following them. You could pay $10 to just watch them in their cells detoxing and for an extra $25 you could taunt them with your cell phone as you watch them go ballistic because they haven't been able to text anyone the entire time they've been in jail. This would also serve as a way to show everyone that these celebs are no better than anyone else and in fact they're a little more pathetic than most of us. Big signs would read, "Don't feed the prisoners egos."
As you can see, it would make money and also do something that no one else seems to do when it comes to these drunken celebs, let them know that they've gone too far and there's a price to pay. Who cares if they're humiliated or their egos are bruised? Didn't they all ready choose to do that all by themselves getting out of limos drunk without panties or going on racial tirades? Oh, I forgot, Mr. Gibson doesn't hate Jews (like his father who claims the Holocaust was just made up by the Jews and didn't really exist) no it was just because he was drunk. Yeah, right.
For years I've contemplated becoming an alcoholic because I wanted to be able to say whatever the fuck I want and have my friends and family make excuses for me and enable me. You know, I could say something really vicious and hateful and then my friend would say to the recipient of my poisonous tongue lashing (who is sitting there dazed, shocked and in disbelief that anyone would say what I did), "Oh, I'm so sorry. Scott was never like this before...well before the...you see, it's just that...well <whispering and doing that shoulders up with cringing face look> it's the alcohol." I'd spend my days and nights being perfectly hideous to everyone and blaming the hooch for all of it. What a wonderful dream and I guess that's what the celebs like about it. They're never really held accountable. Well, now that I think about...where do I sign up? I promise I won't drive but I want that whole being nasty and no consequences, having people pay your bills, pick you up off the floor and buy you another round.
You see, I've put in forty-two years of "towing the line" and being the good friend, brother, son, spouse to everyone. I don't miss birthdays (calls, cards and often gifts), I listen to them go on endlessly about shit that doesn't matter all the while not only acting interested but giving appropriate responses that are much more than how a therapist would respond. No, "uh huh"..."mmm, I see what you mean" here but actual responses (when I can get a word in edgewise). I want to be done with being a good person and become a big drunken shitheel! There's a line from the Neil Simon movie, Only When I Laugh that James CoCo delivers about wanting to be a big star that applies here. "Oh God, I wanna be a star so bad. I don't mean a little star; I want to be a big star. With three agents and a business manager and a press agent. And then I would fire all of them and I would hire new ones because I am such a big star. And I would make everybody pay for the twenty-two years I have poured into this business. I wouldn't do benefits, I wouldn't give money to charities; I would become one of the great shitheels of all time. Isn't that a wonderful dream, Georgia?"
Of course there are more than a few problems with this plan. You see I'm not all that fond of the taste of alcohol and when I do drink it has to be a good brand otherwise I'm not getting involved at all. A Grey Goose or Belvedere extra extra extra dirty martini straight up with blue cheese olives is about as serious as I get when it comes to alcoholic beverages. Usually it's cranberry and Absolut (because it helps the urinary tract at the same time) or something that tastes as little like alcohol as possible, like a Mojito or some other frilly drink. (But the frilly drinks are killer to throw up so they're out for this plan)
You see, us Jews don't drink on the whole, we eat. We get drunk on a good buffet with white fish and some decent lox instead of Heinekens. The next reason I couldn't do it is because I couldn't be passing out all over God's creation. (See pic of Nick Nolte's recent pass out in the airport from tmz.com) Finally, it would make me smoke cigarettes. Like most gays, I like having a cocktail (say the full word, boys) and a cigarette to gesture with in hopes of being just a little more like Bette Davis. Oh, make no mistake about it; I don't want to mince around in drag. I just want to have a cocktail and cigarette in the same hand, pointing at people and saying things like, "You...yes, you over there. <takes drag off cigarette and sip from martini then blowing smoke in someone else's general direction> what the hell have you got on? You've got to be over forty and you're going sleeveless with capris on? I don't care what your grandmother wore putting the clothes out on the line, you look like a smacked ass! Has anyone ever told you that? <changes the cocktail into the other hand, takes another drag off the cigarette then flicks the ashes pointedly> Well now someone has! Get out of my sight, you!" Okay, don't normally explain stuff like this but that last dialogue is very funny to me on many levels 1) I've gotten more shit about the forty and sleeveless blog than any other blog I've written (read it here with all the comments... http://hubpages.com/hub/Do_Not_Go_Sleeveless_After_Forty_Just_Trust_Me_On_This_One ) 2) My grandmother did wear sleeveless blouses all the time and yes, while putting the clothes out on the line and 3) My other grandmother used to use the phrase "You look like a smacked ass" whenever I wore something she didn't think was nice or appropriate.
I've read all the comments people leave on websites about how they feel so badly for Lindsay Lohan or Paris or even Mel Gibson but I don't feel one bit sorry for them. I don't want to hear about the pressures they have because I could make any of their stupid shit look like a walk in the park. I think it's time we let Lindsay Lohan slip into obscurity. Do we really need her? I don't think so. I'm actually surprised that the execs at VH1 haven't thought about the whole Celebrity Drunk Tank show all ready. (But remember kids, you heard it here first so when they create it I can sue - cause after all, that's what we Jews do, right?) Our next contestant on Celebrity Drunk Tank is Lindsay Lohan - Don't Get Me Started!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com