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My Laptop Knows I’m Gay

Updated on February 15, 2013

My Laptop Knows I'm Gay - Don't Get Me Started!

I remember when Tivo first came out and everyone talked about how it learned the type of programming you liked and would automatically record shows for you it had learned you might like. They even did a bit on it on a couple of sitcoms where the male character would lament that his Tivo thought he was gay. Well, when I moved to my new company they gave me a new laptop. The latest and greatest laptops have a broadband connection in them by the use of a card similar to what you have in your cell phone. No more looking for wireless "Wi-Fi" "spots" "zones" or anything. If you have cell reception somewhere you also have a broadband connection. Cool, right? Well, with the card that's in your laptop, it has all the same capability as your phone like texting, etc. And like your cell phone and I guess it has a "phone number" attached to it as well. Suddenly whenever I would go online I would find that I had all of these "text" messages on my computer. Now it takes a lot to shock me but I could not believe that I suddenly was being invited to every gay club in Vegas (some I didn't even know about or had ever heard about). After reading them I couldn't help but wonder if somehow my laptop had become intuitive. My laptop knows I'm gay - Don't Get Me Started!

So there I am, being solicited (as it were) by my laptop. My laptop wanted me to go to the drag show this weekend or the AIDs run or even just for a gay brunch. And suddenly I began to understand why people want to call them "notebook computers" instead of laptops. Laptop seems so dirty when it's sitting there on your lap propositioning you with half priced margaritas if you wear pearls to clutch on "Pearl Clutching Kamikaze Night!" I couldn't help but look around as if everyone knew what my laptop was telling me. Finally one day I could take it no more and so I asked the IT guy at the office, " does...I mean...the whole broadband does it do that exactly? I know you put that card in my computer, was it used?" IT Guy: "No it wasn't used but it's like your cell phone, it uses a phone number. Why, are you getting text messages from the last person who had that phone number?" "Yeah." I said quietly and went back to work.

So there it answer but not really because curiosity may have killed the cat but it never stopped me from wondering what was what. I can't help but wonder about the gay who had the number before me. I hope he wasn't a complete slut but from the look of the text messages, most signs lean to someone who was at the very least a bar hopper. Or maybe it was a lesbian...yeah, right. Not likely from some of the "made to seem like someone and not some business" is soliciting you. Frankly I'm glad to see that at least he was popular. Suddenly, I'm concerned that I'm not as popular as the mystery gay that had the laptop before me. I began to think that phone numbers should at least come with a sort of "fingerprint" of the person who had it before you. You know, it could be like the old, Mystery Date board game (All you gays reading this who are forty-something, don't act as if you don't know what game I'm talking about here - you know you played it!) In the new version you would open text messages to get clues until you finally got to a folder on your computer that had been hidden and when you opened it, there they'd be, your Mystery Previous Owner (okay, the fact that I've been with a black man for so many years may have been the reason I cringed when writing the whole "owner" thing). No doubt Milton Bradley will steal this idea and the next thing you know, they make another six bazillion dollars and I'm still writing this for myself with no cash for my stellar ideas! Just remember you heard it here first.

So, while I'll admit at first it was a little shocking to see these text messages, now most of the time I just erase them without reading them. But there are times when I look at them and feel what I originally felt when I first saw them, my laptop knows I'm gay - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • Angela Harris profile image

      Angela Harris 9 years ago from Around the USA


    • My 2 Cents profile image

      My 2 Cents 9 years ago from California

      Thanks for the laugh!!