More Advice From A Gaytriarch
As many of you who read anything by me, you know that I am the self-titled, "Gaytriarch" of my family. In translation, this means that much like a matriarch or patriarch, I am the oldest gay in my family, giving me carte blanche to give advice to my gay cousins or anyone else younger than me. I know it all, I'm the all knowing and advice giving gay and should one of my younger gay relatives try to step in where the Gaytriarch is needed, believe me, they hear about it.
Well, when the site went up there were bound to be other boys in need of a Gaytriach's assistance so here's installment two of my latest write in for advice from "Billy" and my response about a next door neighbor at home whom he asked out. I've placed it in the actual order so you don't have to read from the bottom up. (Yes, there's a hideous gay joke in that last sentence)
Doesn't everyone need a Gaytriarch and what did you do so long without one?
Billy: So things have been ok... i've decided to play my cards differently and put myself on the market. ironically though, over my christmas vacation my neighbor had wanted to "Experiment with me and I didn't refuse i just didn't accept. Now i know that at this day and age i'm pretty sexually active, so i've been thinking how guilty i would still feel. Were just friends my neighbor and I and i think it would be a good chance in trying to put myself on the market, not literally of course.
As it goes with my feelings with the one i've grown fond of, nothing's changed, we had already decided to room together next year but that had already been decided a while ago. getting an apartment and all actually.
Except things have become complicated when we find an apartment he likes ALOT and i'm ok with it, but the only thing is, the apartment is a 4 occupancy apartment and he asked his other two room mates, one likes the idea, the other doesn't like thei deao f rooming with him another year.
Now its going to be difficult to diffuse the situation because i don't want to cause any tension between them for the rest of the year, so i think i'm going to try and either talk him into doing it, or work things out with his other roommate since his roommates were planning to room together next year. there isn't much time for the least to be signed so that we can guarentee the apartment, so i'm kind of worried as to how its going to go down.
Thanks for reading =] i hate sticky situations =p
Somelikeitscott: Okay, so has it taken me forever to write back or what? New job - working round the clock so please forgive...
I'm glad that you're trying to "move on" and put yourself on the market - (just be careful about putting yourself on the market at too cheap a cost to others as well as yourself). And as your new Jewish Gaytriarch I must remind you that being sexually active is fine, just be safe, will ya?
Look at you being the peace maker and mediator in the whole roommate thing. Good for you! Just remember drama is best left for the stage so the more we can avoid it sucking the life out of us in our supposed real lives the better. Always better and easier to do the right thing and it sounds as if that's exactly what you're doing.
Hang in there, be well and write whenever the mood strikes.
Billy: So i'm not quite sure, but i've been asking people and i pretty much get
the same reply and understanding... but heres the senario
In my movement of dating and trying to just deal with school and stuff, i
wanted to ask this boy next door out on a date, (hes out but not trying
to make a statement). So in my attempt what i said was so.
"I don't know how to ask this but, i was wondering if you were busy on
"Valentines day? i don't know... what day is that?"
"Thursday... and it seems like your thursday seems pretty busy."
"Well i was wondering if you'd be doing anything on the weekend?"
"I don't know i'm pretty busy."
"Well i was wondering if... i could take you out on a date?"
"Um... i dont know, let me get back to you, I'll give you an IM."
Now mind you, this is my first time asking someone out on a date in
person, i've grown up since then, but i'm just getting the feeling (even
though hes a busy guy) that hes not interested in me and would rather me
drop the whole thing in general. Now would you have taken the "i'll let
you know" a rejection? Or should i really wait for some sort of reply?
I'm just kind of surprised it didn't just go: "sorry i'm not interested."
or "i'd like that." or something of the sort!
Somelikeitscott: Billy, You're very sweet and you also seem mature beyond your years so I've a feeling if you think about it for about three seconds you'll answer your own question.
No, he's not interested but that doesn't mean he can voice it to you (see mature comment above). You see, not everyone is evolved as you so it's easier for him to push off the inevitable than deal with it. Here's the deal 1) He lives next door, 2) He's not interested but knows he lives next door - that's awful squared in my math.
You also have to realize that leading with the Valentine's Day date idea was probably more than a little intense. It's like asking someone you barely know to go to a wedding or some function where your entire family will be there. Too much, too soon, too often leads to no date.
Rejection doesn't lie around each corner, possibility does but until you get some practice at asking under belt (as opposed to whatever else happens below your belt with whomever you don't have to ask out) you'll never find the guy for you.
Suggestion time - next time, try something a little less threatening - don't call it a date. Ask - "Do you want to go see Cloverfield this weekend?" A movie is always a good thing to ask because there's no pressure for two hours as you watch the movie (except for the pressure you put on yourself as you wonder, "Did his thigh just touch mine on purpose?")coffee or something after creates the date without being "A DATE!" At the end of the evening, go in for a smooch or a follow up, "Hey, do you want to get dinner tomorrow night?"
Billy: So I walk into my Architecture Studio class and turn on my comp and my Instant messenger, SUDDENLY i got a huge wall of text from him and we talked. SO i need some commentary from you as I've actually asked several people and each of them have different responses as opposed to the same type of responses i got before the response. So i'm not asking YOU Mr. Experienced and Seasoned advisor to help me clear up the little details of this thing... cause i think I'm being an impatient teen. Thanks.
(3:46:35 PM) Him: Ok so, I've put a lot of thought into this, and apologize for the length of this message and not talking to you in person, but I can better express myself if I type it out. On Valentines day, I a mreally busy, but that would be no excuse, in reality, for avoiding a late night date. However, I've talked with my friends and done some soul searching, and, honestly, Billy I think you are a great guy, but I am frankly not ready to enter into any kind of relationship. Hell I'm scared shitless of a date. I spent so much time thinking about it because I wanted to make sure that the reason I am saying no is not simply out of fear, but rather out of my own ill-preparedness. To tell you the truth, I just came out to my friends the second half of my senior year, and my parents still have no idea I am gay. Personally, I feel that I cannot be honest with myself nor anyone else in my life on that personal level until I can be that honest with my folks, because they have always been there for me. I'm terribly sorry, I just need to really find myself and find a way I can be absolutely sure of who I am, mind, body, and soul in this respect before I risk hurting myself, or worse, anyone else. I am so flattered that you asked me out on a date, and you have no idea how bad I feel about this, so I hope you understand.
(3:48:16 PM) Me: lol, well actually... i was going to talk to you after i came back and cancel the whole "date" thing...
(3:48:30 PM) Me: and was wondering IF you wanted to just go see a movie just as friends
(3:48:48 PM) Me: but if your still not comfortable with it i tottally understand (3:49:00 PM) Me: and i understand how your feeling... haha believe me
(3:49:26 PM) Him: Yeah. Thanks for understanding. I will probably be busy, considering I have a shitload of tests in the coming weeks
(3:49:43 PM) Me: but jump's coming out in two weeks! it looks amazing!
(3:49:45 PM) Me: =p
(3:49:50 PM) Him: I know!
(3:49:52 PM) Him: I want to see it
(3:50:12 PM) Me: hey, when your not busy with work and studying, let me know i'd like to go see it one of these days
(3:50:32 PM) Me: just as friends mmk?
(3:50:34 PM) Me: =p
(3:51:09 PM) Him: Yeah. If I find myself not busy, or somehow make myself not busy, sure
(3:51:39 PM) Me: cool, well i'm going to leave you to your labs and such because i have a bunch of projects i have to finish myself. =]
Somelikeitscott: Gloating isn't pretty but I'll do it anyway - I was right. He's not ready, the word "date" scared him and well, I was right!!!
Here's the deal - this is the neighbor right? He can't risk exposure at this point on any level as he hasn't even dealt with the whole coming out thing fully himself, he's going to most likely distance himself from any other gays until he feels comfortable with him and is ready to tell his parents, etc.
He actually seems very caring and nice. So you're going to have set this one free I'm afraid. Let him make the next move (if there's one to be made).
You seem to find yourself going after guys who aren't ready to come out or don't even know they're gay. Hmmm...seems as though it's time to really put yourself out there with someone who is ready to date another guy. As long as you continue going after semi-unavailables you're setting yourself up for drama, self-doubt and much worse.
Time to get active - hey, it's an election year, get involved with some group on campus that has gay overtones, like the Young Democrats or something - I'm sure there's an HRC (Human Rights Campaign) group there and in a setting like that you're bound to find someone who is all ready okay with themselves and ready to date.
Stop setting yourself up for failure. You're too nice to continually choose the drama path instead of the real deal path.
Study and eat and get rest (your Jewish mother), Scott
(Read the first email advice for the lovelorn here... http://www.somelikeitscott.com/somelikegay.html )
And Read More Scott at www.somelikeitscott.com