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My Mid Life Crisis Is That All There Is

Updated on March 20, 2007

If this is really my mid life crisis - Is that all there is?

For those of us who can't shave our heads and poke at people with umbrellas, die of drug overdoses leaving father-full children behind, what exactly are we supposed to do when our mid-life crisis hits? I'm not sure that it's actually here but when I get up every morning singing the Peggy Lee classic, "Is that all there is?" then I think if I'm not there I'm very close. Mid-Life crisis - Don't Get Me Started!

I'm not saying that I'm suicidal (as I decided after I could no longer be a homosexual teenage suicide statistic that it really wasn't worth it). If I'm going to die by my own hand, I'd at least like to help a cause and be part of some sort of statistic.

Here's the deal, I know Newsweek recently had an entire cover story dedicated to male depression but I've always prided myself on not running with the emotional pack. I have always been my own "dare to be different" seminar since my days of parachute pants and Duran Duran hair (before either was popular). I wouldn't call this depression as much as I would call it a discovery that you aren't the person you always thought you would become. As someone I knew in high school remarked about me when it was getting close to our twenty year reunion and we hadn't heard from one another in all those years. He apparently said to a mutual friend, "What DID ever become of Scott? I always thought he would have Matthew Broderick's career by now." So did I and for the record, I don't.

I guess there comes a time (soon after you discover gray pubic hair) when you have to face the fact that no matter how young you look or feel that you are getting closer to death. In my case it's not a matter of looking old, hell, I still say that I could play Peter Pan in the right lighting and when I tell people that I'm forty-two they are shocked. My classic line is that I sleep in formaldehyde! Smells funny but keeps you looking great. No it's more than running on the treadmill of life not losing a pound while the twenty year old next to you is doing half as much as you and looks twice as good as you. I'm finally starting to understand why people become bitter in their old age.

And may I present a big special, "Fuck You" to Oprah and "The Secret" people. Yet another reason we have to blame ourselves for not being happy. If you don't think positive enough long enough and hard enough and surround yourself with happy people you're doomed. It's more and more like when Tinkerbell eats the poison to save Peter Pan and he has to make the audience clap really loud to show they really believe in fairies to make her live. Well, here I am, taking the poison for the world at large and no one is clapping. What chance do I have for survival?

Contrary to the previous paragraphs, I'm still not as cynical as I could be at this point in the game. (Years ago my first boyfriend who was eleven years my senior though the age he gives to everyone now makes him five years younger than me, used to say that I was "jaded beyond my years") Is it so wrong of me to just want someone to come in and fix everything for me? I mean, if you had your choice would you want to learn how to be a plumber and then fix your pipes or would you rather someone made the call and paid for a professional to come in and fix your plumbing issues? I know a lot of my friends swear by therapy and perhaps that's where all of this is headed but having a really close friend who is a therapist I know for a fact that most of the people sitting in the chair across from the couch you're lying on are nuttier than you are for chrisssakes! I'll just record myself saying things like, "uh huh...hmmm....and how did that make you feel?" and see if that works before forking over money to go to the real thing. Can you even imagine what these blogs would read like if I was in therapy or medicated?

No, for now I guess my therapy is going to just be me screaming in my Mini Cooper with all the windows rolled up and singing along with the Dreamgirls soundtrack with Effie as she asks, "What about how I feel? What about what's best for me? What about how I feel?" One thing I know for sure is that I need to keep away from all television that could make me even slightly emotional. No Extreme Home Makeover, no reunion shows on Maury and no Animal Planet, I can't take the risk that it'll push me over the edge and I'll be out on the street looking to score some Kava Kava to crunch up and snort. (I Detest Cheap Sentiment - Don't Get Me Started!) And finally, I'll look for inspiration the only place I know I'm sure to find it...old Hollywood Scarlett would say (and I'm paraphrasing), "I won't think about this now. I can't. If I do I'll go crazy. I'll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day." Mid-Life crisis - Don't Get Me Started!

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