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Mistress Confessions Part II

Updated on April 1, 2008

Ten Things Every Mistress Should Know...and then some

So, you couldn't find a way or simply didn't want to "let go" of him? You made a choice that is unacceptable in many circles, and now you are searching for a way to live with that decision.

Once you've gotten someone "in your blood", it doesn't make a damn bit of difference what your marital status is or theirs, because one or both of you have been so moved by what you feel that you can't help but to be a part of each other's lives...indefinitely.

So, are you frustrated or just curious? Either way, whether you are the "other woman" or simply trying to maintain one - neither is very easy to do. Let me begin by telling you what you probably already know about me, yourself, and just about every other woman in the world. At some point in our lives, we have all wanted to be that fairy tale princess we grew up hearing so much about.

We often spend hours daydreaming about meeting a handsome prince (or princess depending on your preference), and after embarking upon some great misadventure, the object of our affection falls madly in love with us before we ride off into the sunset.

But here's the clinker: In real life - the prince is married!

And some of us (you) want him anyway!

People have often asked me if my opinions have been gleaned from personal experience. The answer is of course is - "yes" and "no". But what I am willing to confess is that over the last fifteen years or so, I have been approached by both men and women for what I have always considered to be "practical advice" on how to manage certain dilemmas in one's personal relationships.

There is a point in each of our lives, when we believe that any and all things are possible - if only we believe that it can be so.

And yet, very few of us have really experienced enough of this thing called "life" in an unabashed and honest manner to accurately define our own personal social and or ethical boundaries.

I believe that this is because we often spend too much of our time trying to do and act in whatever fashion that we think is expected from us by society. The unfortunate truth about this faux pas is that the social mores by which we are gauging ourselves, are ones which were created and practiced in the nineteen forties and fifties!

In other words, many of us have yet to decide what it is that we really want for ourselves and exactly what kind of behavior we are willing to allow others to bestow upon us and how much of their experiences we will ultimately take on as our own "emotional baggage".

Over the years, I have had the privilege of making the acquaintance of more than one respectable mistress, as well as a number of men who have "kept" or "keep" them. Conversely, I have also had quite a few enlightening conversations with several wives who happened to know full well what both the men and their mistresses were up to!

After listening to these and other women talk about the things that they "think" they want for themselves and their relationships. I stood by helplessly and watched them go about trying to achieve their "goals" in some of the most asinine and dishonest ways imaginable!

Therefore, it is my sincere hope that this series will serve to strip away some of the misconceptions and illusions that both sexes have about each other and themselves. I will attempt to remove some of the archaic moralistic beliefs and "damned be thee to hell" judgments that many writings of this nature tend to reflect.

I do not claim for an instant to know you or your situation, and although I may have had similar experiences, I don't remember God or any other divine or "Supreme Being" placing me in a position to judge you or anyone else. I only know that love can be a difficult thing at times and it is extremely hard to see beyond one's own pain and confusion whenever the heart is involved.

My own personal journeys have allowed me to encounter various types of people, some of whom were openly involved in unconventional relationships. And although some of the scenarios that you will find come from personal experience, most are the results of reflection upon the experiences of those whose pain and confusion I have encountered over the years.

Our Western society can be very quick to defer us to marriage or relationship counselors, psychics and psychiatrists. These professionals do have something to offer in the way of guidance to those who can afford their services.

But even these fortunate souls will often leave these hallowed offices feeling as though there were something irrevocably and sinfully amiss in their lives. I for one do not adhere to that particular school of thought. We live and we love. Period. I do not believe that a person can truly choose whom they will love in their lifetime any more than they chose to be born into this world in the first place.

We continually go through different stages in our lives and subsequently in our loving of others throughout the course of that life. Inevitably there will be times when a little something extra is needed for us to hold onto while groping to get to the other side of any given situation or ordeal.

No one can say for certain what lies on the "other side" of your circumstance, but I do strive to at least distract you from your pain long enough for the initial wounds to heal, so that you may perhaps begin to build yourself a bridge.

Remember: There is no magic or divine wisdom involved in what is expressed in this diatribe...only common sense!


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    • profile image

      Mrs Wife 

      5 years ago

      Ladies, let us being adult women and honest.

      1) Of course you can control who you love. To say otherwise is foolish. That's like saying, you cannot control what you eat or what you do.

      2) A woman who enters s relationship with a married man is lonely with a limited moral structure. Once you decide to enter a wrong relationship, all the justifications afterward are just excuses.

      3) If you do fall into this fix, ladies, for yourselves, end the relationship and all contact with the married man ASAP!.

      4) As antiquated and old fashioned as this may sound, all women who are involved with married men have forgotten that Christ loves them. Christ did not die on the Cross for you to sit at home and wait for a married man. No man is worth hell. Particularly a man who is married to someone else.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I was a mistress for over a year. It was wonderfull and crappy all in the same. He is in "the middle of a divorce", and he just had that spark I couldn't stay away from. From being in this secret realationship, it lead me to a secret life into drugs. I abused myself through the last half of the year because I thought I couldn't handle. So one day I had enough of it all and got word to the wife about the affair and got help for myself. In the end, I hurt him and his family. He hates me and will never forgive me. I cant even forgive myself, but I lost myself and my mind in the process. Im upset and glad at where im at today.. But i do miss him, and cant be more sorry for my actions.. Its not worth the heart ache or confusion, but it was worth the attraction

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I only know that love can be a difficult thing at times and it is extremely hard to see beyond one's own pain and confusion whenever the heart is involved. - this broke my heart. Really.

      I will never regret having to go thru the experience of being a mistress. I never even expected him to leave his wife for me. I'm just happy it happened. I left the so called relationship and started picking up the pieces.. I'm happy now. But, whenever I see something that would remind me of him, I still smile.. Cry, even. :-)

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I have totally fallen for a married man.

      I met hiim in Jan 11 and only talked and dance on nights out.

      Then in november '11 I decided to leave my husband and I spent the first night with him. Which I can honestly say was mind blowing!

      Since then, we are in-seperable. BUT... he has a wife in another country with a 2 yr old daughter whom he adores.

      I believe he was the push I needed to get out of my marriage, as I no longer loved my husband.

      He told me at the very beginning he would not leave his wife and child and he has a good family network in the other country.

      However, he spends 3 weeks with me and then 4 days with his wife and family, which kills me.

      Although I love this man, as much as i have tried to break it off, neither of us can't.

      He will be going back to his family around christmas time and as he is on a 2-yr contract in the uk.

      He might be relocated anywhere in the world, or or might come back to the uk for another contract - in which case he will be back with me.

      I am feeling so unhappy now as I am aware I only have a few months left with him and I am becoming very ill by not eating over this.

      If anyone has any advice how to help me through this mess, I would appreciate any advice.

      I am in my mid 30's so I am not a youngster who doesn't know her heart and mind, I am very much so in control of it - I just need strength to do what I need to do.

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      same here, being a mistress was not easy. The author puts this into words very well. You cannot control who you love and who he loves.....why the heck are so many dang people married!? j/k

      truly though. i feel wth regards to the stages in life, we are ever truly ready for our real true lifelong soul mates when we are much older. I watched too many people settle for somoene too early in life, many unhappy now, and many friends in their 40s now that divorced finally and regret waiting so long. They feel so FREE.

      Marriage is not being used as it was ORIGINALLY intended for people. Google it. Give yourself a history lesson. People in today's society have this fairytale unrealistic idea that they can remain married forever....nope. Not in most cases. Reality check. Now people get married too soon, enter the AFFAIRS.

      I may not want to marry anytime soon (im in my 30s), but I want to date someone and not have to share him. Sorry. It was just too painful for me.

    • profile image

      Mortisha Daniella 

      7 years ago

      I can relate, I'm also having an affair with a married man, but we are good friends and we are colleagues as well, his my confidante until one day, we just realize how special we are to each other, until his wife and kids comes back in the same country, and it makes my whole world crazy, I promised myself to be righteous and let him go but he always make it up to me and now, we are still together, I know it will never be same like before, limitations are always there but what matters most is he respect and love me and I do the same thing to him. Honestly I dont know what the future lies ahead but I know somehow and somewhere there's always a reason for everything.All I know is that I wanted him to be happy and as long as I can manage whatever we have, I'll always holding on... no matter what...

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      I met this guy at the office where I am working, he also has a position and is married with 2 kids. He started to text and call me everyday and eventually I started to like him. We see each other everyday and I started to get attached to him. I am really trying very hard to let go because I know this will lead to nothing but I just can't. I really hope someday I'd be able to find the courage to let go.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      It is very difficult to be a mistress.It pains a lot everytime he is with his wife.It's been seven long years of crying & anxiety.I want to get over it but my great love for him stops me.

    • ELFNTRU profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from United States

      My goodness!! This one has set so many people on fire!! I wanted to take the time to let you all know that I am back and I will be posting more on this subject. Let's see how much more trouble I can cause. I respect and appreciate each and every one of you. You may not know it...but you are helping a lot of people who are in this kind of situation by sharing your own experiences....thank you!

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      im already commeted and we have i child my husband is ofw, but i fell inlove with dis married man and he loves me so much.. he gives me lots of time calling every day, give all i want also finacial suppport.. but i want to stop being mistress i think that i love my husbAND more than my love so pls,give me some advice how to quit from it.. i dont want to lose my husband..

    • profile image

      Young and dumb.. 

      7 years ago

      I'm in my early 20's and have been seeing a

      Guy for 7months. We met out in a bar and he was down for business, we started chatting and he told me he hadn't been married and had no children.

      Something about him drew me to him.. We went back to his hotel and slept together. Since then he has moved to the City I live, with his wife and children. He told me about 2 weeks after we met he was married.. I tried to stop talking to him but I couldn't. We have been catching g up in other states and in hotel rooms. No matter what I do I cannot stop thinking about him- we text everyday.

      Last week I tried to stop it saying to him it isn't fair on me or his family- we didn't last 24hours without talking.

      He has asked me to tell him if I see or sleep with anyone else. He wants me to spend the week with him next week- when I asked why he said so he can spend more then a few hours with me.

      He tells me I'm the only one but he's a very attractive charming man with a very very respectable job as a CEO in a well known company.

      And I worry he has woman all over the country and he's always in different states.

      Can anyone give me any advice on what to do or if they have been in a similar situation?

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      I feel for you 'four way triangle'. I am in a similar situation. It's tough and at times I am conflicted, but it comes down to a simple fact. I love.

    • profile image

      diehard romantic 

      7 years ago

      I am in love with a married man. We have only been seeing each other for 7 months but the pain feels like I have been enduring it a lot longer.On Valentine's day his wife confronted me about whether or not we were having an affair. I had wanted to tell her before to end my pain,,,but he begged me not to. So I lied to her. I think she knows because he has had affairs before. He tells me that he loves me i want to tell her the truth, because I want the pain to end. I don't think she is hurt by anything he does...she has made up her mind to stay with him regardless. I know I want him to feel pain like I feel and she is the only one that is capable of making him suffer.

    • profile image

      ex wife 

      7 years ago

      ever since my soon to be ex husband moved in with his girlfriend i want to do the same and get together with a married man why does this not feel wrong to me?

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      I had an affair with married man and im trying to stop it bec of pain caused every time he's with his wife & children... and the feeling being helpless of the situation and hurting in silence can go me insane... i hope some can truly and siincere advice..

    • profile image

      Doc Rivers 

      8 years ago

      I met a guy a work and I knew that he was married. He spoke to me one day concerning him and his wife were breaking up. We flirted a while and later on it ended up being sexual. Now that everything is okay with his wife, he has distanced hiself from me and now I am stuck with all these feelings. It isn't good being the "other woman". I would not suggest no one doing this. It hurst everyone in the long run.

    • ELFNTRU profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from United States

      Dear ab0919,

      I am sorry that someone put you through this ordeal. Unfortunately,(and we rarely see it coming)your former partner was using you. I have the feeling that you are a fairly empathetic individual,which gives you much credit as a human being - but also makes you vulnerable to those who feign distress.

      As to whether or not you should "tell her" - don't!! Believe it or not, she probably already knows and now it is up to her to decipher his actions.

      This is of course given that he does not pose a danger to her physical well being.

      Screw his advice and let him do his own dirty work.

      Cut the ties. Stop taking his calls,e-mails or whatever

      and START A HUB!!! ;)

      You are doing the right thing by moving on...but that means just that...move on and don't take any essence of him (also known as "baggage") with you.


    • profile image


      8 years ago

      ok ive got a ? for everyone. i was in love with this guy with him for 5 yrs

      even planing a wedding with him. i always thought he was with other ppl but i never

      could find out. well we finally ended the relationship i had so many questions to ask

      after we ended if he ever did that to me. so we both moved on, after 6 months he started

      calling and wanting to see me. so we hooked back up like we use to,not knowing he was with

      someone new. so now he was with me and lied to another where he was. should i tell her knowing

      that i always thought he done this on me when we were together? I Shouldn't protect his lie.

      By telling her this i feel bad about my actions its not for vengeance. Ive moved on from him and found a

      great guy. he knows this and says i should tell her, what should i do?

    • profile image

      four way triangle 

      9 years ago

      what if both are married, after 20 years, the mister,and the mistress have found their soul mates.An extreemly painful situation.Both of us are over 40 with grown kids, and tired, beat to death marriages. With the possiblity of losing everything we have worked a life time for, and still, can't seen to stay away from eachother. If we walk away, we will regreat and have the heart ache for the rest of our lives.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      having a mistress is hard thing to do but its harder to keep it a secret to everyone close to you esp your to your wife.. but the hardest part is fighting your concience..

    • profile image

      ~*Sexy Sexy*~ 

      10 years ago

      Wat happened to just imagining your spouse is that person you are crushing on, when your in bed together. It tends to help spice things up. most of the time cheating is a result of one person getting tired of the same old thing. When your eyes start to wonder, it's time to spice it up a little(sex counseling)..LOL..

    • BklynBandette profile image


      10 years ago from Bklyn., New York

      WOW! This is all Mind Blowing to me.

    • profile image

      Dr Clean 

      10 years ago

      And who knowns where she has had dipped!

    • Stacie Naczelnik profile image

      Stacie Naczelnik 

      10 years ago from Seattle

      While I try not to judge...well, cheating is cheating. Even beyond the emotional betrayal, there are too many health risks involved for me to advocate anyone having or being a mistress. Who knows where he's dipping?

    • Lemmings profile image


      10 years ago

      Lemmings are true to their partners.

    • profile image

      Michel Didtlove 

      10 years ago

      To those once again judging both the mistress and the writer:

      The entire concept of confessing to the spouse is the biggest cruelty and example of hate I've ever encountered, it's purely designed to hurt the other person, it's another example of our puritan society where one thinks that by confessing one can absolve oneself of responsibility.

      If you've done something that you're not proud of, keep it to yourself, don't burden others with it, grow up.

      Having relationships outside of relationships has been going on since Adam and Eve found other males and females existed and will continue to go on, stop being so preoccupied with sex, an intellectual mistress is more dangerous to the wife than a sexual mistress.

      I'm also tired of this one sided "the wife is always being wronged", how about the women who have "misters", no one shows much sympathy to the husbands.

      Why is that?

    • profile image

      Morals Inspector 

      10 years ago

      Your mother would be so proud.

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      frustrated or curious? I don't really know. All I know is that I cannot stop myself!

      Me too I dreamt often about being the fairy tale princess, so I understand what you are saying.

    • rolandfrasier profile image


      10 years ago from San Diego, California, USA

      Very interesting series. I came in to the middle here but now I'm going to check out the others! Thanks!

    • singpec476 profile image


      10 years ago from Not Too Far Away

      I agree with Rydo78 we have no control over who loves us and who we fall in love with. Great hub and insight.

    • J D Murrah profile image

      J D Murrah 

      10 years ago from Refugee from Shoreacres, Texas


      Your hub contains some fascinating insights concerning how a paramour thinks. You have managed to put many things into words that people struggle with. An intriguing read.

    • Rydo78 profile image


      10 years ago from Oregon

      I have been on both sides of this and it is never good. Yet I find myself always to be in the dark when it comes to explaining how i ended up where i did. I have been devastated and broken and I have been the cause of pain. One thing is true though we cannot help who we come to love or who comes to love us. Circumstances are never ours to decide. While we always have a choice, it seems hard to deny the feelings we have for another.

    • Richardbradz profile image


      10 years ago

      hiy i wanna love me i am 19 male from philipind

      my amiel

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      IF you are married and find yourself falling for someone else or even just wanting an outside sexual relationship - BE HONEST with the person you pledged to love, honor, and cherish forever. Cheating and Lying to a spouse is flat out wrong, and I know it happens, but, it's devastating for the one being cheated on. If you love someone enough to marry them, love them enough to tell them you have cheated or are considering it. I'm sure many will disagree, but that was my initial response.

    • ELFNTRU profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from United States


      Please feel free to comment "anonymously" if you like on any of my Hubs. You can even create yourself an account and become a "secret" fan. Don't worry no one will know who you are - but again feel free to express yourself! In the meantime - Thanks for stopping by! :)

    • profile image


      10 years ago



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