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No, You Haven’t Gotten Any Thinner, The Elastic In Your Pants Is Just Worn Out

Updated on December 5, 2008

Every year I pull out the “winter” clothes that have been packed away. Living in Las Vegas, for the most part the change is from short sleeved t-shirts to long sleeved t-shirts but nonetheless there is a change of seasons of a sort that requires a change in clothing. At the end of each “clothing season” I take Goodwill those items that either I feel have made it enough seasons in my life, are too small (never mind the whole pants not fitting, have you ever put on a dress shirt to find that the collar couldn’t close if it’s life depended upon it? I have and that gets the shirt an immediate trip into the “Going To Goodwill” pile) or were bought and never worn. The clothes “worth saving” get put away for the next season. Well, such was a pair of “good old faithful” sweatpants. As I took them out of what had been their Rubbermaid home for the past several months they had that familiar plasticy kind of smell but I didn’t care. I put them on and began about my activities. These pants were hand me downs from my guy who is a good seven inches taller than me so I have to roll them up in the waist to begin with as they’re so long for me but what I soon discovered was that there was no amount of “rolling” that was going to help these pants in their current state. And while I would like to kid myself (and normally do a great job of lying to myself when needed for self-preservation or just to get through another day) my mind told me the truth this time, “No, you haven’t gotten any thinner, the elastic in your pants is just worn out.” – Don’t Get Me Started!

Yes, as I walked out of my bedroom my pants were not as successful. Like those moments I’ve seen on those “Funniest Video” shows about old men whose pants fall down as they dance at their daughter’s wedding or whatever here I was with no pants about my waist or nether regions. But I never thought I would be one of these people. The only saving grace was that it happened in my own home. There I was, almost out of my bedroom with a pair of sweatpants at my ankles. Although I’ve never heard of such a thing, I do believe one of my cats laughed about this time.

I began to think about all of the clothes I’ve hung onto and the show What Not To Wear on TLC (which I watch religiously each week). I’ve heard Stacey London and Clinton Kelly chastise women for keeping clothes from their high school days or that they considered too “comfortable” to throw away. I would never fit into clothes from my high school days so that will never be the problem here. But what I did next almost qualifies me as a candidate for the show. I picked the pants up, folded over the waistband one more time and kept walking. This was two days ago and I’m still walking around wearing them (in the house only) and quite frequently I find myself discovering that “baby don’t got back” well, enough to keep his pants up. I don’t know how these kids who wear their pants below their ass keep them up at all. Maybe it’s an age thing.

In an odd way it feels great to have these pants slipping from my waist because if I try hard enough I can almost convince myself that the reason they’re falling off is due to my imaginary weight loss. I can hear myself saying, “Wow, these pants used to be tight and now look at them, they’re falling right off.” You know, like some annoying informercial.

I don’t think the pants will make it through another season, in fact I don’t think they’ll make it through the next week but for a moment it was good to find a reason to laugh at myself as I stood there with my pants down about my ankles. It was good to know that I’ve worn something until it’s last bit of worth could be gotten from it and moreover than either of those two things for that brief shining moment known as “Scottnotalot” I was so thin my pants fell off even when reality told me, “No, you haven’t gotten any thinner, the elastic in your pants is just worn out.” – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      LOL LOL, too funny!  I am so guilty of deluding myself when it comes to how clothes fit or look on me.  My weight, I'm sad to say, is at its all time high :(

      Next week I'll be going for surgery so I'll have several weeks to recuperate at home.  So, this being my last 'free' weekend, I will be sure to stock up on healthy food so I don't fall into the 'guess I'll make a pb&j sandwich instead.  I'm really looking forward to the time off because although I can't do a lot for several days physically, perhaps I can put together healthy recipes, or something.  Am I kidding myself?  I hope not.

      PS:  I love that you thought your cat was laughing at you.  My two cats often give me looks as if to say, are you kidding?  Also, I'm a fan of What Not to Wear too, seems we like some of the same shows.  I'm currently loving Top Chef. Too bad I can't even pronounce some of the ingredients they use, never mind figuring out where to buy them.

      Thanks for sharing!

    • Lgali profile image

      Lgali 8 years ago

      nice and funny