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New Coven Rules

Updated on April 13, 2008

New Coven Rules

(Pagan Humor/Jokes)

Every Coven should have some rules that people can look at so they know what sort of conduct is appropriate or inappropriate for members; and by knowing and fully understanding them, their behavior can be far more conducive to harmony and fellowship within Coven.

Here are a few that I am thinking about instituting:

1.) No coven member shall consume their weight in beans before arriving for ritual.

This has happened in the past, and the results can be devastating. It is unpleasant when 32 cubic yards of methane are unexpectedly released into the atmosphere within Circle, and other Coven members begin dropping to the floor unconscious, turning blue, gasping for air and struggling to keep from being overcome by the vapor. Add to this, the presence of the open flame of the candles on the altar and the quarter candles. Several years ago, the north wall of our altar room was blown clear out when the methane expelled was detonated by the flame of a single candle and the explosion that followed interrupted our rites. Please be considerate of others, and make every effort not to render them victims of a tragic episode, particularly as the Guardian of Air is called. We evoke the 'Power Of The Winds', but make every effort not to "break wind".

2.) Some people feel a need to wear something on their feet while attending ritual.

It is suggested that slippers or socks might be acceptable. However, showing up for a skyclad ritual wearing nothing but cowboy boots is utterly unacceptable. This is particularly true if there should be actual shit clinging to those shit kickers!!!! This will definitely be frowned upon.

3.) If the rite is to be skyclad, please remember your position in space in relation to the candles.

While folks of another certain religion may appreciate the rare "Burning Bush", we have noted this can lead to negative effects upon a Covener who carelessly fails to exercise due caution, and inadvertently ignites their genitalia! Remember folks - "Never Again the Burning Times"also applies to Wytches in our Circle.

4.) When skyclad rites are conducted, do not pluck a handful of hair from between the cheeks of the High Priest while his back is turned.

I would remind everyone that depilatories can get expensive, and are quite difficult to apply to one's backside. Worse, creates the possibility some embarrassing moments. For example: Your High Priest was recently visiting a distant city and stayed in a motel near the interstate. Can you imagine the awkward moment which ensued when the maid entered the room to change the linen, only to find your High Priest standing on a chair with his pants bunched up in a pile around his ankles, his butt reflected in a mirror, as he tried with questionable results to apply the creame to his derriere? Oh sure, we can laugh about it now... but such misfortunes present your High Priest with great dismay!

5.) Please use deodorant before arriving for ritual.

As we all raise our arms in welcome to The Lord and Lady, it would be nice if They are not dropped from the sky by an assault on Their Senses that leaves Them crashing into the Circle by an unexpected blast that renders Them incapacitated. If this can have that sort of effect upon the very Gods Themselves, how much more likely would it be to immobilize your brothers and sisters in Circle?!!

6.) When doing robed rituals, please lend some consideration to the material of which your robes are made.

Nogahyde is right out, as are robes that faintly resemble the battle regalia of Atilla the Hun! Similarly, while it may be cute, a robe festooned with images of Homer Simpson, Bart, and the rest of the Simpson family... are contrary to the atmosphere we are attempting to establish.

7.) Do not wear combat boots in Circle.

When doing rituals as a group outdoors, you will likely need something on your feet, but we tend to take a dim view of combat boots in Circle. It tends to establish the wrong ambiance.

8.) Curb your guide dog prior to circle.

If you are visually impaired, and must be accompanied into Circle by a guide dog, please make certain the animal has accomplished all of its duties outdoors, rather than simply showing up in the altar room and hoping for the best.

9.) Keep your dog by you!

On a similar note, it is nice if the animal is neutered. While it may be funny to see a Coven member trying to participate in a Spiral dance with your dog affixed to his leg, the Coven member is likely to form a resentment. Familiars are wonderful helpers to the Wytch, so long as they do not become overly familiar!!!!

10.) Don't score the High Priest and High Priestess!

Your High Priest and High Priestess, while appreciating the compliment, are nevertheless apt to take a dim view of their Coveners holding signs which have 9.3, 8.6, 9.5, 10.0 and such relating to performance and style points. Please remember this is Wytchcraft, not the ABC Wide World of Sports!!!

We will keep you apprised of any other new rules which may need to be implemented as the need arises.

Thank You,

Your High Priestess

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    • lilyfly profile image

      Lillian K. Staats 

      6 years ago from Wasilla, Alaska

      Loved this! I wish more people would unbend about their religions...!

      Now, Raven, your bird figures as a central part in Inupiat religion, as the first soul- (god), and in Athabaskan as the tricky hero of the world. Pretty sure I didn't transpose those. Raven's also in Tlinkit mythology, but I don't know what part he plays, but I'll bet you kn ow all that- if not, it sure is cool stuff... and the Raven being my favorite bird, but not my totem,

      anyway, your hub was perfect reading with my morning coffee, may peace walk with you... lily

    • profile image

      Luthien 

      9 years ago

      Bless you for this post, it made me laugh and now I have tea to mop off my screen, you might have warned me.

      No3 put me in mind of the exchange to the film the Wicker Man.

      The Policeman (Edward Woodward) says something to the effect of 'But they're jumping over fire and they're naked'

      To which Christopher Lee replies ' Well you wouldn't want them wearing clothes that would be foolish, they might catch fire'

      Love, peace, happiness

      Luthien

    • CharmedChicka profile image

      CharmedChicka 

      10 years ago from Somewhere in the Southern US

      OMGS!!!! That was hilarious!

    • Raven Emrys profile imageAUTHOR

      Raven Emrys 

      10 years ago from Salisbury

      Thank you! So glad you enjoyed them!

      I think it's wonderful to have a good sense of humor about ones religion, or spiritual path... it helps to "keep it real" if ya know what I mean. Thanks for reading!

    • Pashun profile image

      Pashun 

      10 years ago from Harpyland

      HAHA Those are awesome...Definitely things I never think about when I picture people preforming rites haha

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