Mistress Confessions: Part VI (con't): Learning How NOT to Compromise in a Relationship
Know Thyself - Love Thyself - Be Thyself... and then Get Real!
The title of this section reads that way for a reason. It is important that you learn how NOT to compromise everything that you think you are or that which you have come to believe - all for the sake of being in a relationship.
Many of us just can't stand the thought of being rejected again by anyone, let alone by someone who we're pretty sure that we have fallen in love with. But unfortunately, rejection happens for a variety of reasons and it happens quite a few times before you find "the one" person that you think you are looking for in your life.
The most familiar reason for a rift in our relationships is that we eventually reach the "falling out" phase or have a significant "difference of opinion" regarding a school of thought or a particular way of behaving that doesn't mesh with our ideals or moral values or beliefs. Whatever the individual case may be, this is usually the point when we begin to utilize what we believe to be "compromises" in an effort to repair the problem.
I say "we" because this is something both men and women have a tendency to do in any relationship that they are attempting to hold together. The problem is that many of us have become more than a little confused about the things that we should and should not compromise in the name of love.
Let's face it, there are some quirky people out there who desire and deserve to be involved in a relationship, and who want to be loved and appreciated just as much as you do. And some of them are "fine as hell" - but they are still quirky, weird, a trip, touched, or whatever term you'd prefer to use for them!
Now - the catch here is that the term "quirky" (along with the others) is used very lightly here, because one person's sense of quirkiness may be another person's sense of normalcy. My point is that you must always remember to remain true to who you are and the things that you believe are right for your life.
There are many, many, individuals in this world and a good number of them share the same ideals and values. We just have to learn to be patient sometimes about finding that other person who has "quirks" that match up with our own.
For example, (and this is another extreme) if a couple professes that they are both religious, however, one of them is a Christian and the other is a Satanist - well let's just say that I don't believe that any form of a compromise of values, beliefs or practices in this particular situation would really be considered a "fair compromise" to either of them. Nor would it be an honest one.
There are very few people who have what it takes to maintain a James Carville / Mary Matalin relationship. Also, it helps to have the means (be it money or obligations) to distract oneself from the friction that I can only guess such a relationship would create. Mr. & Mrs. Carville are both EXTREMELY passionate about their political beliefs and if you are old enough to remember their banters on Nightline - you'd have thought the news of their getting married was a hoax too! Love can be a strange and wonderful thing. *
* (There was no intention to reference or infer that James Carville or Mary Matalin were representatives of either Christians and or Satanists. I know nothing of their religious beliefs and I respect their right to express their political opinions.)
There is nothing that will spark negativity and mistrust in a relationship faster than lingering feelings of resentment. Resentment in a relationship can grow from our being dishonest with ourselves and consequently with our partners when we first approach the "Let's see if we can't come up with a solution" phase of the relationship.
A prime example of this is when your partner says that they feel that you both "need to see other people" so that the two of you can be sure that you really want to be together. This is also what is known as an "open relationship", and there are quite a few couples out there, both married and single, who have agreed that this type of an arrangement is the best thing for all parties concerned. However, if this type of arrangement is something that you know in your heart that you would never be comfortable with then -
DON'T AGREE TO IT!
It is not healthy nor is it necessary for you to engage in any activity that is going to make you feel awkward or uncomfortable. And I am referring to both mental and physical discomfort. It is time for you to stop being afraid of who and what you are!
As long as you are not inflicting physical or mental anguish or pain upon anyone outside of yourself - you do not have to change a damn thing about you, nor do you have to alter whatever it is that you believe to be correct for you - in your life. You don't even have to take my advice or believe anything that you are reading right now or have read thus far.
It is all just a suggestion - and that is precisely where we get ourselves into trouble. We often go through the greater part of our adult lives mistaking suggestions for rules. More often referred to --- "the way that everyone else does it". My dears -the only thing that you are ever required to do in this life is stay Black, White, Green, Blue (or whatever color you happen to be) and die! That's it! That's all! Period.
I am not saying that you shouldn't try new things or explore new ways to go about being in a relationship - but what I am saying is that whatever you do or do not decide to do - it is okay!
But do not allow yourself to be bullied or coerced into anything - because that is when the discomfort and the deception begins.
Why is it that so many of us believe that we are wrong for feeling the things that we feel? It makes no difference what the feeling is - it is yours - yours alone. Therefore, you don't have be opposed to at least listening to a different point of view on a subject or situation.
But I do believe that it is high time that we (women) stop beating ourselves into an emotional pulp over every little thing that may or may not upset the men in our lives. Remember, they are carrying their share of baggage too! And don't get me wrong, there is always room for compromise in any situation personal, professional ...whatever.
The point here is that you begin to recognize healthy compromises from unhealthy ones. No one wants to be in a relationship with a person who feels resentment towards them for "keeping them back" or "not allowing them to grow" or "not allowing them to be themselves".
Being in a relationship or being able to say that you are in a relationship sounds real nice when you are sitting around a table drinking wine or beer and lying to your friends.
But how awful is that silence in the car between you and your partner when you are on the way home?