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More Than Anything I Miss My Ass

Updated on May 21, 2009

I don't believe in feeling the age you are because frankly I've always been very immature and I'm just lucky I guess that my looks supported this too. What can I say? I'm freakin' Peter Pan! But recently as my "middle age man spread" began and my metabolism moved on to greener pastures I couldn't help but notice a few changes in my appearance as I plunge headfirst into my mid-forties. (Or as I call myself, a forty-something gay - see the video blogs at ) Most recently, I caught a glimpse of my backside in the mirror and it's truly the first time I've ever felt even the least bit nostalgic for my younger days. More than anything, I miss my ass - Don't Get Me Started!

When I was young I was so thin that I used to pray at night that my waist would get to 28 inches so that I could finally buy pants at stores like Chess King (if you don't remember this store, you're not in your forties - it was a cheap men's clothing store that was so trendy it almost hurt your eyes. Eventually it was my first job too and I ended up being the "Third Key" which was a glorified way of saying you were the third person under the General Manager and the Assistant General Manager to have a key to the store. This enabled you to open the store on Sundays when neither of the "real" managers wanted to work and you also submitted payroll.) At any rate, I was really thin. So thin in fact that years later my guy saw pictures of me in my youth and said, "Wow, Honey you were so thin you looked tall!" So of course I immediately asked if I should lose a bunch of weight to look taller (no one in my immediate family has ever made it over the 5'5" mark) to which my guy said that it was probably an age thing and the angle of the photo. And so I sunk back to my height of 5'4" resigned to the fact that I no longer had a "tall" appearance and something more akin to the appearance of a Jewish vaudeville comedian who played the Catskills long after their heyday!

Okay, so I was thin and short but because I was a dancer what God didn't give me in height, he gave me in great calves and a stupendous ass! (I'm sure that dancing eight hours a day, teaching dance, performing in shows and always walking faster than anyone I know everywhere helped to "build up" these two areas too) I recently looked at a photo my mother has at their house. The photo is of me, my father and my brother. My Dad is in the center and we're on either side of him so my brother and I are both a little in profile and I have to say that both my brother and I have identical asses - at least in that photo. It's an older photo and since that photo was taken my brother has gone on to marry, have children, etc. and we have other things to talk about I haven't quite gotten around to asking him if he feels his ass has shifted. And since he lives in another state I haven't been able to subtly (as if I do ANYTHING subtly) to look at it myself. (But rest assured the next time I see him I will be looking)

But let's face it, I'm a gay man and in this area I need to be a bit selfish. I don't really care if my brother's ass has shifted but boy am I bummed that mine has indeed moved a bit. I tried to tell myself that it's the newer lower rise jeans I bought that are giving this illusion but oddly enough apparently the designer (are you listening Mr. Klein) who cut my jeans must have also cut my sweat pants (not so much) and my naked body. Yet when I feel my ass it doesn't seem so bad (is it wrong to walk about my office feeling my ass? Probably so...well, not bad I guess unless I ask other people to feel it, right?) Enough! It's back to the gym for squats, lunges and anything else I can possibly due to try to restore my ass to its former glory. I don't know if it can be done but I'm going to give it the old Jewish man try! But there's a part of me that is a bit afraid that along with my youth slipping away, so too has my ass. More than anything, I miss my ass - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • Chef Jeff profile image

      Chef Jeff 9 years ago from Universe, Milky Way, Outer Arm, Sol, Earth, Western Hemisphere, North America, Illinois, Chicago.

      I'm not as thin as I used to be and I never was.

      OK, my ass never went away - and I wish I could get it a little smaller, because on airlines I have to book two seats! And they don't double your luggage allowance, either!

      My wife always says I could block out the sun if anything could physically lift me up high enough to the stratosphere.

      So, be content and go on with life! And just remember - you could look like me!