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Love Means Never Having To Say You Farted

Updated on February 14, 2007

Love changes but there are some single celebrities out there waiting for you

I know that those of you who read the blog every day are expecting a jaded and sarcastic blog on today, the day of St. Valentine's (and it could still happen). But really today I'm thinking about the fact that I have been with the same man for over 18 years now and I still love him like crazy. It's true what they say about love changing through the years; what once started out with you getting up earlier than him to brush your teeth and futz with your hair to look perfect when he awoke has definitely changed now love means never having to say you farted - Don't Get Me Started!

(read more rants from Scott at )

Still I consider myself more than lucky that I found someone to love who loves me too. As I was in Starbuck's this morning there were two separate women standing there waiting for their coffee. They looked as though they hadn't had sex with anyone since the late 80's and standing among the wall-to-wall valentine's merchandising was just kind of sad to watch. I wondered what they might be feeling and then it was my turn at the counter. One of the baristas who knows my name (and she says it continually) yet I don't know hers (Starbucks needs to put nametags on their people) wishes me a good Valentine's Day and when I return the sentiment, she rolls her eyes and goes on a mini tirade about how much the holiday sucks because she doesn't have anyone.

Here's the deal, between the Internet and daily life everyone should at least be able to find a date. True, if I'm really honest with myself, the only men I attracted when I was "on the market" were the men in their sixties who wore big red Sally Jesse glasses and used the starting line, "Say there." I cringe even now thinking about it. Yes, there are some real losers and bastards out there but unless you sleep with them (I mean date them) you'll never find out. It's not that I'm saying everyone should be promiscuous (especially with all the diseases out there) but let's face it, even if you never slept with another person you might end up with restless leg syndrome or bird flu because the world is obsessed with creating new diseases to kill you and medicate you for every ten seconds. If there is a point to be made (and I admit I confused myself there too) it is that you should never lose the hope of the possibility that there is someone out there for you. You also need to make it happen. Let me give you two quotes from two very important women in my life. As my grandmother would say about finding someone, "There's a lid for every pot." And as my mother says continually, "You have to plan your work and work your plan."

And for those of you not "dated up" for tonight; let's take a look at who is available for you in the celebrity singles scene:

  • Howard K. Stern - slimy but a lawyer, someone to consider if you don't mind a leech and need someone to get you some prescription medicine
  • Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl - one prettier than the other but both available currently (one in paperback)
  • Anne Heche - men, women, crazies all welcome and she's currently available
  • Michael Jackson - but let's face it, would you even want to come close to him?
  • Britney Spears - you'd need to boil her before you did anything with her but she is available (choose the panties option)
  • Kevin Federline - if you date him you don't have to feel bad about not accomplishing anything in your life
  • Paula Abdul - has a hit show even though she's not aware of it due to whatever medication she appears to be on. You could date her for months without her ever knowing

There are many more celebrities available (just look in every rehab) but I say, get your ass up, go over to that co-worker or complete stranger today and say, "I'm lonely as hell and I really just want to find out how much worse you are than me at having interpersonal relationships so that I can feel better about myself. Wanna grab a coffee?" This could be the start of a beautiful friendship or a court order of protection. So the message today is go for it. Sex you can always pay for but when it comes to love, love is established by being included in the will and love means never having to say you farted. - Don't Get Me Started!


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