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Need Great Guest Service Then Get A Gay

Updated on February 10, 2007

And You Call This Customer Service? - Don't Get Me Started!

So I met two pals last night (for drinks at Mix at The Hotel - if you're ever in Vegas you need to go here - fabulous view of the entire Strip and now the tip from your Jewish mother - get there before 10pm and the view is free - there's a cover after 10pm!) At any rate, being gay, naturally we've all been involved at one point or another at the receiving end (get your minds out of the gutter) of bad customer service. Or should I say, and you call this customer service? - Don't Get Me Started!

We've all experience it, have we not? You know, you either get treated like shit by the person at a store, call a service support line for your computer or God forbid you have to call an airline. Now last time I looked the airlines are all either going bust or merging like a bunch of last call gays at the worst bar in town, are they not? You would think that they would be tripping over themselves to give you the attention, respect, kindness and dare I say it, SERVICE you deserve to keep the money flowing so that their paychecks don't bounce. But oh no, why ruin their perfect record of treating you like shit, right? So one of the boys last night was talking about how he had this airline reservation to go "down under" (again, I have to beg that you get your minds out of the gutter) Australia and he needed to change his name from the shortened version, Mike (yes, I'm using a name other than the actual name to protect the innocent...well, mostly innocent) to Michael so that it would be exactly as it is on his passport. Now having never been out of the good old U.S.A. myself I had no idea you needed everything matching, much like your living room but not your bedroom when you buy one of those sheet and comforter sets that they so cutely call, "bed in a bag" which is something I never really got because the bed isn't in the bag, now is it? At any rate, the airline wanted to charge him $150 to change his name from Mike to Michael. And so he did what any self-respecting gay or Jew would do, he asked to speak with the person's supervisor. When the supervisor came on he informed Mike that they were actually doing him a favor because it should be $200 but they were only charging him $150. Now what is up with that one? I get if you're changing flights or something that they now have had all their legal departments draw up the documents so they can legally rape you like my ancestors who endured more than one raping during their many exiles from many countries and those swinging pogroms they were always bringing down on our asses but we're talking a small name change here. This story is to be continued as it has now reached the "letter writing stage" so stay tuned...

Meanwhile, here we are at this swanky bar looking mighty cute, paying way too much for cocktails and do you think anyone could be bothered to attend to our needs? Absolutely not! The place wasn't crowded and yet there were about twenty people all in black, sucking their cheeks in standing behind the bar with their arms crossed so that their biceps would look bigger and there were cocktail servers on who were very thin, all in black and had bad highlight jobs but honestly you couldn't flag one down to save your life. I didn't know if it was part of the ambience and you were expected to use a minimalist chair as a club to beat your server like a caveman would searching for a mate or what. Our "server" (for lack of a better term) seemed almost put off that we wanted to start a tab. I honestly don't know what she was so busy doing because there all the other people sat at the other tables not getting any service either. And from the looks of things, we know she wasn't eating or getting that hair fixed. She had no table side manner. Here's the deal, I don't care if you're a proctologist or a cocktail server, you need to have you some decent bedside manner. (This goes for anyone you take home as well)

So we all have received bad guest service, right? Here's the deal. As I told the boys last night, like most things in life, you need to get you a gay. I don't care how many times you have to wait on hold or call back or anything else. If you want good guest service you need us gays to take care of you. Now there is a caveat to this situation, you don't want a gay after he's been out partying all night or one that has just been dumped. Other than those two situations, we are the ones you want to take care of you. This is probably the only time that sibilant "S" you've tried so hard to disguise is going to do you some good. The minute the gays hear it, you've won them over and they'll do practically anything for you. And for you ladies reading this, just channel your inner fag hag and they'll jump on the bandwagon to give you the world. And do you know why? Because we're more than a little like the Statue of Liberty...give us your tired, your poorly accessorized, your huddled masses yearning to receive great guest service even though they are the wretched refuse who won't let the gays get married. Send these, the customers, tempest-tossed to us. We lift our lamp beside a swell occasional table! Because if you're not talking to a gay, you ain't getting service! So the next time you're on the phone and feeling as though they're jerking you around, keep calling back until you get someone who knows who Kathy Griffin is or why Bette Midler shouldn't have been wearing that ridiculous hat on her "holiday" album even if she did put it on Ebay for charity (let's face it, another injustice, all Jews make Christmas albums but that's a Don't Get Me Started for another day). And you call this customer service? - Don't Get Me Started!

To read more from Scott, visit his website at


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