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Miss America Camp

Updated on August 7, 2007

Pageant Camp: Becoming Miss America, without gays? Puhlease!

Miss America Camp - Don't Get Me Started!

Although I am not a die hard fan of the Miss America pageant, I do watch it every year. Yes, even now that they ripped it from its home in Atlantic City and brought it to Las Vegas as well as its journey from being a network favorite to being relegated to the Country Music Television Network. Neither of these moves are anything I understand but as times change, I supposed everything changes with it and Miss America is no exception. I just finished watching the two hour special called Pageant School, where for the first time they brought the contestants together earlier than the pageant and put them through their paces in goofy competitions to help them prepare for the pageant. Here's the problem, not one gay was present in helping the girls get themselves ready. Okay, there was one, Michael Feinstein (who should just play the piano and not sing) who is going to be a judge but he is hardly what I'm talking about here. I've been around the pageants and let me tell you that for every girl, sorry, woman up there, there are at least seven male "queens" camping it up and making it happen. Miss America camp - Don't Get Me Started!

First was the walking competition and perhaps I've watched too much America's Next Top Model but I did expect to see someone of the likes of Ms. Jay from that show helping the girls out but no. Then there was the makeup challenge showing the girls the most common missteps taken by pageant girls when it comes to their makeup. Well, let's face it Max Factor started it all and there have been so many men makeup artists since then (the master Kevin Aucoin - God rest his soul) that I was sure we would see a made up man but no, some Asian woman whose makeup was too shiny for camera was helping them out. Next up, dance so now I'm sure I'm going to see me someone who is as lispy and delightful as they come. Oh no, it's two male country singers in some band no one has ever heard of teaching country line dancing. (Forget ballet everyone, line dancing is the art of dance at its best and the roots of all dancing) So having seen the whole show I am now sure that the Miss America pageant and the Country Music Television Network made a very conscious choice not to include what we all know to be true. The women wear the gowns but the real queens behind the scenes are showing them how to get the crowns.

Okay, I get it that it's "nicer" for America (especially those rednecks watching the CMT channel) to see ex-Miss Americas, a southern pageant coach (who reminds you a lot of Candice Bergen from Miss Congeniality) and a Jewish (but so highlighted and done up she could easily pass for a southern Baptist) top tenner from one of the 90's pageants as the experts as opposed to a bunch of flitty queens on camera but let me just tell you, go to a preliminary sometime, even on the state level and you tell me who is shelpping the gowns in the big garment bags for those gals and showing them how to do everything from hair, makeup, walk, talk and Vaseline on the teeth. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that eight times out of ten (and I really think it could be higher) you'll find a gay behind the gal.

Let's face it Miss America is queer so get used to it. The whole idea of pageants is odd to begin with but some boys over the years have embraced it as their way to make a living and are living in mansions thanks to it. I know if I didn't have a conscience I would have made millions coaching some fat and some fabulous pageant girls. Perhaps there's still a chance to go back to it for me. God knows I've made a lot of non-dancers look like dancers during my days of choreographing for dinner theater. But here's the deal, like it or not, if you want to see the gay stereotype in action, all you have to do is get within seven hundred feet of a pageant. So to not be represented at all during this two hour extravaganza was a little disappointing.

Not only were there not enough gays, I get what they were trying to do and they got it all wrong. Had they really wanted to go after the reality television market with this thing (which is the feel of it and how it's shot) they would have made it more than one night, let people call in to vote for the winner on a live final episode and would have edited it for more drama. But I guess that there are some things that would make the pageant people squirm. Oddly enough, it's not putting baby wigs on kids with no hair so that they can compete at six months or putting in false teeth covers on them but somehow bringing the pageant fully into reality television was something that they obviously felt uncomfortable with (for now). Maybe next year it will get blown out a little more but it looked very tentative and as though they were only getting their toes wet.(Much like their power swim suits, pretty to look at but you don't go diving all the way in wearing one)

In this day and age where (God help us) young female role models are Paris Hilton (and here's a tip girls, she was born into is so if you weren't born an heiress you all ready have problems achieving this type of fame and fortune) there is something old school and nice about some women up there in gowns, suits and crowns who will at least say the right things to be perceived as a role model. (Are you listening you drugged, drunked up, Miss U.S.A., Tara Conner?) Oh I'll be watching on Monday night when the pageant is on (and not JUST because Mario Lopez is the host) and you best believe that every time they scan that audience I'll be looking to see our boys, cleaned up and looking their manly best for the night and to get on camera. You can always tell the boys because they're doing their best conservative suit but the lapel really defines them, you'll see a crown pin encrusted with Swarovski crystals. They'll claim that one of the former girls they coached gave it to them but they really ordered it online and had it sent in their mother's name to their address. You can take the boy out of camp you just can't get the camp out of the boy. Miss America camp - Don't Get Me Started!

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